WWE Smackdown!
January 29, 2003
Report by: xpacnumber1fan, rajah.com reporter

King. Of. Bling. Bling. You know who it is with the Smacknizzle Reporshizzle. This is xpacnumber1fan here and after the worst intro ever to a wrestling report, let's get cracking.

Intro. Pyro. Cazz. We are welcomed to Washington, D.C. Smackdown! General Manager Paul Heyman is already in the ring. I don't know if anyone that watched the show noticed, but there was a VERY bad dub over. Cole was saying "And in the center of the ring...". And then what sounds like a completely different voice says "...to kick us off...", which then goes back to Cole finishing "General Manager Paul Heyman." Meh. Anyway, as says welcome, Vince McMahon's music hits. He says that Benoit jumped through a legal loophole that said that the winner of the Royal Rumble would get a shot at the World Title. Because of Paul Heyman making Benoit's life miserable, Benoit chose to challenge HHH on Raw. He says that Heyman owes the Smackdown! audience an apology. Heyman says screw Benoit. Then in typical Heyman fashion (using a lot of words [kissing up to McMahon in the progress]), he says that the opportunity will go to someone else to be on top. Tonight, there will be a Royal Rumble for the first time on network TV. The fifteen Smackdown! participants from RR will compete in another RR on Smackdown, the winner receiving a title shot against Brock Lesnar at No Way Out. And to show Vince that he is fair and is all business, since Matt Morgan is on the injured list, he is going to give the spot to somebody he doesn't like, Hardcore Holly. And Benoit's spot will go to Eddie Guerrero (big pop). Vince is reluctant. But after some selling by Heyman, McMahon goes for it and leaves the ring. Commercial.

Come back to Shaniqua and the Basham Brothers to absolutely NO HEAT. They didn't even get any piped in heat. Damn. Their opponents? A team I know that I (and a LOT of internet smarks are gonna love), Billy Kidman and Paul London to piped in cheers. This is a title match. And this should be a damn good match.

The Basham Brothers (w/ Shaniqua) vs. Billy Kidman/Paul London
Kidman and Doug start out. Knee to the midsection and irish whip to Kidman. Kidman comes back with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Tag to London. Kidman whips Doug to the ropes, lays down, and Doug runs right into a leg lariat by London. London goes for the cover but Danny runs in. London catches him with the Drop-Sault that sends him out and goes for the cover again on Doug. 1 count. London with a headlock. Doug pushes him into the ropes and ducks down for a backbody drop but London hits him with a kick. As London backs up into the ropes, Danny stands on the middle rope and pulls up the top. London goes flying backwards to the floor. Pretty damn cool spot. Anyway, Doug and Danny switch. London in on 7. Danny with a spinning back suplex. Tag to Doug. London tries to fight back but Doug clubs him in the back. That submission move where your opponent is sitting, you put your knee on the guys back, grabs his two arms and pull back on em, that's the move that is being given to London right now. London tries to fight out but Doug stops him and tags Danny. Danny applies the same move. London stands up and gets out of the move by frontflipping and dropkicking Danny in the ribs. Danny tags to Doug, who charges at London who is in the corner but London moves hot tags Kidman. Kidman goes up top and comes down with a crossbody block. Kidman is ON FIRE! Kidman goes for his tornado bulldog but Danny gets in the way. Kidman just grabs Danny's head with his feet and takes down both Bashams with a bulldog/headscissor combination. Sick sounding enziguiri to Doug. 2 count. Danny tries to break up but receives a dropkick for his troubles. BK Bomb. Kidman then grabs Doug and pulls him to the corner. Kidman goes up top, presumably for the Shooting Star, but Danny crotches him whilst Shaniqua distracts the ref. The switch happens again and Danny plants Kidman with DDT when Kidman was still on the top rope for the 3 count. No one takes a top rope DDT better than Kidman. That was a huge waste of match though. Very disappointing.
Winners: The Basham Brothers

In the back, we see Angle in Heyman's office. Dawn is spinning one of those gold lottery thingies where you stick your hand in and pull out a ball. Dawn tells Angle to pick a ball and he wants to know if he has to do that. Heyman says that since this is the first RR on network television everything has to be legitimate and everyone has to pick their own number. Angle talks about how tonight is his night, etc. He dedicates RR to the troops. He then opens the ball and pulls out a number. He looks at it, says he has to go and jets out. We see the graphic for the Smackie Royal and the participants will be:

