Submitted by Rajah on December 21, 2003 at 00:02:00

Welcome everybody to another edition of Smackdown!. I am your resident Smackdown Reporter, The King of Bling Bling xpacnumber1fan. Let's not waste any more time shall we?

Smackdown kicks off with an extreme close up of GM Paul Heyman in the ring saying that as long as he is GM, Chris Benoit will never get another title shot.

Intro. Pyro. Cazz. They edited the intro by the way, taking out Jones and McMahon and adding different things. Pretty cool. But yep. Rock is STILL in the intro. Didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. Cazz welcome us to San Diego, Cali (remember this). Announcer Justin (or Jason, whatever) Roberts intros Paul Heyman who is already in the ring. He says that the fans deserve an explanation. He says that is only following an old WWE tradition. He will build Smackdown on the back of Brock Lesnar, like Vince Sr. built his company on the back of Bruno Sammartino and Vince Jr. did on the back of Hulk Hogan and then "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. But Benoit came a little bit too close for his comfort and nearly screwed up all of his plans. His centerpiece is Brock Lesnar. Here comes the pain. You tapped out. Lesnar says that he is not asking for their respect but demands it. He wants to add another reason why Benoit does not deserve another title shot, that being that he made Benoit tap out, clips shown from last week. He is unstoppable, not weak, etc. Fans start chanting you tapped out and Lesnar comes out with a pretty funny line. And I quote: "Go ahead. You people chant you tapped out all you want because I have two things I can chant to you. Not only can Brock Lesnar make each and every one of you tap out. Brock Lesnar can get each and every one of you deported." Huge heat for that. He then continues... "You see, I got a little chant for you guys right here in Mexico." Heyman then interrupts him and whispers that we are in San Diego. "San Diego wherever the hell we're at. You all look the same it might as well be Mexico. It looks like Mexico out here. So I thought I was in Mexico. I'm in San Diego. You all have to show me respect. San Diego, Mexico, just show me respect." Man this is funny as hell. Anyway. Mysterio's music hits and he comes out. Mysterio says that he could be the greatest champion but no one disrespects his people. If Lesnar doesn't know Spanish, a toda su gente. Then Lesnar catches a nice one liner again saying "That's funny. I think what you said in Spanish is I'm the greatest champion ever right?" Bwahaha. Good heat for that one. Anyway, Mysterio challenges Lesnar to a match. Lesnar says he is the champ but doesn't have the power to make matches. Mysterio then says: "Let me get this straight, you don't have the power, but you also don't have the *holds crotch*?" Man, I love this promo. Lesnar then says it's on and that if Mysterio beats him non-title, next week he will give him a title shot then pushes him down. Mysterio gets back up and in his face says that by the end of this night not only will the fans be chanting you tapped out, but 619 (which they do). End promo.

Oh man, the rest of this report will be trimmed down k peeps? I know y'all love my looong reports but I'll summarize my summary. Anyway, we come back to the Boot of the Week. On Velocity Bradshaw beating Rhyno with a big boot but Rhyno then goring him after the match. Rhyno comes out then Bradshaw. We have...

Rhyno vs. Bradshaw
Ok I'll make this short. Standard power match. Goes back and forth. The ending comes when Bradshaw gives Rhyno the Last Call from the second rope and gets a 2. Then after a big boot and a clothesline charge in the corner, Bradshaw puts Rhyno up on the top rope and catches a superplex. Both are stunned for a few seconds, still in the suplex position on the ground. Bradshaw then tries to float over but Rhyno floats over himself and Rhyno with a small package. 1, 2, 3.
Winner: Rhyno

In the back, Heyman is with A-Train and Matt Morgan. Heyman says that he dealt with Nathan Jones and he is not here. He scolds A-Train for betting against Lesnar last week. He says that he will give him a chance to redeem himself. His match is next. And it is against someone that Lesnar thinks deserves to be on Team Lesnar more than him, someone who has been stealing the spotlight these past few weeks, Shannon Moore. Morgan then gets in Train's face and says that they have a lot of money riding on this match, so don't blow it. Train says he won't blow it. Commercial.

