Submitted by Rajah on January 31, 2004 at 11:22:41

After a car accident, derailed your King of Bling Bling from being able to provide you, my loving fans, with this page of text which is called the Smackdown Report, he is back to deliver the best damn report on the internet. This is xpacnumberfan here, and this is your Smackdown Report. Let's get started.

Intro. Pyro. Cazz. We are in Minneapolis, MN. Famous wrestling town here. Birthplace of Brock Lesnar, X-Pac (woohoo), Mr. Perfect, and a little known fact, Ric Flair. V.S. screen shows that Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero will face Chavo and Chavo Guerrero later tonight. Sidenote, Chavo Sr.'s V.S. graphic is cool. Who dat jumping out the sky? Why it's Rey Mysterio and the Cruiserweight champion kicks off the show. Who is his opponent? A Mr. Chuck Palumbo from the F.B.I.

Rey Mysterio vs. Chuck Palumbo (w/ F.B.I.) (non-title, obviously)
Rey tries to use his quickness to take down Chuck but a big shoulder block stops that. Chuck goes for a powerbomb but Rey punches out of it. He now goes for the left knee with kicks. Rey goes for the 619 but Stamboli pulls down the second rope while Nunzio distracts the ref. Rey is back in the ring at 8. Chuck with a knee and a hard back suplex by Chuck. 2 count. Chuck now goes for Rey's left knee as well, pounding it against the mat. Single leg Boston Crab by Chuck. Rey tries to go for the ropes but Chuck goes back to the center of the ring. Rey rolls out of it sending Chuck into the corner. Chuck grabs Rey though and pushes him into the corner. Chuck puts Rey on the top rope but Rey counters with his sit down senton. Rey tries to whip Chuck to the opposite corner but Chuck reverses and smashes Rey into the corner. Rey with a quick roll up which gets 2. Chuck whips Rey into the roes but Rey counters with a cool-ass moonsault reverse DDT. Nunzio gets up on the apron, distracting Rey who then turns around into a sick big boot to the side of the jaw. Chuck goes for a corner charge but Rey moves and Chuck goes shoulder first into the ring post. Rey goes up top for a crossbody block but Chuck catches him. Chuck sends him up into the air to put him on his shoulders but Rey counters with a roll-up and gets 3.
Winner: Rey Mysterio Jr.

Afterwards, Stamboli charges into the ring and knocks down Rey. Beatdown ensues. The F.B.I. catch Rey with the Kiss of Death (called the Sicilian Slice by Cole. I hate it when announcers get finisher names wrong *mad*). Jamie Noble comes down to the ring while the F.B.I is still in there. Noble starts talking to Nunzio and Nunzio starts making the money sign with his fingers. Noble then pulls out an envelope and hands it to Nunzio. Noble then grabs the Cruiserweight belt and poses with it in the middle of the ring. We see Heyman eating soap last week and Cole says that a Heyman interview is next. Commercial.

Heyman is in the back with Josh Matthews. Heyman rambles on and on about stuff. He is trying to market Smackdown to first class high society people. People like Benoit and Cena just appeal to the low class people with their thuggery and their hip-hop and their rap. Yes, he just said BENOIT and Cena. M.C. Wolverine? Anyway, Heyman announces a match. It will be Benoit and Cena vs. Rhyno (camera pans out to see him standing there) and Matt Morgan (camera pans out). And WWE U.S. Title holder Big Show (camera). And oh yea, Brock Lesnar. (camera). Heyman will personally be at ring side to see Benoit and Cena get decimated.

Cut to the back where Los Guerreros (Chavos) are chatting when Angle walks up to them. Chavo Sr. says Angle should stay out of their family business. Angle says that Chavo lied to him and betrayed his trust. That makes this his business. Angle starts talking about family values when Chavo tells him to shove it. He says that Angle doesn't know how it feels like to work your ass off to get held down by a member of your own family. Angle says save it. He grew up with 4 older brothers, all bigger and stronger than him, wanting to be in the spotlight. He says he didn't cry and complain, he won a freakin gold medal for his country. Since they won't learn their lesson, Angle and Eddie are gonna beat it out of them. Commercial.

Come back to Wrestlemania Recall: Honky Tonk Man beating Jake "The Snake" Roberts with a sh*tty roll-up and holding the ropes for a 1, 2, 3. Alice Cooper gets in the ring and challenges Jimmy Hart. Jimmy Hart then puts up his dukes as he is about to engage in fisticuffs when Jake holds him in a full nelson and tells Alice to get the snake. Not quite at Bubba level. Anyway, Hart is a recipient of Damien until HTM pulls him out.