Nunzio
Rhyno
Billy Gunn
Rikishi
Hardcore Holly
A-Train
Bradshaw
Big Show
Eddie Guerrero
Tajiri
Kurt Angle
John Cena
The Cat
Charlie Haas
Shelton Benjamin

Commercial. Vignette shows that Rey Mysterio's music video for "Crossing Borders" will premiere next week. It's also the theme for No Way Out. In the back, we see Chavo getting his face bandaged. He is all bruised up. Chavo Sr. says what Eddie did was a disgrace. Jr. says that the bruises and cuts will heal, but the emotional scars will be there forever. He says that he will get his revenge and then everyone will know that the biggest star in the Guerrero family is Chavo Guerrero. Go back to Dawn spinning and yelling next. Eddie walks in and hits on Dawn. He asks Dawn to blow on his ball (this night will be FULL of innuendos, trust me). Eddie is happy with his number. Rey Mysterio walks in and hugs Eddie. He says he has some company and Jorge Payas (sp?, some boxing champion) walks in. Rey gets pumped up for his return match against Noble next and leaves. Eddie and Jorge then start hitting on Dawn. Commercial.

Come back to footage of Cena blowing out his knee at Royal Rumble after being thrown out by Big Show. In the back, Dawn is spinning when Cena walks up behind her, staring at her ass (like any red-blooded male would). Cena says that Dawn is fine enough to be lady luck so she should reach down and grab his ball (told ya). Heyman then walks in and starts ranting. He says that in his office, Dawn can't grab anybody's balls. He has to grab his own ball. He keeps on until Cena comes up with "Alright Captain Buzzkill take a seat." Sounded funnier hearing it from Cena. Cena likes his number. Heyman calls next and Rhyno comes in, who gets face to face with Cena. Rhyno says it's unfortunate what happened to Cena's knee and it would be a shame if someone were to target it tonight and finished his career. Cena then takes a whiff and tells Rhyno that he stinks. He tells Heyman to get him some soap. Pretty funny line. Heyman says that wasn't funny. Then Rhyno with a funny line of his own, walks up to Dawn and tells her "Give me a number toots. Number." Just had to be seen I guess.

Anyway, Noble is in the ring. Mysterio comes out now and we have a title defense on our hands.

Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble (Cruiserweight Championship, Royal Rumble return match)
Mat basics to start. Test of strength Northern Lights variation by Noble is the first high impact move of this match. 2 count for that. Test of strength still held on. Mysterio falls back with his feet in the air so that Noble's belly is on them. Noble then stands up which propels Mysterio into the air and into hurricanrana position. Noble pushes Mysterio off backwards from the hurricanrana but Rey lands on his feet off the backflip. Noble charges but Mysterio leapfrogs. He then lies down and when Noble comes running back he reaches up with his feet and lands a headscissors. Irish whip reversal by Noble. Rey comes back into a tilt-a-whirl but Noble holds on and gives Rey a Torture Rack variation. Noble holds on for a few seconds until Rey gets out of it with an armdrag. Noble charges but Rey trips him and sets him up for a 619. Rey goes for it but Noble catches him with a back elbow. Noble hits the ropes and Nidia (who is still blind) grabs his legs nearly tripping him up. While Noble is distracted, Rey bounces off the ropes and catches a hurricanrana. Noble kicks out. Noble charges Rey with a knee to the midsection and a hard right. Backbreaker into a submission. Pin attempt. Noble with another weird submission. Rey tries to fight out. Noble goes for a pumphandle but Rey counters. Rey holds him in a back waistlock, Noble reaches down, and Mysterio grabs his hands between his own legs, flips him over, jumps over Noble and in between his legs, hooks them with own, then falls back with a bridge for a pin attempt. This gets 2. Noble then grabs Rey and rams him into the corner. Noble with a bow and arrow using the ring post. Chop. Noble sends Rey into the corner and charges but Rey ducks. Noble hits the turnbuckle hard. Both of them climb up to the top rope and Noble lands a damn nice superplex. Noble with a pin but Rey kicks out at 2. Noble whips Rey into the corner and charges but Rey puts his feet up. Bulldog from the second rope to Noble. 2 count. Noble reverses an irish whip to the ropes and ducks down for a backbody drop. Rey counters though and hits Noble with the Code Red (best described as a sunset flip powerbomb). No "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" by Cole this time though. $5 to anyone who gets what I'm talking about. Anyway, that gets a two count. Noble gets up and kicks Rey in the gut. Noble goes for the Tiger Bomb but Rey reverses into a hurricanrana. Noble lands in 619 position. Rey goes for his sit down senton but Noble ducks. Rey lands on his feet though. Rey goes into wheelbarrow position but Noble holds him into a back waistlock. Rey with a standing switch though and holds Noble in his own waistlock. They run forward into the ropes but Noble ducks and Mysterio goes flying in between the second and third ropes, flying just past Nidia. Noble goes up to the top rope but Nidia wanders in front of Rey. Noble is pissed so he gets off the turnbuckle and sends Nidia inside. He starts yelling at her in the center of the ring when Rey climbs up to the apron. Noble pushes Nidia to Rey but Nidia stops and turns around, much to the bewilderment of everyone. Noble charges but Nidia ducks and Rey hits Noble with a shoulderblock in between the ropes. Rey then catches the springboard sit down senton for the 3 count.
Winner: Rey Mysterio

