Standing at the Edge: The Old Bastards Wrestling Manifesto

(With apologies to Warren Ellis)

It was my birthday this last weekend. What is, for most people, a celebration is, for me, a reason to just contemplate my moving one year closer to death by old age. Sometimes, you realise that you don’t have time to waste. Carpe Diem, and all that.

So, I’ve decided that enough is enough. It’s time for a few things to be set straight. A set of items, some reinforcing, some common sense, and some that are plans for the future. A few things need to change in wrestling, and others need to be reinforced. And there are some things that you are just plain wrong about.

I reserve the right to be hypocritical. I reserve the right to be part of the problem. I reserve the right to shake my walking stick at you, and scream for you to get off my lawn.

ITEM ONE

DOWNLOADING AND DVD

Fans:If you download more independent wrestling than you buy, you are not helping the industry. If you buy from tape traders only, because they're cheaper, you are not helping the wrestling industry. You are only helping the tape trading industry. Dig into your pockets. Go buy a DVD every now and then. I accept that downloading and tape trading is a great way to sample products - but eventually, you are avoiding paying. Go buy a DVD every now and then. This goes doubly if you're following independent wrestling.

Promoters: Make sure your DVD's are available. Don't overprice them - if you're an independent, you can't compete with WWE in terms of scale and presentation. Your product price should reflect this. Don't underprice yourself, but by the same token, don't overprice yourself, just because you can.

Oh, and did I mention making sure your product is available? If somebody looks on your website, and they can't find what they're looking for, they're unlikely to check again any time soon. They'll go elsewhere. And whatever you do, don't delete back catalogue just because you've changed direction (TNA, I'm looking in your direction with 'Best of Bloodiest Brawls'. I swear, the decision to delete that from your back catalogue when you decided to go down the family route just made me want to hit my head against the wall until I died. Unspeakably stupid). If it's a good show, and the presentation isn't awful, then there is an audience out there. Make it cheap enough for the risk to be worth it, and you may have a repeat customer. Oh, and put match listings on there, both on the DVD itself on the back, and on the website. Make a good match easy to find. Even if your card is subpar, people will buy a DVD for one good/intriguing looking match on there.

As a side note to the above, tape trading is not the be-all and end-all of evil. A lot of the time, it allows people to be exposed to wrestling they would not otherwise be exposed to - or it allows them to get their hands on wrestling unavailable elsewhere. Oh, and WWE - drop the lawsuits against fansites, and small time tape traders. Sueing your fans isn't a good way to keep them. The majority of your fans pay an awful lot of money supporting you, so turn a blind eye if they occasionally choose to look elsewhere. Piracy is bad, but as long as the people buying it do it occasionally, and buy official products as well, then don't complain.

Final note - if it's anything produced by Rob Feinstein, ignore what I've said. Pirate to your hearts content.

ITEM TWO

WRESTLING

Fans: Okay, selling. Stop nitpicking. Suspend your disbelief. As long as it's not blatantly noticeable (*cough*johncena*cough*), then it isn’t a big deal. Sure, it's nice when it's done properly, but it's not the end of the world when it isn't.

Wrestlers: If your videogame character sells better than you do, you need to give it some thought.

Fans: Technical wrestling is not the holy grail. Stop acting like it is. I'm not going to mark for well done transitions, and most fans aren't even going to notice them. Some will appreciate them, and I'm certainly not saying that the style is unnecessary. What I'm saying is to constantly criticise every match on the technicalities is to sometimes miss the point.

Wrestlers: Shape up. Put some thought into your matches. It's not rocket science.

Fans: I like continuity. I don’t care that much about it. As long as it’s not totally going in the face of the recent past, I don’t care that Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy are now buddies. I get that things change, and that sometimes stories are going to be dropped. We aren’t going to get Goldust turning up to tell us that he remembers that Edge and Christian are brothers, who once spoke on the phone to someone who was driving a hummer, while also asking the guy who held up the briefcase to hold on the other line. I mean, I’d mark out if we did, personally….but we aren’t going to get that.

