Submitted by Rajah on October 11, 2003 at 10:37:56

Cole announces a huge tag team match with Taker & Angle facing Cena & Lesnar.

Viva La Raza! Eddie Guerrero makes his way down to the ring in his low-rider to defend the US Title.

(1) Eddie Guerrero w/ Chavo defeated Matt Hardy to retain the US Title via pinfall.
As cool as Matt Hardy is he looks like a member of the 3 Live Kru in that T-shirt. Cole says Eddie has revenge on his mind and so do I against the A-Train for not being on Velocity last week. Eddie starts out with the advantage, but is selling a rib injury. Eddie hits a nice belly to back suplex on Hardy and follows that by what looks like a knee to the chest, but is called an elbow by Cole. Moore interferes, which allows Hardy to take the advantage. Hardy puts the boots to Eddies injured ribs. Eddie fights back, but Hardy nails him with a nice sit down powerbomb for a two count. Eddie goes for a punch, which is countered into a side effect for a two count. Guerrero fights out of a submission and nails Hardy with a neck-breaker. Eddie still can't take the advantage, as Hardy knocks him down again. This match needs to get out of first gear. Eddie avoids an elbow drop and connects with three vertical suplexes. Eddie goes to the top rope, but is met by Hardy. Hardy hits a suplex from the second rope, which is called a superplex by Cole. I'll stop pointing errors out now. Hardy goes to the second rope, but Guerrero meets him there with a huracanrana for a two count. Guerrero reverses a side effect into an arm drag, but Hardy knocks him down. Moore tries to come in with the belt, but Guerrero stops him. Eddie throws the belt at Hardy and pretends to be hurt when the ref turns around. The ref takes away the belt, but is distracted by Moore. This allows Chavo to nail Hardy with the belt, which is followed up by a frogsplash from Eddie Guerrero for the pin.

(Commercial break)

Highlights are aired from MSG, where tickets for Wrestlemania went on sale last weekend.

A little boy interviews John Cena. Cena tells him he has street cred. Cena says Angle is jealous of him. Cena says that tonight, Angle will stand in his shadow.

Eddie Guerrero and Chavo run into Show backstage. They ask him why he attacked Guerrero last week. Show says he doesn't like Eddie. Show says he likes Mexican food, I'm shocked. Show throws them both to the floor like a couple of jobbers from Velocity. This segment sucked.

(Commercial break)

Chavo tells Eddie he was just humiliated. Eddie pushes Chavo into the wall and tells him to calm down. Eddie says he is going to take care of this Guerrero style.

(2) The Bland Bros. w/ Maniqua defeated The APA via pinfall.
The APA begin the match beating down the Bland Bros. Eventually, Bradshaw tags in and pounds on Doug Basham. Bradshaw goes for the Scott Hall slam and connects, but Doug throws him out of the ring where Maniqua attacks him. Danny tags in and puts the boot to Bradshaw. Doug chokes him, while Farooq preoccupies the ref. Bradshaw powers out and suplexes Danny Basham. Farooq comes in and cleans house APA style. The ref is knocked down and a certain LOUNGE columnist is pissed. Maniqua gives Bradshaw a vicious boot to the face on the outside. Meanwhile in the ring, The Bland Bros. give Farooq the ball and gag for the victory.

After the match, Bradshaw gives Maniqua a wicked looking clothesline from hell.

(Commercial break)

Damn, The Hair Train is on commentary. A-Train says in an 80's metal voice that he will prove he can beat Benoit.