After the match, Nidia takes off her blind shades and Noble starts begging. Nidia just walks up the ramp with a scornful look on her face. Cazz are all emotional. They then send it now to Rue DeBona who is in the Smackdown! Studios supposedly for an update. She is sitting down on a stool and she says that there is a rumor that Playboy want a tot woman's tag team on the cover. She then yaps about the history of WWE women in Playboy. She then says that all WWE fans hope that the rumor is true. That was a complete waste of time. If anyone can give me 5 good reasons why that time couldn't have been added to the tag match, I'll give em a lollipop. Commercial.

Come back to Big Show trying to get a number but his hand can't fit in the hole. Heyman says that he is gonna break it so he will make an exception. He tells Dawn to pick Big Show's ball (didn't believe me?). This gets a giggle out of Show. As Show opens up his ball and looks at his number Dawn grabs Show's hand and starts admiring it's size. Show says that chicks dig it big baby. Dawn says that they do definitely dig it big. Show tells Heyman that he will win the Rumble tonight. In the back, we see WWE Champion Brock Lesnar standing with Josh Matthews for an interview. Josh says that he wants to address the issue that has recently erupted between him and Goldberg. We see a clip of Goldberg on Raw saying that Lesnar is next. Josh then asks if Lesnar is afraid of Goldberg. Lesnar says he isn't afraid on anyone so he is issuing an open challenge to anyone in the world. Non-title of course. Of course he used a lot more words than this but that was the gist of it. Commercial break.

Come back to TWGTT in the back with Dawn. Dawn tells them to pick their balls. Shelton looks at the thingie, then at Dawn, then at the thingie, then at Dawn and says "Don't mind if I do". He then goes to grab Dawn's boobies until Charlie grabs his hand, points down and says "Those balls." Shelton is pretty disappointed. TE #1's Jessie (she is working in the back with the WWE) runs up to Heyman and says that something happened to Eddie Guerrero. They run to the bathroom where Eddie is surrounded by EMT's and Rey Mysterio. The EMT's say that Eddie is unconscious. The Chavo's walk in wanting to know what happened. Rey stands up and stares at both of them hard. Chavo says that they had nothing to do with it. Rey then attacks both of the Chavo's until he is held back by the Fit Finlay. The EMT's say that they have to get Eddie to a hospital. Commercial.

Come back to seeing Eddie getting loaded into the ambulance during the break. Lesnar's entrance. Lesnar waits in the ring for his opponent. OH MY GOD!!!!!! That famous music hits. IT'S ORLANDO JORDAN!

