Submitted by Rajah on October 17, 2003 at 10:23:28

WWE Smackdown!
October 9, 2003
Report by: Sean K. Robb, 1wrestling.com

The Rock’s show Smackdown! (man, those were the days, eh?) opened this week with a recap of Vince McMahon’s furious feud with his very own daughter Stephanie. Well, not so much the whole feud, just last week – when Stephanie once again refused to quit and Vince swore to “strike down the face of defiance.” For the life of me, I’m still not sure why he’s mad at her. A montage of home photos of young Stephanie growing up in her loving father’s arms is capped by footage of last week’s assault when Vince threw Steph to the mat with a devastating Daughter-Slam.

“Yo… This is my life, my time” And also time for the opening credits. Edge is still in there, which is pretty cool. Our hosts Michael Cole and Tazz hype a Battle Rap competition tonight between Kurt Angle and John Cena but don’t announce any matches before “Slam Jam” the cheesiest entrance song in WWE hits and out walks the matriarch of the company, the formerly comatose Linda McMahon.

Linda comes down to the ring, takes the mic and doesn’t deliver a promo so much as ramble on about how bizzaro her family has been behaving lately – what with Shane committing limo-cide on Raw and her very own husband beating up their sweet little girl on Smackdown. Linda seems truly stunned by her family’s behavior, but that might just be the Vicodin (for the humor impaired, that was a joke).

General Manager Stephanie “The Billion Dollar Princess” comes out next in a top that’s not nearly as revealing as what she wore last week. Steph says she won’t back down. Fair enough. Out comes Vince. Linda, he says, is meddling. He gave Stephanie an out – she didn’t take it and now there’s no way he’ll cancel the match. Linda points to the unfairness of Steph having to quit if she loses but Vince having nothing on the line. He offers to put up his title of “Chairman of the Board.” I thought he was President?

Anyway, long story short (TOO LATE!) out comes Sable. At first Vince looks shocked and nervous, but within seconds he’s complementing her boobs. Vince introduces Sable to Linda and Sable kicks the CEO of the company in the groin. Steph attacks and Vince pulls her off. Stephanie attacks again and Vince pastes her with a clothesline-from-hell. The audience chants: “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” Ok, maybe not.

We come back from commercial to a recap of the melee – you know, just in case you’re tuning in at 8:20. “Who’s that jumpin’ out the sky?” It’s Rey Rey time as everyone’s favorite Mucha Lucha comes down to join Michael “Soulpatch” Cole and Tazz at the announce desk. Looks like we’re gonna get a wrestling match as Yoshihiro Tajiri is set to defend his Cruiserweight Championship Title against – can this be true??? – ULTIMO DRAGON! Check out the pyro kids, this guy’s a star.

It’s a non-title match, but that’s all right, it’s a good way for Ultimo to re-establish himself into the hierarchy. Bell rings and the two Japanese warriors face off. They trade high kicks, then arm bars. Tajiri goes for his springing-handstand-back elbow, but Ultimo sees it coming and prevents it with a kick to the kidneys. The action comes fast and furious as Ultimo delivers an Asai Moonsault out of the ring, flattening the champion on the apron. The match picks up in the ring and after labeling Ultimo with a big knee drop Tajiri takes a moment to threaten Rey Rey. Ultimo gets in some crazy spinning backbreaker tilt-a-whirl move Rey knows the Mexican name for. Following a Michinoku Driver, Tajiri tries for the Tarantula, but Ultimo manages to block it. Nice on Ultimo with all the crazy reversals. Finish comes unfortunately early as Tajiri takes the Dragon down with a crazy stiff high kick, then pops him off with that stunning kick to the back of the head bit for the 1-2-3. Tajiri seems to be threatening further damage to Ultimo when Mysterio runs into the ring, lays out the champ and hits him with a quick 619.

Back from a break and a very orange Josh Matthews confronts Steph backstage. Steph says if Sable is going to be in Vince’s corner at No Mercy, then her mom, Linda McMahon (I’m getting the hang of this) will be in her corner. Holy shades of Wrestlemania 16 Batman! We go to commercial and either I’m losing my mind, I’ve had too much to drink or there truly is a movie coming out about a talking dog. But does he play any sports?

“Deadman walking…” Well, if we’re gonna be specific, it’s a Deadman riding as The Undertaker cruises his hog down to ringside. We’re treated to a recap of his shaky relations with the Champion Brock Lesnar. Taker gets on the mic and says Vince is nervous because he knows Lesnar is going to lose at No Mercy. Apparently Vince has decided to send the FBI after Taker to “soften him up” before the PPV. Taker wraps a big steel chain around the top turnbuckle and referee Nick Patrick (making his Smackdown debut) seems pretty cool with that. You know, for a ref.

So it’s Chucky Palumbo’s turn to face Taker, while “The Bull” Stamboli and Little Guido hang in his corner. Taker basically dominates the big Italian, even getting in The Old School (why doesn’t anyone just shove him off the rope? I mean, he’s just balancing up there!) The tables are turned once the Full Blooded Italians start playing “the numbers game,” but Taker is soon able to take out both corner guys and flatten Chucky P. for the pin. In the line of the night, my buddy D says “Dammit, I thought he was going to beat The Undertaker.” Oh, how we laugh.

