The John Report: Royal Rumble Preview

Ah yes, it's Royal Rumble time. My second favorite PPV of the year behind WrestleMania and sometimes I like it even more than Mania. This year's Rumble looks like a good show from top to bottom with only one stinker on the card and of course it's that Casket Match. The rest of the card I like. I don't think the actual Rumble match could top last year's match for me because I like Benoit so much, but it's got some good star power and storylines to keep an eye on. Should be interesting, to say the least. The best thing about this preview is that there's only five matches to write about. I don't see any more matches being added. I think all four non-Rumble matches will get at least 15 minutes of in-ring action and any of them could get up to 30 minutes as well. In other words, this is a big match show the way that all PPVs should be, in my opinion. Let's get on with the preview.

I could give a rat's ass about this match. I'm so tired of "Deadman" Undertaker. This feud has been going on for four months now! Four months! It's horrible. One of the worst feuds of the last five years, easy. There's nothing about this feud that I like. So Heidenreich costs Undertaker the title. Big deal. Do we know that Undertaker even wants the belt? He's never on the damn shows anyway. Why should he deserve to be the champion? This storyline has been done many times before. I guess if you weren't watching a decade ago you would be thinking this whole "guy is afraid of the casket" angle was new or something. It's not new. Every damn guy the Undertaker wrestled in these matches was scared of the casket. I watched all those matches and believe me, aside from the one with Michaels, I wanted to go in the casket myself to prevent me from watching that crap. This one won't be any different. It will suck and if you think it won't suck then you're about as intelligent as the people who came up with this storyline. Now, as for a prediction, I'm going to say that just as Undertaker is about to close Heidy in the casket that Gene Snitsky comes out and costs Undertaker the match, throwing him in the casket. This would then set up a Undertaker/Kane vs. Snitsky/Heidy tag match at WrestleMania or as I like to call it, the Worst Tag Match Ever. You want a name for the Snitsky/Heidy team? I think the Craptastics fits them perfect. Of course, if I'm wrong and Undertaker wins this, ending this feud forever then I'd be really happy. Please, stop the pain!
Winner: Heidenreich

If you asked me what is the best feud in WWE right now I'd say it's Michaels vs. Edge. It's got everything behind it that you'd want in a feud. As fans, we have reasons to understand why Edge is pissed at Michaels. Everything he says, we can tell he means it. He feels like Michaels cost him his dream and is taking his frustration out on Michaels. In the process, it makes Edge out to be a whiny little bitch who fans love to hate. Michaels is doing what he does really well all the time - playing the babyface who fans sympathize with. He continues to do the right thing, yet he's always got evildoers pissed at him. That's what a lot of wrestlers don't get. Babyfaces don't have to be complex. Michaels gets it. That's why he's been so successful for so long.

I think this will be the match of the night depending on the length of the match. If they give them over 15 minutes it'll be about four stars or so. I don't doubt it. This is arguably the biggest match of Edge's career and I know that he thinks very highly of Michaels. I think he'll come up huge here. Michaels of course will carry his end in terms of delivering a really good match. When doesn't he have good matches? As for the booking here, I think Edge winning the match through nefarious means (maybe Angle comes out for some help after he bumps into Michaels backstage to set up their Mania match) is the best choice. I also don't think this is the last time they have a big match. This is just a part of their feud. Definitely not the end. A good thing, definitely.
Winner: Edge

Despite any dislike you may have for JBL, if you're an unbiased fan you could look at this feud and say it's been handled well. The writing for this feud has been good. Each man has had the upper hand. Each man has taken their lumps. I especially liked this past week's Smackdown when the heels were all smiles as they worked together. Then they ended up trying to beat the hell out of eachother just so they could avoid losing a match, even when the belt wasn't on the line. It made Big Show look smart, which is rare for babyfaces in WWE these days. I'm still not crazy about this title. It's not as good as it was a year ago at this time, but it's certainly better than what it was during the JBL/Undertaker singles feud. At least the guys challenging this month actually deserve it.

