Submitted by Rajah on October 03, 2003 at 08:09:07

The flickering montage of WWE logos leads straight into ?I want it all?? as the best two-hour weekly show on UPN kicks off. Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania ? ECW country! ? for Smackdown! Three titles are on the line tonight and a special presentation is planned to honor new WWE Champion Brock Lesnar.

There?s a red carpet in the ring as the intolerably evil company owner Vince McMahon makes his way down the ramp with his mistress and personal assistant Sable. Vince takes the mic to introduce ?the reason why all of you are here tonight,? the aforementioned Mr. Lesnar. To Vince?s displeasure however, it?s Kurt Angle?s triumphant anthem that plays as our Olympic Hero makes his way out.

Vinnie Mac says he expects Kurt to bitch and whine about losing last week?s phenomenal Iron Man match and probably wants a rematch. ?Well that?s not going to happen.? The boss says Kurt?s going to have to start at the bottom of the roster and work his way back up to the top.

Kurt sees things a little differently however and gives Brock two options: 1) He can come on out and fight, or 2) Kurt can go backstage, find him and kick his ass. Cue the violins and out comes the Doctor of Thuganomics, John Cena himself. Cena begins to spit a new dose of rhymes but only gets a single couplet in before Kurt reacts to the dis, kicks Cena?s ass and throws him through the ropes. The white rapper hightails it to the back as Kurt announces he?s off to find The Manster.

Backstage, Kurt searches around in futility until his eyes light up at the sight of a door with a big ?BROCK LESNAR? sign on it. Kurt leaps in but Brock?s nowhere to be found. Kurt is considering his options when Cena jumps him, lands a good suckerpunch and flees.

Coming back from commercial we see that during the break, Cena fled in a red SUV, while Kurt ? hot on his heels, carjacked Vince?s stretch limo to give chase.

Speaking of moving violations, Los Guerreros are driving a jacked up pick-up truck to the ring to defend their WWE Tag Team titles against Matt Hardy V.1 and his fifteen year-old sidekick Shannon Moore in what will be our first wrestling match of the evening. Chavo?s rockin? a do-rag. A recap airs of Los Guerreros winning the belts last week in their awesome match against former champs The World?s Greatest Tag Team. The freshly shaved Michael Cole tells us Shelton ?All About The? Benjamin is hurt and that Eddie will be doing double duty tonight, also defending his U.S. Championship against Charlie Haas.

The bell rings and Eddie and Matt lock-up. Lots of great back forth as the Guerrero?s take turns working over Jeff Hardy?s big brother. Chavo hits a number of sweet dropkicks and there are several quick near-falls. Some scheming by Moore brings Chavo to the floor, where a baseball slide from Hardy knocks him head-first into the announce booth. Moore hops into the ring and he?s on fire until Chavo gets the hot tag to Eddie who leaps into the ring and does that awesome arm drag/leg scissors thing off the top rope he?s been doing lately. The scrap continues, Matt almost lands a Twist of Fate and Shannon misses some sort of flying leap from the top allowing Eddie to Frog Splash the little guy into oblivion for a successful title defense.

Clearly pissed that he lost, Matt Hardy vents his frustration by decking Eddie with his own title belt and laying him out with a Side Effect as we go to commercial.

A WrestleMania spot airs that features Hulk Hogan and I get all excited until I realize it?s just for a video game. I?m telling ya: Hogan vs. Savage ? Money in the bank!

Back from the break and we learn that as Eddie was being tended to in the ring, Kurt Angle?s former prot駩 Charlie Haas ran in, tossed Chavo and trapped Eddie in the Haas of Pain ensuring Latino Heat will be in very rough shape for his second title defense later on in the evening.

Guess what kids? Buckle up your seat belts because here comes The A-Train! The Bear Formerly Known as Prince Albert comes down to the ring and immediately flips out, knocking over the steel steps and tossing chairs like an idiot. Train grabs the mic and begins with ?For weeks I?ve been hearing about how I can?t beat Chris Benoit? which, btw, he can?t. Train freaks and starts calling people out. He threatens Cole and Tazz (who ? spectacularly ? completely no-sells the threat) before attacking beloved time-keeper Mark Yates. Yates is tossed into the ring and given a patented Crippler Crossface by Train. NOT MARK YATES!!!