In the back, the F.B.I is taking bets. The Bashams say they have a title match against Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty next week and they want to bet all their money on themselves. They get into a little confrontation with the F.B.I and walk away. Morgan then comes in and asks what are the odds on the Train/Moore match next. Nunzio says 10:1. Morgan then bets everything on Train. Now, what I don't understand is who the bloody hell would actually bet on Moore. Anyway, suspension of disbelief. Train comes out, then Moore, still with his ribs taped up. We are graced with...

A-Train vs. Shannon Moore
Tazz says that Smackdown when on a tour of the Far East and Australia. Jones got a little homesick and he stayed there. Thanks for coming. Bwahaha. Train beats down Moore's ribs. He throws Moore outside and big swings him into the barricade. Back inside, he tears off the rib tape. Moore gets in a little offense with a knee to the face and a splash off the second rope. Then a senton. Moore then charges Train and Train sends him over the top rope. Shorthand clothesline on the outside. Back inside, Train goes for the Train Wreck but Moore sunset flips him and with a little bit of trunks in his hand, he gets the 1, 2, 3.
Winner: Shannon Moore

Moore quickly ducks out of the ring and as he backs up the ramp, Morgan shoulderblocks him down. Morgan, followed by Big Show throw Moore in the ring and beat him down. Train chokes him and sends him to the corner. Morgan charges. Morgan then tells Train to charge and when he does Morgan boots him in the face. Then a clothesline and chokeslam by Big Show. Backstage, we see a close up of some red shows dancing and Lamont encouraging him.

Come back to a video package of the Passport to Smackdown tour. TSPWGTT going around the markets and Eddie and Cena eating some good food. Bradshaw freaking surfing in Australia. Anyway, match up screen for Lesnar and Mysterio later tonight. They show Mysterio's wife and kids and sister-in-laws. Goddamn they are HOT. Also some of his buddies wearing Rey Mysterio masks sitting behind them. In the ring, the man with THE worst wig in the history of ever, intros Cat. Cat is wearing an Elvis ensemble tonight. After a bit of jukin' and jivin' as well as talkin', he calls out Sable. Sable comes out in that a leather dress (*marks out for old school*). Sable asks if Cat wants to see her dance? She then asks Lamont if he wants to see her shake her booty. Then she asks the audience if they want to see the Grind (*mark out for old school*). Sable then says that they are crazy and the only person she dances for is Mr. McMahon. Cat says that he doesn't mind if pretty lady like her yells at him, but she came out here to get down for everyone out there and that they were gonna dance tonight so hit his music. He starts dancing and Sable is going to leave the ring. But Cat grabs her hand and forces a kiss. He then goes crazy, takes off all his clothes and starts dancing in his boxers. In the back, Eddie meets up with Chavo and asks if he is going to be riding with him. Chavo says yea, but only if he promises not to go out there and steal the spotlight. Eddie denies it so Chavo shows him the hat from last week. Chavo then talks about the lawn chair and tacitos. Eddie says forget that. Business is business. Eddie wants to know if Chavo's knee is alright. Chavo says that he is feeling so good he probably won't even tag in Eddie tonight. Eddie says he can't promise he won't steal the spotlight, but he will steal a victory. Chavo says that that must mean he is going to steal it form him because he is going steal the victory tonight. Then Eddie replies that maybe both of them will steal a victory tonight and they both leave all pumped up. Commercial.

Come back to Los Guerreros coming out in a nice lowrider. Damn this San Diego crowd sucks. They hardly give a pop and I think I hear a bit of canned applause. Only when they play to the crowd do they actually get anything. Anyway, TSPWGTT (The Self Proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team for the ignorant ones out there) come out. Let's get ready for...

