SmackDown opens as expected - videoclips of last week's show. Khali vs Kane. The Finlay attack on Kane. Batista for the save, then getting caught in Khali's claw. Setting up the SummerSlam matches. With that out of the way, Vince and Coachman appear, having moved from backstage to the ring in the search for Vince's illegitimate child. Mixed reaction for both of them - certainly nothing substantial. Coachman delivers an opening statement, saying they are "closer and closer" to identifying this person - determined last week to be a male. He rattles off the "qualities" McMahon possesses, about to add that no one on the roster possesses them - and he's interrupted by Kane's music. With Kane facing off with McMahon, Vince states "there's no way this monster is my son." Kane takes the microphone and begins to list off his own questionable qualities, which McMahon, despicable character that he is, begins to warm up to. Turns out it's a setup for the SummerSlam match - Kane vs Finlay - as that's all Kane wants, he's not interested in McMahon's money. Vince agrees to the match - and we are interrupted again by the music of the Masterpiece - Chris Masters. Fantastic heel reaction from the crowd for him. Masters gets in the ring and says he has proof that he may be McMahon's son - including a picture of him at 15 years old with McMahon standing beside him. Masters is great at convincing McMahon that he may - in fact - be his son and he proceeds to challenge Kane to a Masterlock Challenge to prove himself to McMahon. Having a hard time locking the hold on a man the size of Kane, Masters regroups and then Kane turns the tables and challenges Masters to a Masterlock Challenge. Masters accepts and then appears hesitant as he sees the unpredictable Kane stalking behind him. When he gets up from the chair to protest, Kane attacks and chokeslams him. Vince decides, on the basis of this attack, that Masters is not his son. One begins to feel bad for the person who finally does have to be subjected to Vince as a father. Out of nowhere, and for no reason other than the creative team couldn't think up a better way to get the first match going, Chuck Palumbo appears - to little crowd reaction - on his bike. With Masters downed in the corner, and having difficulty recovering from the chokeslam, Vince announces "We have a ref, we have two wrestlers, let's have a match. Ring the bell."
Chris Masters vs Chuck Palumbo
In a completely unfair competition, Palumbo attacks the injured Masters and although Masters showed great mettle in attempting to fight back after the chokeslam, Palumbo eventually got the pin, defining himself as lower than a heel as he reveled in his victory over an injured man. The response to all this was, to most of the crowd's credit, less than pleased.
Winner: Chuck Palumbo
These non-wrestling pieces, especially the ongoing "Vince's illegitimate son" angle, are poorly conceived and written, so it takes the talents of the performers to pull them off. Kane made the most of his lines to set up the SummerSlam match and while Masters was given a pretty tough assignment this week, required to sell to Vince, Kane and Palumbo, he pulled off a personal coup in making this segment work.
Chavo Guerrero vs Funaki
Guerrero makes another entrance with the Rey Mysterio mask in hand. Mundane action here until Chavo takes it outside the ring and is promptly disqualified by the ref for attacking Funaki.
Winner: Funaki by DQ
Rey Mysterio promo and some video footage of Hornswoggle winning the cruiserweight belt lead us into the next match.
Jimmy Wang Yang vs Jamie Noble (for the #1 contender status for the Cruiserweight Championship)
The paying crowd is finally given an honest wrestling match, instead of Guerrero's illegal attacks on Funaki and Palumbo's blindsiding of an injured man. It was a short match, but highly entertaining, with great cruiserweight-style acrobatics from both men. Wang Yang misses a moonsault and Noble hits a move I've never seen before - dropping Wang Yang out of a body press, down on his knees.
Winner: Jamie Noble
Post match, there are some antics by Noble as he has a fit over not being able to find Hornswoggle under the ring. Following that we get a recap of Evander Holyfield's appearance at Saturday Night's Main Event - focusing on Holyfield knocking MVP out.