Fortunately, the Crippler?s music hits and Benoit runs to the ring at a speed Kevin Nash hasn?t moved at in years and immediately locks A-Train into his own Crossface. The Fat Bastard powers out, tosses the Canadian from the squared circle and begins to beat him with a chair. What a nut.

Backstage, a trainer tells Eddie he can?t wrestle again tonight, but Chyna?s former Latin lover says he can. Why, exactly, is Stephanie ? who seems to like Eddie ? making our man do this? Who knows!

A commercial airs for Jake 2.0 which looks like something you might have seen on Fox ten years ago airing after Parker Lewis Can?t Lose. And you thought The Mullets looked bad.

Back from the break and Vince is backstage with Sable. Vince complements a laundry list of Sable?s physical attributes (including her ?stems? and her ?voluptuous breasts?? ooh, that Vince ? he?s a charmer!) They?re interrupted by some Production Guy wearing the kind of headset Madonna and Bobby Brown used to rock on stage back in the day. Vince tells Production Guy to make sure that later on the red carpet is put back into the ring because there will be a ceremony for Brock.

Josh ?The Most Annoying Man in Wrestling? Mathews interviews Charlie Haas, who?s about two-feet taller than Mathews. (Someone send a memo to Vince Russo about how this makes the wrestler look tough.) Haas is peeved that the Guerreros took his tag-team titles and injured Shelton ? so tonight, he?s gonna take something of Eddie?s.

Michael ?Soul Patch? Cole introduces a recap of the super-fun Tajiri/Mysterio feud from the past few weeks. Backstage, Tajiri warms up by putting his foot through a wooden skid.

According to the latest commercial for Y2Stinger (who names these things?) HHH can turn himself invisible, clothesline dorks and attract generic bikini babes. Who knew? There?s also a plug for The Rundown. Apparently The Rock?s in a new movie or something. I don?t know about it because I missed the other five billion commercials. Let?s just hope they don?t put the belt on Sean William Scott.

The two ECW favorites, Rey Mysterio Jr. and Tajiri enter the ring for the Cruiserweight Championship competition and the ref holds up the belt for the masses to gaze upon in awe.

The boys lock up and we move right away into the fast-paced action everyone?s salivating for. Tajiri even does that high-pitched scream only he can do as he brings a knee down on Rey?s head. There?s a head-scissors from Rey Rey and just tons of really smart, skillful mat work ? one reversal after another with lots of two-counts. Following a Tarantula, it looks like Tajiri?s gonna go for the Green Mist of Doom, but a series of high-kicks from Mysterio ruins the Japanese Buzzsaw?s plans and the Green Mist becomes Green Dribble. Rey takes advantage with a springboard off the top rope and both men are laid out as we go to commercial.

Coming back, the action is ?back and forth and forth and back.? Tajiri is working over Mysterio?s mid-section with a half-nelson followed by the body scissors. Mysterio manages to pop out from several near-falls and there?s a flurry of great moves from Tajiri as it really begins to look as though he just might have a shot! With Mysterio hanging upside down, Tajiri hits a running dropkick, then flattens the little luchador with a Michinuku Driver. Still just two!!! Tajiri accidentally kicks ref Brian Hebner in the side of the head. 619! The ref is down! Tajiri ducks the West Coast Pop, nails a high kick and gets the pin but there?s no ref. Another official runs in, but the Champion rolls up Tajiri. It looks to be all over but the crying until Tajiri sprays THE RED MIST OF DEATH! and follows it up with his stunning kick to the back of the head for a shocking 1-2-3!

We have a new Cruiserweight Champion ? and his name is Tajiri. Hey, maybe he?ll want to fight Ultimo!

Next week, we?re told, we?ll get an update on the condition of Zach Gowan. At ringside are the Japanese Smackdown broadcast team. They?re a very cute and enthusiastic bunch.

Michael Cole brags about Smackdown?s ratings (?!) while the A-Train?s little brother waves from behind the announce table. I swear to God, watch the tape ? he?s there!

Time for more wrestling as my girl Shaniqua leads out her two charges The Basham Brothers, who I still, for the life of me, cannot tell apart. In the ring, Shaniqua whips the twins with her leather whip. Can?t wait to see the action figures.

Jamie Noble comes out with his girl Nidia. He says he?s still got a lot of money left over from that big inheritance (What? Oh, yeah, right, forgot.) and he?s gone and bought himself a partner. Apparently he doesn?t have that much money though, cuz he got big, blonde Bradshaw. What?s wrong with Cousin Nunzio?