Anyhow, WWE Champion Brock Lesnar leaps out of the crowd and into the ring with more fire than Kevin Nash has shown since 1993 and lays out the Deadman. The FBI continues to work him over as The Manster clears the announce table. They must have a stockpile of those in the back. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on you POV) Taker is able to grab his chain, bonk all three FBIers and ward off a Lesnar chair attack. Johnny Stamboli is bleeding as we go to commercial.

Back and once again we get a recap of what just happened. I swear, people with A.D.D. must LOVE this show

Backstage and Vince and Sable are chillin’. A handsome young man named Paul London enters his office and introduces himself as a local wrestler who’s fought all over the world and would love a chance to try out for the WWE. Where the hell is security? Anyhow, Vince refuses to shake the dude’s hand but tells him that sure, he can face WWE champion Brock Lesnar tonight. Wow. I’m so going to try that the next time Smackdown comes to Toronto. I mean, sure I’ll get my ass handed to me, but hey, I can tell all my friends I fought the champion!

The Big Show is walking through the catering area backstage when he catches some nameless dude eating a burrito. The sight makes Show go apesh*t and he kills the guy.

Back from a break and we see that earlier in the day everyone’s favorite one-legged wrestler Zach Gowan returned to Smackdown and was greeted by Brian Hebner. “Well it’s the Big Show!” It’s announced that Eddie Guerrero will be defending his U.S. Championship against Show at No Mercy. That has 5-star classic written all over it.

In a rematch, Big Show is taking on Orlando Jordan, who, frankly, is just happy to be here. Bell rings and Show proceeds to slap Orlando around. He tosses him across the ring, steps on his throat and goes for a slam. Orlando manages a little bit of offence, but the effort proves for naught as Show hits him with a big boot and a chokeslam for the three count. Pay those dues Orlando, pay those dues.

Backstage and Josh “The Most Annoying Man in Wrestling” Matthews (not an easy title to hold BTW) is interviewing Eddie Guerrero. Latino Heat admits to being nervous about the prospect of facing The Giant, but he keeps making burrito jokes anyway. Suddenly, Big Show sneaks up Guerrero, and yelling something about “Montazuma’s Revenge” kicks the crap out of Eddie. “Jesus” Eddie says as we go to commercial. How the Big Show can sneak up on anyone is beyond me. I mean – you must really not be paying attention to what’s around you.

Back and Tazz – looking sharper than ever – is in the ring to announce the Battle Rap. If this pops a bigger rating than the Iron Man match I’m giving up. The Doctor of Thuganomics comes out first and calls out our Olympic Hero. Kurt comes out in his new shirt that reads “Freedom of Choice.” Is Kurt taking a stand on Roe v. Wade?

Cena goes first. “You wanna battle, I refuse to get ripped/You little bitch/You couldn’t rap a Christmas gift.” I swear, it was just like in “8 Mile.” Anyhow, Cena’s rhyme is building towards a dropping of the F-Bomb when Angle covers his mic. Angle complements Cena on his rapping skills, then declares he’s not going to rap. Oh. Well. So much for the competition then. He then declares he will tell a story instead and begins reciting something with the measure and cadence of a nursery rhyme. Ok. I’m lying, this was nothing like “8 Mile.”

Anyhow, Kurt gets in a few digs before saying hey, he didn’t come here to rap, he came here to fight! With that, he shocks Cena with a big clothesline, then follows it up with an ass whoopin’. A U.S.A. chant starts, but is killed when Cena clubs Kurt with his mic. He chokes him with his jersey and goes for an FU, but Angle counters into an Angle Slam followed by not one, not two, but three big Germans. When he goes for the Ankle Lock, Cena manages to scramble out of the ring. Rap Battles are cool.

A commercial for The Mullets actually makes me laugh, as one of the dudes passes out while demonstrating the sleeper hold. I once watched someone do that at a school dance in grade 9. It was funny then too. Still not watching The Mullets.

Back from the break to a video package of the various times Brock Lesnar has almost destroyed one-legged wonder and cancer survivor Zach Gowan. They show more photos of Zach as a kid with his prosthetic leg and it truly is amazing what this guy’s managed to accomplish.

“Matt Hardy is not afraid to eat alone in public” we’re informed via MattFact as the less attractive Hardy boy sits down with Michael Cole and Tazz as his little sidekick Shannon Moore prepares to face off against Gowan. With his tats and hair dye, Shannon’s starting to look like a mini-Jeff.

The bell rings and the two lock up. Zach gets tossed and Moore mocks him by hopping around on one foot. Gowan gets him by leaping off the top rope and manages a 2-count after a flurry of offence. Shannon hits a Northern Lights suplex sending Gowan into the turnbuckle and crashing down onto the canvas. While Matt rants about Zach’s push not being warranted, Shannon dominates. Gowan begins to rally back though, scoring more near-falls with a DDT and a spinning neckbreaker. When Hardy tries to interfere he gets hit with a dropkick and it starts to look like Gowan might get his first WWE win. Zach goes for a moonsault on Moore, but Hardy pushes him off the top and he falls hard to the mat. Shannon rolls him up and that’s all she wrote.

