Submitted by Rajah on January 10, 2004 at 08:20:31

Hey hey hey. This is your King of Bling Bling, xpacnumber1fan here. Just recently came from the beautiful island of Puerto Rico back to my beautiful island. Thank you Rajah for giving me two weeks paid vacation. I don't have a whole lot of time so this might not be a big report. But let's get this here started.

Intro. Pyro. Cazz. They welcome us to Laredo, Texas. We learn that Hardcore Holly will face Brock at Royal Rumble for the WWE Championship. Who dat jumping out the sky? Well it's Rey Mysterio. He is kicking us off here. Who is his opponent? Tajiri, complete with Akio and Sakoda. This will be a title match. Bell rings and we have...

Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri (Cruiserweight Title Match)
Some mat basics with Tajiri trying to work Rey's leg. Rey whipped hard into the corner. Rey with an armdrag from the second rope. Tajiri goes for the handspring elbow but Rey dropkicks him in the back to the outside. Senton to the outside. Commercial. Come back to Rey hanging up Tajiri in 619 position. Rey baseball slides Akio on the opposite side of the ring. Akio distracts the ref and when Rey goes for the 619, Sakoda stops him and knocks him out of the ring. Rey is back in the ring and Tajiri gets to work on Rey's left leg. Kneebreakers and kicks abound. Tree of Woe and Tajiri dropkicks Rey's knee. Nice move. 2 count. Irish whip to the corner. Tajiri goes for the Tarantula but Rey holds on to the bottom turnbuckle. Tajiri decides to go for a sunset flip instead but Rey rolls through and dropkicks him in the face. Rey puts Tajiri on the top rope and top rope hurricanrana gets 2. Tajiri goes to work on Rey's leg but Rey counters with a springboard splash. Rey goes for a kick but Tajiri catches his leg. Rey goes into wheelbarrow position and bulldog gets 2. Damn cool move. Best I could say is an armdrag held into a crucifix pin. Tajiri tries to send Rey to the outside but Rey holds on. Springboard sitdown senton but Tajiri rolls through into a single leg Boston Crab. Rey breaks it on the ropes. Rey catches an enziguiri. Tajiri in the corner and pulls Rey down into the second turnbuckle. Tajiri goes for a superplex but Rey knocks him off, knocking down the ref in the process. Akio knocks Rey off and into a Tajiri kick to the midsection. Hard running powerbomb gets 2. Tajiri goes for the Kick of Death but Rey ducks and rolls him up for 2. Rey goes for a Victory roll but reverses into a hurricanrana. 619. Rey goes for the West Coast Pop but Tajiri ducks and Mysterio lands on his feet. He receives a kick to the face for his efforts though. He backs up into the ropes. Sakoda goes on the apron and tries to hold Rey but Rey ducks when Tajiri goes for the green mist. Tajiri kicks Akio off the other apron and then delivers a standing hurricanrana to Tajiri. 1, 2, 3.
Winner and new Cruiserweight champion: Rey Mysterio

Cole comes into the ring to interview Rey. Rey is proud, yada yada yada. Happy New Year. When he is done Big Show's music plays though. Big Show comes down and he promotes his new shirt, much to the chagrin of Rey. "Chicks dig it big" in the front, "It doesn't get any bigger than this" in the back. The tone and the way Show promotes this shirt is really funny. Anyway, finally just grabs Big Show's shirt and teases throwing it into the crowd a couple of times. Show says that if he throws that shirt into the crowd, he is gonna beat Rey's ass. Rey fakes he is gonna give it to him and throws it into the crowd. Rey gets a little beatdown from Show. Rey goes up for the chokeslam when Hardcore Holly comes in and dropkicks Show in the back. 619 to Show. Holly and Rey then back up the ramp together. Nice way to kill Rey's title win eh? Cut to commercial.

Come back to "Moment Ago". Just read the above paragraph. In the back, Show is irate. He is throwing crap around and smashing tv's when Heyman comes and calms him down. He says he is going to give him a match against Hardcore Holly later in the night. Back in the ring, Bradshaw comes down. Now Rhyno. This is the rubber match between these two. Don't expect too much detail on this match guys. Bell rings we have...

