The John Report: The Raw Deal for Sept. 21/09 (Cena/MVP/Henry vs. Orton/Jerishow)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. Hope you had a great weekend. Me? It was alright. I got destroyed on my NFL picks, but my favorite show on television, Curb Your Enthusiasm, came back after two years. What a show. How often can you find a show where a guy has sex with a mental patient just because he doesn't know what to say to somebody nuts like that? Or what about a guy trying to break up with his girlfriend before she gets diagnosed with cancer only to find out that you're just a little late? Curb rules. Anyway, I watch Raw immediately after I watch the Monday Night Football game. While I am able to fast forward through stuff on the DVR, I choose not to because I want this column to be complete. I'm very tired and not feeling well, though, so it might not be as thorough as my usual.

Live from Little Rock, Arkansas here's the Raw Deal…

We started with Cedric the Entertainer coming out of his limo with the Bella twins along with a clown car type gag featuring a bunch of different people ranging from football players to an old lady to a guy with a goat. I didn't understand the point of it. I didn't laugh either.

Triple H d. Cody Rhodes via DQ (**)
Before the match started, DX talked about how Michaels was in the first HIAC while HHH has won the most. They don't mention they were in one against eachother, of course. Basically the point of this was to mention how they're experienced while Legacy has no idea what kind of punishment you feel in the Cell. The match started out with Cody dominating. You know a babyface is booked too strong when even announcers like Lawler have to point out repeatedly how nobody beats HHH up like that. Gee, I wonder why they can't make new stars. They did the "throw the guy out so we can cut to commercial" spot and came back to do the finish. Rhodes pissed off HBK with a slap, Dibiase dropped HBK face first onto the announce table in a cool stungun type spot and just as HHH was about to hit Rhodes with a Pedigree in the ring it got stopped by Dibiase with a chair to the back of HHH. Then they hit him again with a chair. Michaels eventually came back with the sledgehammer to chase them off. This was a very effective way of getting heel heat on Legacy. The match wasn't clean as expected, but it served a purpose. I'd say it was a successful segment all in all.

And this week's guest host…Cedric The Entertainer
Time for the usual guest host spot. He did some comedy saying Big Show drove a Prius (it's a small car for those that don't know), then did some jokes about second generation people trying to say Show was the illegitimate child of Andre and Bundy. Didn't work because he messed it up. Also saying "Cowboy Bob Thornton" was a mistake. I assume he just screwed up due to being nervous. Then they busted out Kool-Aid Man being Mark Henry. I'm not going to say I invented that comparison, but it's been something I've been saying for months now. My boy Santino came out, called him "Frederick the Entertainment" and then "just Fred" after being corrected. Santino said he wanted to be a comedian, then told a bad joke. A bad joke on Raw? Imagine that. Ced busted out the "Beyonce had the best video of all-time" line in reference to Kanye West at the MTV Awards last week. That was the funniest thing here. Chavo came out. Ced laughed at him for losing to Horny all the time. Eventually we got "Frederick the Entertainment vs. Chavo the Leprechaun Loser" out of all this according to Santino. The whole thing was okay at best. Cedric tried to make it work. Santino and Chavo tried to save it. The problem was this entire thing was longer than every match that followed it.

Backstage, Kofi stole his US title belt back from Miz. That's classy.

The Miz d. Evan Bourne (*3/4)
The crowd loves Bourne because he's such an entertaining athlete. They hate Miz because he's a tool, basically. That meant for a nice reaction to a short midcard match. It was pretty basic with some good, quick offense and the obvious result with Miz scoring the win via the Skull Crushing Finale. Still hate that name for a finish. Oh well. It was fine.

Backstage, the staring man Randy Orton told his Legacy buddies to take the night off. He didn't need them. He could stare on his own. He sure can.