Tajiri is out now sans Akio and Sakoda. They are getting set for their own Rumble qualifier later tonight. Kidman is out now. This is a Royal Rumble qualifying match.

Tajiri vs. Kidman (Royal Rumble qualifier)
Lock up and Tajiri with a hammerlock. Kidman reverses with an armdrag. Whip to the ropes and Kidman with a hurricanrana. Kidman climbs up to the top rope but Tajiri catches him with a kick to the head. Tajiri pulls Kidman off the top rope by his arm. Man, Tajiri has the best taunts in the business. Kick to the left arm. 2 count. Keylock by Tajiri. Kidman fights out and hits a drop toe hold. Kidman slides under a kick and hits a back elbow. Running clothesline gets 2. Tajiri takes advantage with some kicks to both arms of Kidman and gets a 2 count. Tajiri tries to go for a hammerlock suplex but Kidman reverses with a whip to the ropes. Tajiri goes for the handspring elbow, but like always, receives a dropkick in the back for his efforts. Man, he NEVER hits that move now. It's like how Flair never hits a top rope move or Bubba never catches that damn senton. Kidman pulls Tajiri to the corner, presumably for the Shooting Star. Kidman goes for it but Tajiri rolls out of the way. A Kick of Death later...
Winner: Tajiri

Lesnar and Show are walking in the back and Show tells Lesnar that he needs to stop shadowing him. Lesnar says that he wants to discuss strategy with him for tonight. Show says that he knows what's going on. Anywhere he goes Lesnar follows him (including the bathroom. Yeuch). Show got a restraining order against Bob Holly for himself, not for Lesnar. He needs some time by himself. he needs to prep for the match tonight. And he will win the Royal Rumble and go for Brock's title at Wrestlemania. Lesnar says that he doesn't like following Show's big ass around. Eating everywhere, burping, farting. Brock's gained 15 pounds following him around. The only reason he is following him around is to protect him from Holly. Show says that Holly is gonna be more dangerous now since he has nothing to lose. And Show says that mean nothing to him. It just means he has a different opponent for the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Somebody other than him. Show goes into his dressing room (followed by the cops) to have his "alone time". Yea, nice alone time with 374 cops following you. Lesnar now looks around kinda nervously. Commercial.

Come back to A-Train in the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, A-Train has shaved. No, not his back, but his beard. If he looked bad before, he looks A HELL of a lot worse now. Grow back the hair buddy. Anyway, Dawn comes out with a mic. She says that the next match will be a Rumble qualifier. A-Train will face somebody that has defeated him in the past. Shannon Moore. Train is liking this. And hey, so is Moore. He looks pretty cocky walking down that ramp. Bells rings...

Shannon Moore vs. A-Train
God, A-Train looks like a big, fat, hairy baby. Anyway, Train goes to attack but Moore ducks and hits some forearms. Train pushes him off and charges but gets a drop toe hold into the corner instead. Train pushes him off again but Moore jumps on him and bites him. Moore then charges but gets a hip toss into the corner, then proceeds to land on his freakin neck. Train gets a 2 count. Train with his unique stretching rack when the Cat's music hits. Cat comes out with Lamont and starts dancing on the ramp. Shannon tries to roll up Train but Train pushes him off and out of the ring. Train with a big swing into the steel steps. Derailer. Train is in the Rumble.
Winner: A-Train

Heyman is with Morgan, Rhyno, and Lesnar in the back pumping them up. He then asks where Show is. Lesnar says he is in his lockerroom with his cop buddies. Heyman says Show must be getting pumped up. They then leave and we leave into commercial.

Come back to a video package of the Lesnar and Holly chronicles. Heyman's lifeguard chair is set up right at ring side. Basic Thuganomics hits. Cole then shills the song. And I quote: "Basic Thuganomics on WWE Originals, blazing, hot joint. Jump off. Club jam. John Cena is telling me that quote, this song is hotter than a fat chick in the summer in the projects, unquote." [/complete white boy] And now I quote Cena...