Promoters: I like continuity. If things don’t go according to plan, think of a fun way to plug the holes. You might be surprised how well the improvisation works.

ITEM THREE

WWE

There is an important fact that not enough people realise. There are other promotions out there. You may prefer others. If you aren't enjoying the programming, stop whining, and try something else for a while. Put a tiny bit of work in, order a DVD, and see how you enjoy it, rather than just buying the latest PPV out of habit. Shop around.

Take a risk. I don’t care if it’s full of funny sounding names, and you can’t understand the commentators. Try out some Japanese stuff. Do you have any idea just how big pro-wrestling is over there? There’s a reason for that. It’s good. Try out some Mexican stuff. Try out some old-school stuff. Try out some independent stuff. There’s a reason people rave about Kenta Kobashi. There’s a reason people rave about Austin Aries. Open your mind, squeegee that third eye, and try something new. You might hate it. But you might not.

There is also another important fact that not enough people realise. WWE has some of the best wrestlers, and wrestling, going. If you have decided to be totally anti-WWE, then you are missing out on some great stuff. There’s room for both.

ITEM FOUR

As a fanbase, we need to change our image. Here's how.

A

Wrestling is fake. Deal with it. If somebody brings it up with you ('You do know it's fake, right?'), please, don't argue the point. 'Predetermined' and 'Fake' are the same thing. Point out that it's entertainment, not a competitive sport. Point out that it's incredibly physically demanding, and takes a huge amount of work. Even point out that it's a unique art form of physical story telling. But don't get confused, and start thinking that because it's tough, and it's difficult, and it can hurt, that it somehow becomes less fake. If you argue this point, you will look stupid to the other person (no matter how stupid you think they are), and as a fanbase, we don't need to look as stupid as the popular consensus has us down as.

B

It is possible to talk intelligently about wrestling. Talk about company wars. Talk about characters, and gimmicks, and storylines, and drama. Talk about the history of the business. Talk about the evolution of the business. Talk about independent wrestling. Talk about ECW, WCW being amalgated into WWE. Talk about why the WWF became WWE. Talk about the old territories. Talk about backstage stories. Talk about kayfabe, and the great stories that exist. Talk about what happened to the household names. Talk about the live experience. Don't just say someone sucks, and someone else is soooooo much better. Look at comic book fans. They're slowly (ever so slowly) begining to get a modicum of respect in the entertainment business. It is better to be seen as geeks than as idiots.

C

Don't try this at home. Backyard wrestling is stupid. Every time we see a news story, a documentary, or a video release featuring Jackass style idiots hurting themselves, I want to projectile vomit my own intestines all over the screen. If you want to wrestle, go join a wrestling school.

D

This one goes to the promoters. Start making better merchandise. Most of us don't want to wear bad would-be death metal t-shirts. Good would-be death metal t-shirts are iffy, but we can deal. Use some imagination. Design something that we wouldn't be embarassed to wear. Remember that brown Chris Benoit t-shirt, with the crippler design? More of that. Remember that black Chris Benoit t-shirt with '4 Real'? Less of that. If we're going to change our image, we need to start with our image.

ITEM FIVE

MERCHANDISE

Promoters: Make your merchandise look good. Have your DVD covers look good. It's easy to give something a professional look. It just requires thought, time, and effort. Alternatively, it involves finding somebody to do it for you. Not everybody you are selling to is a long time fan, and if everybody you are selling to is a long time fan, then you need to expand your customer base.

Make it sound good. Get half-decent commentators in. Make the shows look good. If you’re selling t-shirts, put some thought into it. If you’re making toys, show a bit of imagination. Don’t be afraid to try something new and different. And come up with a logo, or something sellable featuring the company name, if you’re an independent. Brand awareness is a huge asset to have. Simple looks good, when it comes to logos. Keyrings. Mousepads. Cheap, simple stuff, that can look good, nonetheless. Sell them for just above cost. It’s free advertising.