(3) Chris Benoit defeated Charlie Haas via DQ when Train interfered.
The crowd or the audio sweetener begins a shave your back chant as Benoit has the early advantage. Train tells Cole he is no ordinary man and truer words have never been spoken. Benoit still has the headlock cinched in on Haas. Haas applies a headlock, but Benoit reverses the move into a surfboard. Train says, " If Benoit gets behind me, he can ride." Discuss. Haas ducks an attempt at the crossface and tosses Benoit out of the ring. Benoit had his attention turned towards Train and Haas nailed him from behind. Haas nails Benoit with a nice clothesline for a two count. The Hair Train is ruining this match with his insipid commentary. Benoit comes off the ropes, but is met with a dropkick for a two count. Haas drapes Benoit's feet over the top rope and nails him with a series of running knees. Cole informs the mentally handicapped that Haas is working on Benoit's ribs. Haas applies an abdominal stretch as Benoit screams. Benoit fights out and hits a German Suplex, but Haas is able to counter the attempt for a second. Haas applies the Haas of Pain, but Benoit reaches the ropes. Benoit gives Haas a snake eyes and takes control. Benoit applies the sharpshooter, but Haas makes the ropes.

Benoit applied the crossface and Train came into the ring and caused a DQ.

Train continued to attack Benoit and then applied the crossface and talked some ish (Credit JG)

(Commercial break)

VKM makes his way down to the ring with Sable. He says everyone needs a second chance. Obviously UPN deleted the asshole chant because Vince turns to the crowd and there is just some basic crowd noise playing in the background. Sable looks great tonight and I don't know how old she is, but she is one hot MILF. Vince says he hopes that Stephanie does the right thing and respectfully resigns as GM of Smackdown. Vince insults the crowd and says they are all quitters. I can't wait to hear Steph's response. A HUGE pop arises out of my television speakers when Steph comes out. These people are sick (Vince and Steph). Does Steph really need breasts that large?

Steph says her answer is no. She will not change the WWE championship match at No Mercy, nor will she quit. Vince says she will quit, if not tonight, then at No Mercy. Vince adds a stipulation and says that Steph must quit her job as GM of Smackdown if she loses the match at No Mercy. Vince says Steph doesn't realize what she's doing to him. She's making him fight his own daughter. Blah, blah, blah. This is already going on for too long. I still can't get over how big Steph's boobs are. I'm shocked she can even make it to the ring with those things. She might be able to use them to suffocate Vince and make him quit at No Mercy. Vince really gets himself worked up and Sable tells him that he shouldn't think of Steph as his daughter, but as a disrespectful little bitch.

Steph tells her to go to the back and do what she does best, lie on her back. Sable slaps Steph and we have a catfight! Vince pulls Steph off of Sable and gives her a slam. Steph cries and so do I. Mercifully, Taker comes to the ring and puts a stop to all of this. He punches Vince and Lesnar tries to attack him from behind, but Taker gives him a boot to the face.

(Commercial break)

Show is backstage and a Mexican guy has a delivery of burritos for Eddie Guerrero. Show takes the Burritos and begins eating them one by one. Show tells "Jose" to make sure that Eddie Guerrero gets a burrito that he spit in. Rush Limbaugh gets in trouble for his comments on Donovan McNabb, but the WWE gets by with racist crap like this. The man delivering the burritos was your stereotypical Mexican.

(4)Tajiri defeated Billy Kidman to retain the Cruiserweight Title.
Kidman takes Tajiri to the outside with a headscissors and then nails him for a springboard splash. Kidman tried to vault over the ropes onto Tajiri, who was in the ring, but was met with a wicked kick. Tajiri goes to work on Kidman arm with an arm bar. Instead of discussing the match, Cole and Tazz talk about good ol' Vince. Tajiri nails Kidman with a kick to the shoulder for a two count. Tajiri drapes Kidman's arm over the top rope and kicks it. Tajiri takes Kidman back to the ground and applies another arm bar. Kidman tries to power out, but Tajiri stops him. Tajiri is met with an elbow in the corner and Kidman takes the advantage. Kidman nails Tajiri with an enzuigiri after ducking a handspring elbow. Tajiri gets up and boots Kidman in the ribs. Kidman gets up and connects with a bulldog. Tajiri connects with a kick and goes for a bulldog, but Kidman counters it into a sit down powerbomb. Kidman charges Tajiri in the corner, but Tajiri applied the Tarantula. Tajiri went for his execution kick, but Kidman ducked and nailed him with a dropkick. Tajiri kicked Kidman in the balls and was able to deliver his execution kick for the pin.