Contract Signing with Cena and Orton
I loved how they admitted that these things always end in brawls, so there's no physicality allowed here. It reminds me of the great Austin/HHH one in early 2001 when they said that there was no contact allowed after the contract was signed. Austin signed his, then HHH beat the hell out of Austin and Hunter signed it after by pointing out that now that it was signed he couldn't be touched. That was back when Hunter was awesome, by the way. Cena was very good here, pointing out all the ridiculous faces that Randy makes all the time and then playing the clip of Orton saying "I Quit" over and over. My gripe was that they mixed too much humor in (Cena, I mean) when they needed to be serious the entire time. Cena told him if Orton doesn't win in the Cell there will be no more title shots. I guess that means against Cena. As if he'll be out of the title picture that long. I did like how each guy showed a lot of confidence, so in that sense they conveyed the seriousness of the match. I guess I just wanted more. This all ended with Orton bringing Jerishow out, but before they could give Cena a beatdown he was saved by MVP and Mark Henry to set up the very obvious six man tag to end the show.

Christian vs. Ryder on ECW this week. Good. Hope they get a lot of time like they got the last time a couple months back.

Beth Phoenix d. Mickie James (1/4*)
Hey, Mickie's back! Her "girls" look to be in place. That's very comforting to see. And she lost. In one minute. Then Alicia gave Mickie an unsafe looking kick to the back of the head after the match. A one minute loss for the champion? That was rushed. And I don't understand the booking unless it's leading to a three way. It's the women's division, though. What can you do? I just enjoy the sights and move on.

Kofi Kingston d. Jack Swagger via countout? (1/2*)
Another match that didn't even get two minutes. That's awful. Miz came out, stole the belt and then Swagger attacked him on the floor. He stole the belt and walked away. Amazing storytelling, huh? No.

"Frederick The Entertainment" d. "Chavo the Leprechaun Loser" (-*)
What a waste of time. Ced had a lucha mask on. He went under the ring, then a big black dude came out and beat the shit out of Chavo. The ref, Santino, acted stunned. I don't know who was under the mask. I'll guess it was Ezekiel Jackson, but I don't know at this point. It doesn't matter. Don't email me if I'm wrong. I could care less about something so minor. Then Horny came out in the same outfit to splash Chavo. Then the real Cedric pinned him. Brutal. This match got more time than the previous two matches combined. I'm sure Vince thought it was hilarious and well worth the time wasted. By the way, Michael Cole calling him "Cedric the SPORTS Entertainer" was one of the cheesiest things he's ever said. And that's saying a lot, believe me. Absolutely awful.

Next week's guest host: Rev. Al Sharpton. I'm not predicting a great guest host. Sorry Al.

They announced Kofi vs. Miz vs. Swagger in a triple threat at the Hell in a Cell PPV. I assume it's not in the cell.

Ced was hitting on Kelly like everybody does (I read she gets around, go Piven) when Jerishow interrupted. They wanted to talk with him. I guess we'd find out what they discussed later.

Best part of the show was next as they let Lilian Garcia say her goodbyes on her last night. She said the last ten years were wonderful and she had legit tears. I've heard nothing but good things about her as a person over the last decade. I'm not going to say she's my favorite ring announcer ever (I think the Fink is the king in that regard), but she did a good job for a long time. And hey, she even had to kiss Mabel/Viscera/Big Daddy V a few times too. What a trooper. You'll be missed, Lil.

Randy Orton, Chris Jericho & Big Show d. John Cena, MVP & Mark Henry (**)
The deal discussed with Ced was that if the heel side won they would face Cena in a gauntlet match next week while if the face side won they would face Orton in a gauntlet. Orton was pissed, but Show was like, "chill dude, we got this." A match like this should have gotten more than ten minutes with the commercial break. Instead, they got about eight and it felt rushed like everything on this show. They worked over Cena, he tagged MVP in, he got worked over a bit and then Mark Henry got his hot tag. Everything broke down at this point with Henry eating (it’s funny because he's fat) a RKO for the finish. I'm stunned that they had Henry get pinned again instead of MVP. It's like, wow, they're actually thinking about this stuff! Shocking.

The show ended with Cena having a shocked look on his face knowing that he had to face the gauntlet next week while the heels celebrated being victorious. The match was just okay. Nothing special like it could have been. I like how they're promoting next week's main event a week beforehand. I think that's important. Will be interesting to see how they book it.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Lilian Garcia - For ten years of good work. Great emotional speech on this show, too. I remember watching the Smackdown after 9/11 when she belted out the anthem. Very memorable.
2. Santino – The guy makes me laugh even when he's got bad material.
3. DX vs. Legacy – Yeah I know it's technically not one person, but the match and post match angle was good.