Los Guerreros vs. TSPWGTT
We start off with Haas and Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Lock up, corner, not so clean break up. Tag to Shelton. Test of strength. Eddie kicks Shelton, does a monkey flip into a hurricanrana. You have to see it. Tag to Chavito. Chavo controls in the corner and Eddie chokes Shelton with the tag rope. Shelton with a an armbreaker. Wow, that was awkward. This was where Eddie got his elbow hyperextended. Anyway, on the outside Shelton lifts the hood of the car and tries to stick Eddie in there to shut it on him. Eddie fights out though but Shelton throws him shoulder first into the ringpost. Commercial. Come back to Haas and Benjamin beating down Eddie. They tag in and out working on Eddie's arm. Keylock by Charlie Haas. Eddie then counters with a powerslam. Eddie fights for a minute trying to tag Chavo and then in a somewhat anti-climactic way does. I guess Eddie was hurting so much he wanted to get out of the ring but Haas was just trying to be heelish and wouldn't let him. Anyway, Chavo is ON FIRE! Backbody drop to Haas and tilt-a-whirl hurricanrana spins three times before the slam occurs. Corkscrew senton by Chavo form the second rope to Haas gets 2. Haas uncharacteristically tries to press slam Chavo but he reverses into a sunset flip. Armbar by Chavo to Haas. Eddie is in pain on the apron. Haas goes to knock Eddie off the apron but Eddie walks down the steps. Then, in such a fluid like spot that it is god-like, Haas goes to back body drop Chavo but Chavo lands on his feet, and right as Chavo lands on his feet Shelton sneaks into the ring and superkicks the hell out of Chavo's right knee. Haas then works over Chavo's knee. Eddie moves to the center of the apron and the ref starts a 5 count out because he isn't holding the tag rope. Tag to Shelton and he applies a single leg Boston Crab. We see that Eddie has untied the tag rope and retied it in the center of the ropes. Haha. The ref goes back to tie the tag rope in the corner when Eddie sneaks in and takes out Haas. He then drags Chavo to the corner, all behind the ref's back. Chavo makes the hot tag to Eddie but the ref throws him back out because Haas tried to come into the ring and he was distracted. Chavo counters a throw up into a dropkick. Chavo is about to tag Eddie but Shelton grabs Eddie from behind and pulls him down. Chavo fights off both Haas and Shelton and makes the hot tag to Eddie. Eddie is ON FIRE! He beats down TSPWGTT with a cool series of moves. In the end, Eddie goes to Frog Splash Shelton but Haas cuts him off. He then superplexes Eddie. Man that HAD to hurt Eddie. 3 men are down in the ring and Chavo on the outside. The 3 in the ring get up and Haas and Benjamin catch that double team move they do. You know, Haas holds the guys legs while his upper body is up on the top rope, then Shelton leapfrogs over Haas onto the opponents back. Chavo breaks up a 3 count. Haas charges Chavo but Chavo pulls down the top rope and Haas goes flying outside. Plancha to Haas by Chavo. Shelton tries to do a move but Eddie with some elbows and goes for the triple suplex. He does two and then Haas charges him. But Eddie ducks down and backbody drops him while still holding on to Shelton. He then catches Shelton with the third suplex. Eddie goes for the Frog Splash but Chavo tags himself in. He does his own Frog Splash and only gets a 2. Eddie is telling him to tag in but Chavo is arguing with the ref. Haas then knocks Chavo into Eddie and TSPWGTT catch their finisher. The inverted atomic drop/superkick. You know what, people are probably going to crucify me for blasphemy. But screw Shawn Michaels. Shelton Benjamin has the best superkick in the business right now. Shelton goes for the cover but the ref says that Eddie is the legal man. Eddie then grabs an air filter and clocks Shelton with it. 1, 2, 3.
Winner: Los Guerreros

Chavo doesn't look too happy that Eddie got the win. Cut to backstage where we see Mysterio warming up. Commercial. Then some press conference saying that Smackdown will be performing and handing out care packages for the troops in Iraq. Aww. Anyway, Show comes out dressed up in thug gear. I'm guessing battle rap time. Anyway, Show says that he has proven that he is physically superior to John Cena in every way, so he is going to beat him at his own game. Yep. Battle rap challenge. He then tells Cena to get his "izass" to the "rizzing" so he can punk it out. Then the man with one of the coolest Trons ever comes out. Show starts off of. And I quote:

"Yo, my name is the Big Show. And there ain't none meaner. Last week I screwed over you, John Cena. Well dude, I done punked you out all over town. What you gon do about it bitch, I'm 500 pounds. Look at you, looking at me. You nothing. I'm a giant. In my world, you the white girl and I'm Kobe Bryant. Yo, yo, yo. Yo dawg, you can't see *you can't see me wavy hand thingy™*. In the ring, I'm better than you on a stick. In fact, my finger is bigger than your *audience* DICK!" Show actually got cheered here a bit. Cena now comes in...