Backstage and Taker walks out of Stephanie’s office, giggling like a schoolgirl.

The Smackdown theme of the night appears to be “endless recaps.” I thought it was going to be “surprise clotheslines” after Vince and Kurt’s, but nope, apparently not, as we get another recap of the start of the show and the big McMahon brou-ha-ha.

Chris “The Canadian Crippler” “The Rabid Wolverine” “The Man Who Should Be Chasing Lesnar” Benoit comes down to the ring and we get… Come on, guess! Don’t make me say it! Alright, we get ANOTHER recap! This one details the drama behind the Benoit/A-Train feud. Next through the curtain is the APA, then the A-Train, then the Bashams. It’s almost as though we’re being dared to keep watching.

The Bashams attack the APA with chairs and Ron Simmons almost gets decapitated. The brothers, it seems, want revenge on Bradshaw for clotheslining Shaniqua last week. See, if that had happened this week we would have had a much better theme. Anyhow, it’s a big brawl at ringside, and while I still can’t tell the Bashams apart, I do believe they may have found their leader in the A-Train. Three big, bald, ugly guys in black PVC. In the immortal words of the Big Show “That’s money in the bank.” I’ve even got a name for their clique: De-evolution. Imagine the shirts!

Faarooq is led to the back with what’s probably a collapsed skull. Bradshaw does look younger with his new hair, but as my buddy Ted says “Yeah, younger but stupid.” Fortunately, Benoit is worth three Faarooq’s and he relieves Bradshaw to dominate over the baldies. He manages to hook A-Train into a sharpshooter and for the second week in a row the announce team gives props to Bret Hart. The surprising out-of-nowhere finish comes as Train hits Benoit with the Train Wreck for the win. We go to commercial as De-evolution exacts their revenge by laying out Bradshaw.

As we’re back, WWE Champ Brock Lesnar brings the pain down to the ring, where local boy Paul London is already waiting. Suffice to say, London looks a little nervous. Brock takes the mic and complains about having to come all the way out here to fight some punk. He offers London the chance to touch the title and when the little guy (and he does look little in there next to the Manster) hesitates Lesnar goes off on him “Are you going to touch the thing or are you just going to stand there?” Turns out standing there might have been a better idea because as soon as reaches for the belt Lesnar clocks him.

It’s not even a contest. Michael Cole says “This man is going to rue the day he walked into Vince McMahon’s office” and somewhere A.J. Styles said “You just took the words out of my mouth.” So it comes to pass that one of the most respected indie wrestlers in the country gets the crap kicked out of him in about 30 seconds. Lesnar is all set to F5 him into the steel post when Spanky shows up (there’s a huge pop in my living room) to make the save. But it’s better luck next time as the little guy gets thrown into the ring post and put right back on the injury shelf. Man, that Ring of Honor must suck eh?

Anyways, things get serious as a real man – The Undertaker – comes out onto the stage and tells Brock there’s been a change to their title match at No Mercy. Now it’s going to be a Biker Chain Match. Whatever the hell that is. Presumably it involves chains.

Next, a recap reminds us that Big Show took out Eddie earlier. Am I watching WWE Afterburn? Seriously, they must think we have the attention spans of goldfish. Backstage, Josh Matthews – who has already shown up twice more than Sean O’Haire – talks to Chavo who says that yeah, Eddie’s messed up real bad.

Back from the final break and Chavo’s in the ring calling out the Big Show. Show comes out, dressed in a suit. He asks Chavo if he’s hit his head or something, because he’s already dressed to go out and he’s done fighting for the night. Chavo retorts that he believes the Big Show is “chicken.” Yep, he called him chicken. Then, as though this weren’t grade school enough, he calls him – and I’m quoting here – “Chicky-licky.” Those are apparently two words you never say to the Big Show as this finally brought him down to the ring. He tosses Chavo through the ropes and Chavo happily gets counted out. Some Main Event.

And then it happens. You know, once on Raw Stone Cold Steve Austin once came out in a beer truck and sprayed Vince with beer. That was great. Another time, Kurt Angle came out in a milk truck and sprayed Team Alliance while they mauled a Bette Midler song. That was also pretty great. Well, tonight, Eddie Guerrero drove out to the ring in a truck carrying raw sewage.

Guess what happened.

Remember how The People’s Champion Rocky Maivia used to refer to Big Show as 7 feet, 500 pounds of monkey crap? Well tonight we got to see what that would really look like as Big Show ran up the ramp only to get sprayed, and then covered, with raw sewage. Wet, brown, goopy, raw sewage. Big Show looks like he’s going to cry and everyone in my living room feels really sorry for him as Tazz adds the kicker “That’s one un-jolly giant” to end the show.

Ah, wrestling.

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