A short segment with Teddy Long trying to glimpse Kristal in her bikini - slated for the bikini contest later in the show - is interrupted by the arrival of MVP, who continues his boasting that he's "better" than everyone else. He adds some more detail this week, saying that he if he fit the weight class, he could be the cruiserweight champion, and that he'll soon be world champion. MVP also says he could win the tag titles, and that he could win them with "the next person who walks through that door." How many time have we been subjected to that schtick? As expected, a controversial figure walks through the door - Matt Hardy. With both of them protesting, Long sets up a title tag match for next week: Deuce & Domino vs MVP & Matt Hardy.
We move on. McMahon and Coachman approach Palumbo backstage, next to his bike. McMahon says "that was an impressive victory out there," referring to Palumbo's win over Masters. How a victory over an injured man, one who is also blindsided, is "impressive" is beyond me, but this is the wacky world of McMahon.
Deuce & Domino vs Eugene & Shannon Moore
Very short match that could have given us much more had we not been scheduled for so many non-wrestling events. In a rapid cutoff moment, Deuce takes Eugene down with a boot for the three count.
Winners: Deuce & Domino
MVP vs Matt Hardy - Basketball Challenge
Usually I am against too many non-wrestling events on these shows, but you have to give MVP some props here - he sold his "role" as bragging basketball talent - fumbling the ball at first - very well. "It's not a regulation parquet wood floor! I don't have my own shoes," he complains. It's actually a great moment and the crowd knows it's good fun. He then makes two impressive baskets. Clearly, he's either really good at basketball or has done his homework for the segment. Matt Hardy comes out and hits MVP in the face with the ball after MVP shouts a few taunts at him. Hardy is either faking his ability at basketball or he's no good at it as he dribbles the ball - very badly - then makes an easy close range, amateur shot. Crowd - of course - goes wild for anything Hardy does. The whole challenge is interrupted as Deuce & Domino run in and attack both men. They must have been listening at Teddy Long's door.
Winner: Unknown
Mark Henry vs Brad Allen
Another Mark Henry squash. This time, it's a local guy from Columbia, South Carolina. As with last week, nothing new. The typical Undertaker follow up.
Winner: Mark Henry
Summer Bikini Contest
Another in a string of diversions that have nothing to do with wrestling. It's Victoria vs Kristal vs Michelle McCool vs Torrie Wilson. The audience picks the winner. Victoria is given a silly routine to perform to ensure that the crowd doesn't appreciate her obvious physical attributes. My money would be on Torrie Wilson on this particular night, but an additional contestant - in the form of 84-year old South Carolina native Mae Young - becomes part of the contest and, you guessed it, wins. Young tries to disrobe following the contest and is subdued by the trio of Torrie, Kristal and McCool. Kind of amusing, in an odd way, although it looked to me like Young wasn't cooperating when they tried to restrain her.
Winner: Mae Young
Promo for Jesse & Festus with another closeup of Festus' anesthetized kisser. They're determined to put this tag team over, but this isn't the way to do it.
Batista vs Finlay
This match opens with a few moments of action before the arrival of Khali, and then they cut to a commercial. When we return, Finlay takes Batista down, working Batista's neck. Finlay gets caught by Batista as he comes off the ropes and is tossed from the ring. Batista starts making short work of the ringside paraphernalia and is distracted by Khali, allowing Finlay to get him with a swinging neckbreaker. Batista comes back and goes for the Batista Bomb, but Khali climbs onto the apron, distracting Batista. Surprised? Oddly, the ref calls for the bell, even though I witnessed no official disqualification. Finlay is treated to a spinebuster and Batista gets one of Khali's huge chops. Batista avoids the dreaded claw and spears Khali. Finlay attacks Batista outside the ring, gets a clothesline as a reward and Batista goes after Khali. Khali is a bloody mess after the encounter as it's broken up by a posse of attendants. With Khalis heading out, his mouth covered in blood, it should have had much more impact. Oddly, it had little excitement.
Winner: I wish I knew - pandemonium at the end
What was it all about this week?
Damned if I know. It should have been a push for SummerSlam but it hit way off the mark. The high points were MVP and his entertaining way with the Basketball Challenge (not even a SummerSlam push as MVP vs Matt Hardy is canceled) and Chris Masters doing his best to make the opening segment work, even though it was to his disadvantage. Lowest point? Vince - as usual - and JBL as the worst - and most annoying - announcer in wrestling history.