"Could you uh, could you repeat that last line? I didn't really get that. I just heard you heavy breathing dude and choking on your neck fat. Man, I can't believe out of shape that you getting. You been talking for 30 seconds dude and you already sweating. Did, did you eat from the toilet? I'm smelling mysterious gases. Oh bro, close your mouth you got the breath of a thousand asses. Yo it's either that, or you rocking some phony pits. You just a fat slob with hairy baloney tits. You need to hit them sit ups too, you not exactly leanest. Forget about seeing me bro, you can't see your own penis. And, and mine is bigger than your finger. It's as big as your whole head. You think I'm coming up short? That's not what your mom said." Crowd starts chanting Cena. He then continues... "And since this is a battle rap, I know I'm not getting hurt. How am I gonna get dissed by the white Fat Albert? So now your rap career is over, it's time for you to quit. Ain't no place for a 500 pound talking piece of *audience* SHIT!" Cena then kicks Show in the gonads and runs out of the ring. Commercial.

Come back to the Smack of the Night!: Benoit unconscious and Lesnar putting on the Crossface. Cazz talk about what happened last week. We learn that Brock Lesnar has named the move he used on Benoit last week the Brock Lock (I thought that was the name of the bearhug he used. Meh). We see a video package of what happened last week. How many more freaking times do we need to see this? Anyway, in the back, Josh Matthews is with Benoit. Gist of it, Benoit makes no excuses because he did not win. He has realized that his dreams have been shattered. The question is now not when he will get his next title shot, but if. he says that Heyman sees Smackdown as nothing more than business but this his passion. And nothing can take away that. Now we see the Tale of the Tape for the main event. Commercial.

Come back to Mysterio's music. Brock comes out now. Bell rings and now we are subjected to...

Brock Lesnar vs. Rey Mysterio
Brock is just laughing at Mysterio but the fans chant you tapped out. Lock up and Lesnar throws him down. Lock up and throw again. Mysterio with a go behind but Lesnar elbows Rey and just throws him. Rey charges Lesnar with a kick to the knee. Dropkick to the knee. Drop toe hold into the second turnbuckle. Rey runs around the ring with Lesnar behind him. He ducks in and out of the ring about 3 times doing figure 8's. Finally Brock just stops in front of the announce table to catch his breath. Lesnar is just taking it easy on the outside pacing then he just grabs the steel steps. Mysterio baseball slides the steps into Lesnar. Rey tries to beat down Brock on the outside but Lesnar sends Rey spine first into the steel post. Lesnar rolls Rey in the ring. Lesnar beats on Rey for a bit. Rey then pulls down the ropes but Lesnar goes outside. Rey goes for a hurricanrana to Brock from the apron to the outside but Lesnar catches him. Rey then counters into a sunset flip which sends Lesnar back first into the barricade. Mysterio then climbs up on the apron and tries again but Lesnar catches him again. But this time Rey does the hurricanrana and sends Lesnar into the steel post. Rey then goes into the ring and catches a plancha to Lesnar. Commercial. Come back to Rey going for a crossbody but Brock catches him. He smashes his back into his knee a couple of times then sends him up into F5 position. Rey holds on to the ropes though. The ref tries to break it but Lesnar pushes him off. He then kicks Rey in the groin. Elbow drops. Mysterio starts fighting back but a clothesline stops that rally. Lesnar then catches some weird submission. Goes behind Mysterio and crosses his arms and locks his legs around his body. Brock breaks it. He sends Mysterio hard into the corner and then pushes him out of the ring. Lesnar then taunts Mysterio while Mysterio is on the apron. Brock is halfway out of the ropes when Rey kicks the second rope, thus crotching Lesnar. He then kicks him into the ring and Lesnar lands in 619 on the adjacent ropes. Rey then runs on the apron to the post and 619's Lesnar from the outside. Drop of the Dime gets a close 2. Dropkicks to the head and tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Hurricanrana gets 2. Lesnar tries to send Rey to the outside but Rey lands on the apron and goes for the West Coast Pop. Lesnar catches him though and a hard powerbomb down. Brock Lock. Brock is having a hard time applying it to Rey because he is so small but eventually it works and Rey taps out.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

Brock goes to attack Rey further but one of Rey's family members wearing his mask tries to run into the ring. Security holds him back though. He removes his mask and it is actually Hardcore Holly. He then knocks Brock out of the ring and a staredown ends the show.

As always, feedback can be sent to thecruzanhurricane@hotmail.com. I enjoy reading your emails so send em damnit! Until next week, you King of Bling Bling signing out.

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