Rating: 4.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 5.5

It gets positive points for the angle progression in both the Legacy/DX and Cena/Orton feuds. The problem is both of those feuds have very obvious outcomes with the babyface side winning each of them. Everything is in place for the Legacy group to implode with Teddy breaking free off his own within the next couple of months.

I also have to show a lot of respect for Lilian Garcia. That was true emotion and I'm glad that WWE didn't ruin the moment by doing some bad comedy out of it. It was genuine, heartfelt and natural, which is often times what this show needs because of all the silliness on it every week.

The problems lie in the rest of the show. Everything felt rushed regarding the ladies, the US title situation and even Bourne/Miz could have used a bit more time. They gave way too much time for the Cedric/Chavo "match" when it could have been contained in one segment rather than two time eating ones. I miss seeing good matches on TV. It felt like 3/4 of the show was talking with only 1/4 being actual wrestling. I know it wasn't exactly that, but that's what it felt like.

Whoever times these shows needs to get a new watch or something. I know it used to be Gerry Brisco. Since he's been ill they've had a replacement in the role. The problems still exist, though. Everything that came after the Cedric skit felt rushed, which makes you question the priorities of the company. When you care more about the guest host than your own talent it's wrong.

By the way, the rating was going to be a 4. However, Michael Cole not saying "vintage" during the show boosts it up a half point for me. There's no rhyme or reason to my scores. It's more of a gut feeling.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. Big shout out to my man Tyler who brought a "Put this in the Commentfest" sign to the show although we sadly never saw it. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary:

I LOVE THE BELLAS...hope they do a hot tub scene. (Remember when they got traded to ECW? Doesn't matter.)

Bloody hell... the godfather REALLY has let himself go.

Maybe the Undertaker can highjack that limo next. ("Buckle up, terrible skit?")

I've never wanted to turn off Raw before the intro, but damn. (Goats are not popular.)

They can take those two glow sticks, shine them up real nice, turn them sons of bitch sideways and stick em up Legacy's candy asses

HHH with the opening match...either him and Steph got plans tonight or something is gonna happen involving him tonight....

The intro ruined the match for me--it's just started and already I don't care. (So you aren't ready?)

Vintage Benoit!...oh wait.

A "throw to the floor for a commercial break spot" in a HHH match? I don't believe my eyes.

The two best signs I've seen already are the "2!" sign and the "BOO THIS MAN!" sign. Classics.

And tell me Triple H. Who has never ever never ever ever ever never ever let a younger talent go over on him for fear of making him look like the forty year old man he is? Oh wait thats you...

Are you shitting me King? No tag match Hell in a Cells? What about DX vs McMahons and Big Show? The lack of continuity is killing me. (By now I'm so used to it I get mad if they actually remember history.)

Unpredictable...the only thing unpredictable thing about Raw is when MC will say vintage.

Ok that sucked let's talk about all the dirty things we would do to Mickie James. (Thanks for posting, Mickie James.)

Cowboy Bob Thornton...close! (French fried potaters?)

KOOL AID MAN--THEY STOLE IT FROM HERE! =)

Vintage Fred!

Santino and Cedric the entertainer lol, nice kanye reference.

Chavo must be a comedian cuz everything he does is a joke.

Kool Aid Man, Bellas, Santino and now Chavo...which one of you is the Creative Team's mole? (Me?)

I agree with Chavo, this guest host nonsense needs to stop. If I see Al Sharpton in a match next week, I'm done with RAW forever. (Thanks for posting, Al Sharpton.)

Hey miz the belt is upside down... just like your wrestling career.

I just saw a sign in the front row that said "Vintage." (Crazy Michael Cole planting crowd signs again.)

Cole's fake laughing makes me want to punch him.

OMG... an entertaining match with some actual wrestling and a clean finish... is this sorta thing even allowed on Monday Night Raw these days. (Nobody tell Vince. He took a nap.)

You know I hear voices sometimes too...my therapist said not to listen to them.

Randy Thornton looks angry.

The way Randy is talking makes him sound like a kid convincing his parents to let him borrow the car. ("Please mom, I got an A on the English test." Yes, I see it too.)