Rhyno vs. Bradshaw
Power moves the whole match. The finish comes when Bradshaw hits the Last Call. Irish whip and back elbow. Rhyno with a thumb to the eyes. Rhyno sends Bradshaw into the corner and charges but Bradshaw moves, bounces off the ropes catches the Clothesline from Hell.
Winner: Bradshaw

Cazz show Eddie on the cover of Lowrider magazine. They also show how Los Guerreros were invited by a radio station to a Lowrider contest. 30 Lowriders in all. Pretty cool. Now cut to a little segment with rey Mysterio in the recording studio. He says it's all about feeling the vibe and he might have a career in rap after he is done wrestling. Apparently he has a music video as well. Meh. Anyway, get WWE Originals. Commercial.

Come back to Cazz introing a video package of the WWE in Iraq. In the back, we see Heyman walking down a hallway talking to the camera. He says that this might be a little bit out of character but he wants to say how much of an honor it was for Smackdown to support the troops out there in Iraq. He feels th... John Cena is standing right there. Cena says that Heyman talks about supporting the troops, but he was there. He and the superstars were there supporting the people that risk their life for people like him, and for scum like Heyman. He says Heyman needs to check himself and asks where he was. Cena says that Heyman was "scurred". He calls Heyman a big fat coward. Heyman says he has never been called a coward. He says that he is a leader of men and he would lead his Smackdown troops into battle, he believes in his country and he believes in the land of opportunity. Talking about opportunity, he says that for the Royal Rumble, he control the opportunity for the 15 men of Smackdown in his hands. He says that so far, he isn't it. But he will give him an opportunity. If he wins, his match, he will be in the Royal Rumble. He, and a partner of his choosing, will face the F.B.I in a handicap match. If they win, they are both in the Rumble. He says good luck finding someone because the match is next. Also, good luck finding someone who wants to take the risk because if he and his partner lose, they lose their opportunity to be in the Rumble. He also wishes him a Happy New Year. Cut to commercial.

Come back to the F.B.I in the ring. Cue the Doctor of Thuganomics with a mic in his hand. And I quote:

"Me fighting the F.B.I., there's no way that I can do this. Now to get to the Royal Rumble I gotta beat the Three Stooges. That's not all, I heard your door swings the wrong way bro. Know what I mean, I hit on chicks like drunk Broadway Joe. But enough of that talk of John Cena being a man whore. Let me tell you people what F.B.I really stands for. Forget your greased up hair and that stupid cigar Chuck, the F means you guys are stupid as *crowd* F*CK!. Yea that's right, what you gon get when you step to me. Dude I seek you out with straight E.S.P. You try to come at me, bring another hit. You not full blooded, you full of bull *crowd* SHIT!. And the Doctor of Thuganomics bout take you to class. Cause that I, stands for I'm about to kick your *crowd* ASS!"

Cena wraps his chain around his fist and walks to the ring. I guess he didn't get a partner. As he is walking down, Chris Benoit's music hits. He grabs Cena's mic. Benoit says he has nothing to lose. He is sick and tired of Heyman's crap. He is willing to be Cena's partner tonight and make those bitches tap, word life. I just noticed, that rhymed. So now we got Benoit rapping. Fo shizzle my neezy. Anyway, Cena and Benoit tap fists and they enter the ring together. They get beatdown as they enter, the bell rings and we have...