Fans: You like a wrestler? You like a character? Buy their t-shirt. Or their photo. Or their DVD. Or something. That money goes to them. It supports them, and it lets the promoters know that they’re over. Spend the money, even if it’s a birthday present, or a one-off treat. Make sure you do it once. There are enough bad wrestler and characters out there that the good ones should be celebrated.

ITEM SIX

THE CARD

This one’s for the promoters, first and foremost. If you bear with me, I’m just going to take a glass of water, and a deep breath before screaming this one at you.

Every show is somebody’s first time.

Okay, I can’t shout very loud. I’m old, okay? And I’m watching you on my lawn. But my point stands. Every show is somebody’s first live show. You have to hook them in straight off. Put on a good opener. It’s the third most important match of the night.

The second most important match of the night is the match just before the interval. You’re about to have people leaving the room the wrestling is in. You want them to go out and talk about the great match they just saw. Save the shitty match that involves the venue owners nephew for immediately after the interval – because people will be late coming back. They always are. Blame your bar staff.

The most important match of the night? The main event. That’s hugely important, but then – that’s obvious. But cover those three, and you have the basics down. Those three are the important ones, because they’re the ones people will talk about.

Oh, and cover your wrestlers weak spots. Make virtues of any damn thing you can make a virtue of. It’s been said over, and over, but it’s what ECW did. Pushed the good, covered the bad.

Talking of things ECW did. Pay your wrestlers. If you are relying on a sell out in order to pay your wrestlers and crew, then you shouldn’t be promoting the show. If you have wrestlers/trainees on who you aren’t paying, then you’re an asshole who shouldn’t be promoting the show. I don’t care if it’s a token amount. They’re working on your show. Pay them. I don’t care if it’s just five bucks. Pay them. I don’t care if you’re having to stretch to fly over Jushin Liger, or Stone Cold Steve Austin for the main event. Pay the kid that’s in the battle royale. If you don’t, it will come back and bite you on the ass.

ITEM SEVEN

TASTE

FansOccasionally, things are not going to be to your taste. Some of you are going to prefer intricate matwork, and you’re going to roll your eyes if Necro Butcher is on a screen near you. Wrestling is not always booked for you. There are going to be things you don’t want to see, especially in the larger companies (Jeff Jarrett being champion, John Cena’s mic skills being reduced to ‘poopy gayness’), but there isn’t always something you can do about it, other than not tune in the following week – which is, incidentally, the point when reactions to something become apparent. If the ratings fall dramatically, they can be pretty sure they’ve done something wrong.

A corollary to the above: Except for a short amount of time every two years or so, give up on womens wrestling, and cruiserweight wrestling in WWE. They aren’t going to be given significant time. If, however, they are – tune in next week. If you want to see more of something, tune in the following week.

Occasionally, things are just going to be offensive. Muhammad Hassan. Segments where women get beaten up for a cheap pop (Steve Austin stunning Stacy Kiebler a couple of years back comes to mind). Dr Heiney. Katie Vick. Eugene. Eddy Guerrero’s car being blown up to kill somebody during a tribute match.

Promoters: Show a bit of fucking class. It isn’t difficult. Convincing people that I’m not an idiot because I like your product is difficult enough at times. The last thing I need is to turn on my television with other people around, and be confronted by a racist/sexist/stupid segment. The Hassan stuff was condemned as horrible taste by at least two networks (Spike TV and Sky Sports, via OFCOM). The stuff with Eddy Guerrero’s car has left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths. Oh, and gay jokes by John Cena….well, they’re okay. After all, jokes about people being gay are still done in sitcoms like….oh, wait, they’re not. Gay characters? Sure. Funny gay characters? Sure. But not people just suggesting people they don’t like are gay. But hey, it’s okay, as long as you put a disclaimer in of ‘it’s the 21st century. I’m not judging you or anything…’. Of course it is. Morons.