"Last week, Paul Heyman. I'm here to apologize. Cause when fat ass was eating soap, I shoulda rubbed some in his eyes. It was Paul Heyman who made the match, ain't no way I'm stopping it. Last week he was chewing soap, that fool's just used to just dropping it. And it's ironic, that his favorite team is the New York Yankees. Who is his favorite lil rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spaaanky? Or is it Brock? I heard they give each other naked backrubs. Big Show's got the neckbrace, he was bobbing for apples. In Paul's bathtub. Tonight is just like the Rumble, competition is soft. People attack me, I throw em out. They just keep beating em off."

I think I might stop transcribing these raps. They SUCK big time now. Anyway, Benoit comes out. Lesnar now w/ Heyman. Rhyno next. Now Morgan. Show's music hits but he doesn't come out. We look backstage and see that a forklift, with no keys, is blocking Big Show's door. Commercial. Come back to see the forklift still blocking Show's door. The bell rings and we have...

Brock Lesnar, Matt Morgan, Rhyno, and Big Show vs. Chris Benoit and John Cena
Lesnar and Benoit start off. Brock ducks to the outside. He comes back into the ring, and then tags in Matt Morgan. Benoit with chops in the corner. Tag to Cena. Cena with clubs to the back. Bodyslam gets 2. Morgan with a punch to the gut. Tag to Rhyno. Headlock. Shoulder block by Rhyno. Cena hits a hop toss on Rhyno. Cena tries to go after Heyman but Rhyno hits Cena in the back. Cena hits a clothesline though and gets a 2. Tag to Benoit. Snap suplex gets 2. Rhyno counters a hard irish whip to the corner. Tag to Lesnar. Stomps. Lesnar with the "you can't see me wavy hand thingy™" to Cena. Surprisingly huge heat for that. Benoit with a jawbreaker. Tag to Cena. Cena goes wild on Lesnar with some big right hands. Shoulderblock gets 2. Lesnar counters an irish whip. Beatdown in the corner. Irish whip to Cena but Cena catches Lesnar with an elbow on the charge. Cena runs at Lesnar but receives a spinebuster for his efforts. 3 2 counts. Tag to Rhyno. Criss-cross choke by Rhyno. Tag to Lesnar. Suplex. "You can't see me wavy hand thingy™" to Cena by Lesnar but Cena catches him with a right to the jaw. Cena charges but gets a knee to the gut. Shoulder rams in the corner. Lesnar sends Cena to the corner and charges but Cena moves. Lesnar with a shoulder full of ring post. DDT by Cena. Hot tag to Benoit. Benoit is ON FIRE! Double Germans to Lesnar. Benoit goes for a third but Lesnar counters and tries for one of his own. He holds Benoit in the waistlock and Rhyno goes for the Gore. But Benoit moves and Lesnar eats Gore. Double German to Morgan. Lesnar comes in and tries for an F5 but Benoit counters into the Crossface. Rhyno breaks it up. Sick spinebuster by Rhyno to Benoit. Rhyno goes back out of the ring and Lesnar tags him in. Rhyno charges but receives a drop toe hold to the second rope. Lesnar grabs his WWE Title and leaves up the ramp. Holly attacks him though and is beating Lesnar. Holly has Lesnar in a full nelson until some refs and agents break it up. Lesnar then nails Holly with a hard right while the refs hold back Holly. Commercial. Come back to Rhyno scoop slamming Benoit and getting a 2 count. Submission by Rhyno then tag to Morgan. Choke by Morgan. Tag to Rhyno. Back suplex by Benoit to Rhyno. Rhyno cheapshots Cena off the apron when Benoit is about to tag Cena. Belly to belly by Rhyno. Gore to Benoit. Heyman goes nuts on his lifeguard chair yelling GORE! Cena breaks up the count. Tag to Morgan. Scoop slam. Morgan goes for an elbow but Benoit rolls away. Morgan gets up and tries again to Benoit rolls away. Enziguiri to Morgan. Hot tag to Benoit. Cena is ON FIRE! Throwback to Rhyno. Cena pumps up his sneakers, "you can't see me wavy hand thingy™" to Heyman, and delivers a top rope elbow to the back of Rhyno. Morgan breaks up the 3 count. Belly to belly by Rhyno to Cena. Rhyno goes for the Gore but Cena moves out of the way and a roll up gets 2. Cena then kicks Rhyno in the gut, and one F.U. later, he gets the victory.
Winners: John Cena and Chris Benoit

Morgan then comes in and attacks Cena. He goes for the powerbomb but Benoit breaks it up and sends Morgan to the outside. Benoit and Cena then go outside and topple over the lifeguard chair, sending Heyman into the ring. Very hard too might I add. Heyman begs off and Cena and Benoit stalk him. Uh oh. Big Show is walking down the ramp though, looking badass by the way. He takes off his neckbrace and he looks pretty damn mean. Benoit turns around and charges at Show but Show catches him with a big boot. Clothesline to Cena. Bodyslam to Benoit. Chop and huge hip toss to Cena. Military press to Benoit and Show just lets Benoit drop. Chokeslam to Cena. Chokeslam to Benoit. He throws both of them over the top rope. He then stands in the center of the ring and yells really loud.