That said, I don't like triple threats. I like singles matches. I think that the reason this is being done is so JBL can say he beat two more top challengers on Smackdown, just like he "beat" three last month. That will be the story here as well. I think what you'll see is plenty of Angle vs. Show nearfalls with JBL playing the chicken most of the match. I think the end will see JBL get a cheap pin on Big Show following a belt shot or a chair or something like that. Maybe even some barb wire, since the rumor is that JBL vs. Show in a barb wire match is the main event of No Way Out. It wouldn't be a bad idea since it would mean JBL will do anything to retain the title. I could see Angle being pinned, but I think in order for there to be a singles match with JBL and Show he needs to pin Show in a cheap manner. No matter what happens, I think JBL wins. Again. Does he ever lose? Doesn't seem like it.
Winner: JBL

I think it's funny how WWE is trying to build this match up like it's some huge spectacle or something. They've done the match twice now. Once was at Unforgiven 2004, a show where nobody ordered because they knew they were bailing on Orton as champion and the result was lots of cheating to get the belt off the young guy. Then they wrestled before the Elimination Chamber and Orton got his win on HHH. Both matches were okay. Not great. Just okay. Now they've once again done the "Orton is on a roll" storyline that, quite frankly, has been done many times over recent months. Look, the fans aren't buying Orton as a face. Give it up. I think Triple H is winning this match and I don't doubt it for a second. He just re-won the belt a few weeks back. It'd be stupid to do another title switch now. Plus, it's obvious there's any face on Raw in Batista that is the more suitable opponent right now. The question is, how does HHH win? Do they go his old fashioned route with a ref bump, low blow and Pedigree combo or something more complex? I vote for old fashioned. Either way, somebody needs to hold up the "Spoiler: HHH wins" sign at this show. It's happening.
Winner: Triple H

This is generally one of my favorite matches in the year for the simple fact that it happens only once in a year. I love it for the interaction between wrestlers who you never think about interacting with one another. After all, who isn't excited for the Kenzo Suzuki vs. Simon Dean faceoff! That will be epic. Okay, so I'm being sarcastic, but it's true that some of the things that happen here are things you'll remember since it's only going to be once in a year. For that, I like the Rumble a lot. I think WWE knows how to book good Rumbles. The strong workers like Guerrero, Mysterio, Benoit and Jericho will probably get in there early and last a while simply because they can make everybody look good around them. Then the bigger, less talented guys come in and see less action. It's a good strategy. Let's hope it happens like that this year. I'd really love a long run in the Rumble for a guy like Paul London, who has so much potential to get over and just needs a bit of a push from management to get over the hump.

Predicting the Rumble is never that hard. I think I've got it right every year since 2000. I didn't pick McMahon in 1999, but that Rumble was bad, so let's not even go there. I think this year you've got two viable candidates to win, then you've got 28 other people. The candidates are Batista and Cena. I could see either guy getting the job done and I think both guys need this win to get over the hump. I think both guys are really over as a faces, or in Batista's case, will be really over as a face in the very near future. I think Batista's the pick simply because the storyline to follow on Raw the next night would be an intriguing one as HHH tries to convince him to go after JBL rather than come after him. With Cena, I still think he's going to headline WM against JBL, so there are still ways to get that done. Maybe another Smackdown Royal Rumble would work, similar to when Eddie Guerrero won one last year before No Way Out, leading up to his match with Lesnar where he won the belt. Batista wins. If it's somebody other than Batista or Cena I'll be shocked.
Winner: Batista

I guess you could say I'm looking forward to this show considering it's one of the two or three WWE PPVs I'll be watching live this year. I'll go to a nearby movie theatre, pay $12 and enjoy it on the big screen. It's a fun atmosphere. Of course I'm looking forward to the Rumble match itself, as well as the Edge/Michaels match that could be a classic, or could be a match that leaves us wanting more. It should be an interesting night to say the least.

Smell ya later,
John C. - oratoryjohn@gmail.com