Cena actually got a chuckle outta me. First time since his debut.

Willy Wonka reference. I approve.

Woo Cena's left handed just like me. Oops now WWE might see that and try to sell Cena to southpaws everywhere! (He should shop at the Leftorium. Simpsons references rule!)

What? Three Minute Warning??? Oh wait Jerishow.

So what if Orton and his squad like to roll in thier underroos...you would too if you could. (No. Please no.)

KOOL AID man did the fastest 100m for a guy over 400 lbs ever....I am glad he put on the brakes bc otherwise the ring would have ended up in Mexico. (The sugar in the Kool Aid helps a lot.)

Jericho's face after hurting his wrist was PRICELESS.

Let's just talk about Mickie James for a moment. That ok? (Sure, because that's how long her match was.)

Oh Mickie you're so fine...please bounce some more.

Planning weddings for the likes of Edge and Vickie would turn you aggressive too. (Would fit nicely on a business card.)

Here he goes - now it looks like Chavo will lose against a Black Leprachaun. Prepare for te hilarity.

It is the BLACK EUGENE. (This was one that legitimately made me laugh out loud. Well done.)

Cedric the SPORTS Entertainer??? I fucking hate Michael Cole! Damn him and his writers!

Cole is freakin hilarious...Cedric the Sports Entertainer...get it...its a play on his name...Cedric the Entertainer wrestling Cedric the Sports Entertainer...man that Cole is clever very very clever. (Thanks for posting, Michael Cole.)

Aww hell no! I'm gonna watching something better...I'm gonna watch...The Rise & Fall of WCW. Availlable @ wweshop.com! (Nash vs. Hogan baby!)

The girl who just yelled "We love you Hornswoggle" needs to be punched in the face repeatedly. (I think it was Stephanie.)

I'm predicting it for next week... Chavo files an affirmative action lawsuit with Al Sharpton as the guest host. It only seems fitting to me.

Thank goodness, they honored Lillian, now please don't interrupt her.

PLEASE I am BEGGING you...do not make a fool of this woman. (Thanks for posting, Viscera. Way to score Lil back in the day.)

At least they gave her a real send off...real genuine tears...I will miss you Lillian...you are a true beauty and class act.

For what its worth, with everything that I dislike about the WWE and complain about, giving Lillian Garcia the chance to say good bye to the fans is one of those moments that keeps me tuning in every week. Vaya Con Dios Lillian. We're all going to miss you. (That Spanish part means, "you have a nice ass." I'm fluent in ass compliments.)

Am I the only one who is pissed because there has not been one "vintage" yet? I feel like the Will Ferrell character from SNL about the Blue Oyster Cult..."I have a disease...and the only cure is more vintage. I gotta have more vintage."

Early pick for worst host......Rev Al Sharpton. It's like knowing when you will die...would you show up?

Al Sharpton. I thought Vince was a republican??? Well at least the viper Orton will have good company.

Yeah, every time I see Cena come out I expect him to start hawking John Deere lawnmowers. (Bring back the Mexicools! Seriously. My lawn needs to be cut.)

Uh oh Jerico wearing red, he might join team kool aid!

Great Raw's over...now what do i do?

Go Youtube WWE from better days...that's what I'm gonna do. =) (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)

Thanks for the participation as always.

------

I appreciate any feedback you guys can give so please send me your thoughts at oratoryjohn@gmail.com about anything related to WWE past or present. If you add me on facebook (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) you'll see the links to my columns as well because I post them there just as soon as I post them on this website. I'm also now on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport too, so keep up to date on my writing by following me there as well.

That's it for this week. See you on Saturday most likely for the Talking Smack column (it might be Sunday again) and also for my weekly NFL picks at Sportsoratory.com, which should be posted early Friday. Also if you're into MMA like me check us out at the Oratory for the excellent MMA coverage we have there on a regular basis. We've got show reviews, monthly rankings and a roundtable discussion. It's good stuff.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

Smell ya later,
John Canton - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
AOLIM: OratorJC (This is the one I'm on the most.)
MSN: oratoryjohn@hotmail.com - Do not email me here! Will not be read!

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.