The fight starts and the only truly notable thing that happens is that Shaniqua flattens Nidia with a big clothesline. In the ring, Bradshaw hits one of the Bashams with, yep, a clothesline and he?s about to get the pin until Shaniqua runs in and takes out the Blonde Banker with a low-blow. Maybe this can lead to a Shaniqua vs. Bradshaw feud building off their free-throw competition on Confidential last year. The Bashams are disqualified. Or something.

Next is a recap of last week?s incredible 60-minute Iron Man WWE Championship match between Lesnar and Angle. A friend taped it for me since I was away and I?ve since watched it 3 times in the course of showing it to others. It was a great, great match that?s already become one of my all-time favorites. Angle is a genius and that Lesnar could pull of such a match so early in his career is incredible. Of course, the ratings didn?t shoot up, which probably means we can expect more testicles wired to car-batteries in the future. Wonderful.

Big Show comes out wearing his gear and heads to the ring. Back from a break and Show is sitting with Cole and Tazz. Charlie Haas comes out, followed by the already beat-up Eddie Guerrero. For no reason I can figure, Big Show gets up and throws Eddie into a steel post. Eddie gets tossed back into the ring and the bell rings to start the fight. Now come on! This is outrageous and Stephanie should not allow this fight to continue. And where is the Smackdown GM anyway?

To the surprise of no one, Haas dominates early on. Eddie?s a trooper and ? screaming in Spanish ? manages to get in some great offense. He?s hurting though, no doubt about it. Haas hits a sweet double leg takedown for a two-count and continues working over Eddie?s mid-section. Eddie gets a head scissors counter, but can?t seem to build any momentum. Big Show seems to have wandered off.

Chavo emerges and manages to distract the ref while Haas gets a pin. Another ref shows up to hold off Chavo and Eddie manages to make it to the ropes. The evil former amateur champion locks the Latino Heat into the Haas of Pain, but this time Eddie?s able to roll out of it. Haas grabs the U.S. title, gets into a tug of war with the ref and loses. The ref tosses the belt into the corner where Eddie is able to surreptitiously hang it over the top turnbuckle. When Haas charges, Guerrero simply moves out of the way allowing Haas to brain himself. Eddie climbs the ropes, hits the Frog Splash and this one?s in the can. Eddie?s carrying his left arm funny ? let?s hope he?s okay.

Back from our final commercial break and Production Guy has got the red carpet back out in the ring for Vinne Mac and Sable. The bastard that screwed Kurt introduces our new WWE Champion, ?the new face of the WWE? Brock Lesnar. The crowd chants ?You tapped out!? as Brock takes the mic.

Brock thanks Vince for reminding him of who he really is ? ?I?m the real Brock Lesnar, so deal with it.? He calls Kurt both a parasite and ?Kurtis.? Kurtis? ?The real Brock Lesnar is unstoppable.?

The Undertaker?s music hits and out rides Big Evil. The Dead Man gets into the ring and reminds Vince that he didn?t interfere in last week?s match because he has too much respect for the title. What he doesn?t have, is respect for Brock Lesnar. Seems Taker remembers Brock hitting him with a chair a few weeks ago and Taker?s not the kind of guy to let that sort of thing slide. With that, he declares himself to be Lesnar?s next opponent. This appears to flabbergast Michael Cole and Tazz for reasons I can?t begin to fathom.

Vince demands to know under who?s authority Taker can claim such a thing and out comes the beautiful and busty Stephanie McMahon. Vince looks so shocked you?d think he?d forgotten he had a daughter ? never mind one with whom he?s been locked in a vicious power-struggle for months now. Steph states the obvious by admitting it was her that booked the match. The WWE President tells his daughter she can either change her mind, or face him ? her OWN FATHER ? at No Mercy in the first ever Father/Daughter match. Hell, why don?t we just go all the way and make it a bra and panties affair?

Steph says she?s not backing down, she?s not gonna quit and she will fight daddy dearest. Vince says she is going to quit, as the match will carry an ?I Quit? stipulation. This seems to be Brock?s cue as he takes a cheapshot at Taker and starts a stompin?. The Dead Man gets back to his feet however and takes care of the Champ with one big-ass chokeslam. He then grabs the belt and holds it over his head to end the show.

Steph versus Vince. I just got my fingers crossed for a run-in from Linda. Somewhere backstage Ultimo Dragon is firing his agent.

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