John Cena and Chris Benoit vs. The Full Blooded Italians
Cena and Stamboli start. Cena with some right hands, a *you can't see me wavy hand thingy™*, and a hard right knocks him down. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the F.U. but Palumbo kicks Cena in the face. 2 count by Stamboli. Cena gets beatdown by all three members of the F.B.I., who are tagging each other in and out. Palumbo goes for a pin but Benoit saves it. Palumbo with a submission and Benoit starts a Cena chant. Cena tries to break out but Palumbo stops that with a right hand. Triple team. Rear chinlock by Stamboli. Stamboli is getting bald as hell. Huge baldspot on his head. Anyway, Cena tries to break out but Stamboli stops him. Beatdown again. Cena with a quick Protoplex to Palumbo and makes the hot tag. Benoit is ON FIRE! Sick snap suplexes to everyone. Germans to everyone. Headbutt to Stamboli. Nunzio breaks the three count. Double team by Stamboli and Palumbo stops Benoit. Stamboli pins but Cena breaks the count. Sharpshooter to Stamboli but Palumbo with the Whack to Benoit. Stamboli pins but Benoit kicks out. Stamboli military presses Benoit but Benoit counters into the Crossface. Palumbo tries to come in and break it but Cena intercepts him and hits the F.U. Stamboli then taps out.
Winners: Chris Benoit and John Cena

They celebrate and show each other respect. Kurt Angle is next. Commercial.

Kurt Angle is back. Gist of the promo is that he appreciates what the soldiers are doing. He can't imagine being away from his daughter for a year yet soldiers are doing that, defending their freedom. He wants to kick ass for America like the soldiers are doing, but he is a wrestler. What he can do is kick ass in the ring. He is entering himself in the Royal Rumble. And one last time, he just wants to give a thank you to all the soldiers out there. Needless to say U.S.A chants abound in during the promo. Holly/Show next. Commercial.

Come back to Big Show entering. Holly is next. We now have...

Hardcore Holly vs. Big Show (Non-Title)
The fight around a bit in the beginning. Hard clothesline knocks down Holly. Beatdown ensues. Chokes, stomps, right hands, headbutts. Hog Log by Show. Show pins but lifts Holly up at two. Holly tries to fight back but Show puts a stop to that. Beatdown again. Focuses on Holly's neck. Elbows to the neck, headbutts, etc. Show irish whips Holly but Holly comes back with a chop block. Holly with some rights. Show sends him to the corner but Holly moves. Holly guillotines Show on the ropes then goes to the top turnbuckles and catches Show with a flying clothesline. 2 count. Show comes back with a sidewalk slam. Shoulderbreaker. Show says he is gonna break Holly's neck and Full Nelson by Show. Rey Mysterio comes down with a steel chair and climbs the top turnbuckle. He jumps down but Show catches the chair with a right fist which knocks the chair into Mysterio's head, who is now writhing on the canvas in pain. That's the new Cruiserweight champions folks. You ask is Vince is burying the Cruiserweights? Of COURSE not. Heh. Anyway, blatant low blow by Holly gets him DQ'd. Holly then goes BUCK WILD with the chair. Show is donning a crimson mask.
Winner: Hardcore Holly

Holly and Mysterio back up the ramp together and Show does his screaming thing. Commercial. Come back to see a lil video package of Billy Gunn. He returns at the Royal Rumble. Dawn is in the back with Paul and she asks when she is gonna get the cover of that Smackdown magazine like he promised. Benoit then comes in laughing. Paul asks if he is proud of himself and Benoit says that for someone that wasn't even supposed to be in the Royal Rumble, he is looking at the next Royal Rumble winner. Better yet, the next Champion. Heyman then explains the difference between management and working grunts. He says people like Heyman stops people like Benoit. He is going to make Benoit number 1. Not number 1 as in number 1 contender, but the number 1 entry in the Royal Rumble. Benoit then grabs his finger and says that Heyman will never break his will. In another room, we see the lamest title celebration EVER for Rey Mysterio. Funaki is pouring water on Mysterio while he is jumping up and down. He is surrounded by Bradshaw, Orlando Jordan, and Shannon Moore all yelling Yaaaaaaayyyyyy. Vince burying the Cruisers? Naaaaaaaaaaa. Anyway, Eduardo Guerrero comes in and starts congratulating him. Chavo walks in but no one notices. Eddie says that watching that belt around Mysterio makes him want to get some gold of his own. He is going to enter the Royal Rumble. Chavo then says he wants to talk to Eddie. The wrestlers says it a celebration for Mysterio. Mysterio: "Come on gimme a hug dawg." Chavo just backs away and says congratulations. Haha. Chavo then asks what is going on with him. Chavo says that he is selfish for joining the Royal Rumble. He says that they are a tag team and their goal is to bring home the Tag Team championship. Keep focused. They leave together pumped up. Commercial.