You know, some people might not have liked how Show came down and beat down those two men. But I did. He was made to look like a huge threat, plus it was badass. Commercial.

Come back to Bradshaw. This is a Rumble qualifier. Here come Akio and Sakoda. This will be a triple threat match. Akio and Sakoda have GOT to get rid of that sh*tty techno pop drum machine music they have for an entrance. Anyway...

Akio vs. Bradshaw vs. Sakoda
I'm getting really tired of typing man and I've still got one more to go. So since this is a Bradshaw match, I'll just say the cool spots.
1. Bradshaw with the Last Call off of the second turnbuckle to Sakoda.
2. Bradshaw goes for a powerbomb to Sakoda but Akio catches him with a sick front kick to the jaw.
3. Double front spin kick (aka the Ghetto Blaster, old school) to the chest and back of Bradshaw.
4. Akio with a rolling kick to Sakoda. Long time I don't see that.
5. Akio coming off the rope right into a Clothesline from Hell. Bradshaw gets the pin.
Winner: Bradshaw

We come back from commercial to the Best of Billy Gunn countdown. His number 1 moment was when he was gonna marry Chuck. The publicity he got out of that stunt was second to none. TV shows, newspapers, and such. He is gonna add on to his list of WWE accomplishments by winning the Royal Rumble and becoming the WWE champion. Cazz send it to King and J.R. who talk about the Raw portion of the Royal Rumble. Judging from the Royal Rumble screen, the participants are...

Smackdown:
Chris Benoit (number 1 entry)
Tajiri
Rhyno
Matt Morgan
The Cat
John Cena
Bradshaw
Charlie Haas
Shelton Benjamin
Nunzio
Rikishi
A-Train
Big Show
Kurt Angle
Billy Gunn

Raw:
Goldberg (number 30 entry)
Mark Henry
Rene Dupree
Christian
The Hurricane
Kane
Chris Jericho
Booker T.
Rico
Scott Steiner
Test
Matt Hardy v.1
Spike Dudley
Randy Orton
RVD

In the back, we see Angle pumping up Eddie. Angle says that the reason Eddie has never been a world champ is that he doesn't control his emotions. When he teams with Angle tonight, Eddie had better control his emotions in able to win the match. Commercial.

Eddie comes out in his lowrider. Angle now. Los Guerreros are out now. Bell rings and we have...

Los Guerreros (Chavo and Chavo) vs. Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle
The beginning of this match is basically Angle is wrestling and doesn't let Eddie get into the ring. After a while, he tags in Eddie. Eddie and Jr. face off. Eddie sends Jr. out of the ring and goes to attack but Sr. jumps him from behind. Eddie is the face-in-peril during this match. Series of submissions wearing down Eddie's arm, lots of tagging in and out by Jr. and Sr. Eddie then hits a huge tilt-a-whirl back breaker on Chavo and a dropkick on Sr. Hot tag to Angle. Angle is ON FIRE! German to Jr. German to Sr. Angle goes for the Angle Slam on Sr. but Chavo chopblocks Angle's knee. Eddie tags himself in and attacks Sr. Eddie goes to Jr. but Sr. grabs him from the back. Jr. goes to clothesline Eddie but he ducks and Jr. runs right into a German by Angle whilst Eddie catches Sr. with a back suplex. Apparently Angle has hurt his eye. Eddie goes to check on him and Angle Angle Slams him. Angle rolls to the outside and the ref gives the "X" sign, the sign refs give when a wrestler is legitimately hurt. But, that is the WWE working the smark fans because Angle isn't really hurt. They did this before. Anyway, back in the ring Jr. and Sr. double team Eddie until Jr. goes up top and hits the Frog Splash for 3.
Winners: Los Guerreros

After the match, Los Guerreros back up the ramp while Eddie looks mad in the ring. Fade to black.

Well, that is your Smackdown Report my friends. Feedback to thecruzanhurricane@hotmail.com. Until next week, this is the KOBB signing out.

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