(Commercial break)

Scenes air from The Rundown. It looks like the same stuff they aired last week. In my opinion, this movie was good, but not as great as I've been hearing. I'd give it three out of five stars.

Show makes his way down to the ring. Show looks constipated.

(5) Orlando Jones defeated The Big Show via countout
I still don't know who the hell Orlando Jones is. What is his motivation? Why is he important? Oh, that's right. There is not time for character development on Smackdown. Show beats the crap out of Jones when he's not holding his stomach. Show just bails out of the ring and makes his way to the back.

(Commercial break)

Zach Gowen is on the cover of WWE magazine and he is holding his own leg. Cole interviews Zach live via satellite. Zach says he's not 100%. Zach says he can't wait to get back in the ring. Zach says he appreciates everyone's concern, but he's tired of the sympathy. Zach says he knows wrestling is for him. Zach says that next week he will prove it in the ring.

Show is taking a dump! Eddie comes in holding his nose and tells Show how bad his crap smells. Eddie tells Show he shouldn't have messed with him. Eddie tells Show his cousin Jose put some special sauce in Show's burrito. Eddie has taken away all the toilet paper.

Eddie tells Show he's got something for him to wipe his ass with and kicks the door in. Show holds the door and site back on the toilet as fart sounds go off in the background.

Cena is going to bust out some Thuganomics. Cena says he's the one who makes it okay to root for the villain. Cena is great on the Mic.

(Commercial Break)

The rest of the wrestlers involved in the match make their extra-long entrances to the ring. Taker is wearing another beautiful creation from the Shopzone. As Derek has said before about other WWE shirts, you wear this thing and its guaranteed you will never get laid.

(6) John Cena & Brock Lesnar defeated Kurt Angle and The Undertaker
The crowd chants, "You tapped out" at Lesnar. Cena and Angle start the match. Angle takes Cena down in a headlock. Cena powers out, but Kurt is able to nail him with an arm drag and apply an arm bar. Angle charges Cena in the corner, but is met with an elbow. Cena charges Angle, but is met with a clothesline. Taker comes in and goes to work on Cena's arm. Taker goes for the old school and nails it. Taker tags Angle back in, but Cena gives him a thumb to the eye and stomps Angle in the corner. Angle fights back, but Lesnar pulls the top rope down, which sends Angle to the outside. Lesnar drives Angle into the side of the ring as we go to the commercial break.

Lesnar is in control when we come back from the break. Lesnar drops an elbow on Angle and throws him into the corner. Lesnar drives his shoulder into Angle's ribs and hip tosses him to the center of the ring. Cena comes in and goes to work on Angle. Cena uses his "Pound and Ground" attack according to Cole. Sounds like a name that didn't make the cut from President Bush as he eventually decided on "Shock and Awe." Lesnar comes in and give Angle a press slam. Lesnar pounds on Angle's back and tries to give him another press slam, but Angle reverses it into a German suplex. Angle makes his way to the corner, but the ref didn't see the tag. Cena comes in and goes to work on Angle in the corner. Cena connects with a belly to back suplex. Angle applies the ankle lock, but Lesnar kicks him off. Lesnar comes in without a tag and gives Angle a move that looks like Low-Ki's finisher. Lesnar knocks Taker off the apron and comes back to Angle who meets him with an Angle Slam. Angle tags Taker in and he cleans house. Taker knocks Lesnar out of the ring and signals for the chokeslam on Cena and nails it. Lesnar comes in and breaks up the pin at the last second. Taker charges Lesnar, but is nailed with a nice looking spinebuster. Taker tags in Angle, who gives Cena a belly to belly suplex. Lesnar charges at Angle and gets one as well. Angle gives Cena three German suplexes and applies the anklelock, but Lesnar breaks it up. Cena nails Angle with his chain to for the pin.

After the match, Taker and Lesnar did battle on the outside. Lesnar whips Taker into the steps and begins dismantling the announce table. Lesnar tries to give him the F-5, but Taker counters it into the chokeslam.

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