Come back to Los Guerreros. Hey, Chavito is driving. Cool. Anyway, now comes the guys with one of the coolest intros to a Tron ever, The Self-Proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team. We have...

Los Guerreros vs. TSPWGTT
Shelton and Eddie start. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Eddie controls a bit then tags in Chavo. Chavo gets in a couple of hits but Shelton then forces Chavo to his corner. Tag to Haas. Dropkick to Haas and Chavo gets 2. Chavo is in the corner fighting off both Shelton and Haas. Tag to Haas and Chavo doesn't realize it. Chavo sends Haas to the corner but Haas reverses. Haas goes charging but Chavo goes running under. He runs right into a huge T-Bone suplex by Shelton though. Cover gets 2. Tag to Haas. Double team, powerslam onto Haas' knee. Haas gets 2. Chavo sent into the corner but catches Haas with a boot on the return then does it again. He has an opportunity to tag Eddie but decides to run to Haas instead. He receives a powerslam for his efforts. Eddie knocks down Haas from the apron. Ref scolds him for that and Eddie doesn't wanna hear it. Both men are down and Eddie begs for a tag but Chavito still doesn't give it to him. Chavo turns around and eats a clothesline. 2 count. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Double knockdown. Eddie goes crazy on the apron trying to get Shelton's attention. He runs on the apron to where Shelton is standing but the ref stops him. Shelton is mad and tries to get in but the ref tries to get him back in his corner. While the ref is preoccupied with Shelton, Eddie grabs Chavo and pulls him to the corner. When the ref turns around, Eddie grabs the tag rope and tags Chavo. Oh that sly Eddie. Anyway, Eddie is ON FIRE! After a few moves, he gets Haas alone. Triple suplex. He is about to go up but Chavo tags himself in. Shelton comes form behind and knocks Eddie out. Chavo grabs Shelton and pulls him out as well. Chavo then climbs up on the rope and poses, to a less than stellar crowd reaction might I add, and goes for the Frog Splash. Haas gets his knees up though. Shelton then comes in AND CLOBBERS CHAVO WITH THE HARDEST MOTHERF*CKING SUPERKICK I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!! Goddamn, that was the loudest and sickest superkick in the WWE. He took his goddamned head off. Man that rocked. Whoo. Anyway, Haas covers for the 3 count. Eddie tries to get in but doesn't on time. Haas gets the pin.
Winners: TSPWGTT

Chavo is acting all pissed off at Eddie and asks for a mic. Chavo says that Eddie was the reason they lost the match. Night in and night out, he never hears any Chavo chants. Eddie starts up a Chavo chant. Isn't too loud. Chavo says it's always Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. That starts up a loud ass Eddie chant and Eddie just shrugs his shoulders. Chavo then says he is sick of the chants and he is sick of Eddie. He then slaps him. Eddie turns around and closes his eyes and look all mad and demonic for about a minute. Chavo meanwhile is just saying come on and is acting all ready to fight. When Eddie finally turns around to go after Eddie, Kurt Angle was waiting right behind Eddie to hold him back. That looked like magic man. Anyway, Chavo backs up the ramp to Chavo sucks chants and Eddie is still being restrained by Angle. Commercial.

Come back to see Angle and Eddie arguing in the back. Angle says that Chavo is family. To calm down. Eddie is pissed off as hell. He says that Eddie is selfish. Eddie says it has nothing to do with him. He is not family. Angle says to look in the mirror to see the problem. It's about American family values. He says that Chavo is right. We then cut to Cole and Tazz talking about that segment and then wish everybody a Happy New Year. Fade to black.

If that wasn't the most anti-climactic ending to a wrestling show ever, I don't know what is. Anyway, keep safe everyone out there. Take care. You know where to hit me up on this e-thang. thecruzanhurricane@hotmail.com. I'll see you guys next week.

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