On a smaller, less WWE level – show a bit of sense when it comes to hardcore matches. A belt, chair, chain, or bamboo stick? Fine. Light-tubes, barbed wire, and pizza cutters? You’re a backyard fed pretending. If you weren’t, you’d realise that families bring in money, and you want to attract families. I don’t care if you put on a cruiserweight match every now and then.

ITEM EIGHT

LOCAL WRESTLING

Fans:Go support it. Go to a live show. So it doesn’t have Shawn Michaels on the card. So there won’t be fireworks. So you’ll have to sit somewhere near the sweaty fat guy in the death metal t-shirt who just won’t shut up about how good Jack Evans is. Go. Try it. Trust me, if you haven’t gone to see a local show in the local fleapit, you really are missing out. If it’s halfway decent, you’re in for a fun, cheap, entertaining night out.

Also – be loyal. If your company isn’t actively pissing you off, don’t abandon it, just because there’s a flashier promotion around, just a few miles away. If the show becomes worse, fine – but as long as it’s cheap, and it’s nearby, keep going! If you keep hopping from company to company, yes, you’ll get the best for you personally – but the companies will die off one by one, and your area won’t be seen as a draw. I’m not saying don’t go to the better show – but if you can afford to go see the better show, then spend the twenty bucks it’ll cost you for a ticket and refreshments, go to both.

Promoters: Advertise. Let the local area know that you’re there. And put on a product that can be enjoyed by all, and have – at the least – semi-decent wrestlers, and production values. By semi-decent, I mean trained to a certain standard. By production values, I mean seats, a basic audio system with someone keeping an eye on it, a mic that works, a ring bell (you’d be surprised…), and finally, hanging some curtains over that fire exit you’re using as a door can work wonders.

ITEM NINE

IMAGINATION AND AMBITION

Wargames. Elimination Chamber. Last Man Standing. Cage Matches. Scramble Cage Matches. Hell in a Cell. Iron Man Matches. Pure Honor.

Go check out the latest Smackdown vs Raw videogame. See that huge list of match options? I’m not saying that all your matches should be gimmicked… but imagine if you came up with a unique variation on a gimmick match, or even a new gimmick match (light-tube/glass sheet/flaming table deathmatches don’t count). Don’t make it too complex…but give it scope. Give it a catchy name. You know what? If it doesn’t work, people will appreciate you trying. If it does work? It’s a draw for the next show you do. Don’t overdo it….but it’s worth trying.

Keep in touch with your fanbase. I don’t mean long, personal emails (‘this week, we have mostly been colouring in our posters. Hope to see you on the 29th!’), but news updates are good. Fan forums are good. Start off small…stick to a venue for a while. Put on regular shows. Maybe even build up a bit of a buzz about the venue, and the product. Don’t give in to the temptation to tour too much just yet. Keep building the buzz. You can put on shows all over the country, but if you’re not putting on a show on a regular basis, you’re not keeping the buzz. Other areas can buy DVD’s for now, because you read my earlier points, and you have cheap, attractive looking DVD’s easily available. Build up the regularity of the shows. Start hyping the next show during this show. Start building up your publicity. Have some good merchandise out there, and start building your brand name up. When you’re making actual profit on your DVD’s, and you’re making a nice profit overall – then start expanding. But for now… use your imagination on your cards. Don’t start chasing daydreams just yet – build on solid ground. Then….THEN….start chasing your dreams of expansion. ECW started small. Ring of Honor started small. Philly isn’t the only territory out there worth a damn. Don’t go out to them. Bring them to you, either by getting them to travel, or by getting them to buy your cheap, available, attractive looking DVDs, that they can buy from your well maintained website, along with the great merchandise, which they can wear along with a nicely made t-shirt, while watching a decent show in a decent looking venue with decent commentators, with a family friendly show....then you can start expanding. You're ready for it then.

ITEM TEN

It begins.

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