Orlando Jordan vs. Brock Lesnar Basically all you need to know about this match, is that Lesnar dominated for the most part. Orlando got a few good hits in and some of the ugliest dropkicks I've seen. In the end, Lesnar takes it with the Brock Lock. Winner: Brock Lesnar

Now we see footage from earlier in the day where Rey, Dawn, Shaniqua, and Matt Morgan were visiting a soldier's hospital. Commercial.

Come back to Cazz talking about Undertaker happenings. They show us footage of Royal Rumble wheer Taker's music hit and Kane was thrown over by Booker. Then on Raw when Kane was in the ring and some weird video hit. Josh Matthews then stands by with Vince McMahon. He asks Vince if all of the stuff that has happened to Kane means that the Undertaker is coming back. Vince says that he is not John Edwards and this is not Crossing Over. He doesn't speak to the dead. The last time he saw Undertaker he was dead, buried by him. He says that a legitimate question should be who is gonna win the Rumble tonight. So Josh asks that. Vince says that now he isn't gonna answer. He should have asked him that first. He says that Josh will be ok though because he has a nice smile. He then puts his arm around him and smiles as well. he says that Josh will be alright. Cut to Heyman's room where Angle goes to Heyman and is all pissed off about what happened to Eddie. Eddie is unconscious and he will lose his opportunity. Heyman says that he called the hospital and Eddie has regained consciousness. He says that he knows that he is just going to give Eddie's spot to Chavo. Heyman says that he is not going to give Eddie's spot to anybody. Eddie's music is going to play and if he comes out, well he has his opportunity. if he doesn't, well that's just one less person for Angle. He then says that Angle shouldn't even worry about Eddie, just focus on the Rumble. Because that's next. Commercial.

We now get ready for the Royal Rumble on Smackdown!. 90 seconds between entries. The number 1 entry, Kurt Angle comes out. Next one to come out? Commercial. When we come back, we see number 2 is Rhyno. Rhyno and Angle exchange lefts and rights. Rhyno sends Angle into the corner and then catches a Gore. Rhyno tries to lift up Angle but Angle is dead weight. So Rhyno just starts stomping him. Angle is finally up and Rhyno tries to throw him out. Angle reverses though and hits an Angle Slam. As both wrestlers are down, Charlie Haas comes out and goes straight to Angle. He then stomps on Rhyno who is still down. Dropkick to Angle. haas pulls down his straps a la Angle and stalks him but Rhyno attacks Haas from the back. He tries to throw him over but Haas holds on. Angle then attacks Rhyno from the back and beats down both wrestlers. Haas takes over now and Haas nearly takes out Angle but he lands on the apron. Shelton Benjamin is number 4. Angle attacks Shelton but receives a T-Bone for his effort. The double team move by TWGTT, the leapfrog one to Rhyno. German Suplex to Haas. German Suplex to Shelton. Snap suplex to Benjamin by Haas. Haas with a powerslam to Angle. Rhyno and Shelton fight in the corner and Haas and Angle in the other. Bradshaw is entry number 5. Clothesline from Hell to Haas. CFH to Rhyno. Big Boot to Shelton. Commercial. Number 7 is Tajiri. Apparently Cat was 6 and was eliminated. Lamont was comforting Cat in the aisle and Tajiri hits the Kick of Death to Lamont. In the replay we see that Cat was on fire but started dancing and Angle eliminated him from the back. Billy Gunn is number 8. Fame-Asser to Bradshaw. Gunn tries to eliminate Shelton but Shelton holds on then. He then tries to send Haas but he holds on as well. Spinebuster to Tajiri. Handspring elbow ro Haas. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HIT! Ankle lock to Shelton. Well, it's the Big Show at number 9. Everyone in the ring stops and stares as he comes in. All of them line up in the ring waiting for Show. As Show enters everyone attacks him. Show them pushes all of em off. He now goes crazy on everyone. Tajiri tries to kick Show but Show holds his leg and chokeslams him over the top. All of them try to attack Show again but he pushes em off again. Bradshaw hits Show with a gig boot but as Bradshaw charges Show sends him over the top. The Doctor of Thuganomics is next. He has an injured left knee and is limping badly. Show waits for Cena. Cena comes in and they are face to face. Cena tries to clothesline Show over but Show hangs on. Commercial. A-Train is now in. During the commercial, Cena eliminated Nunzio (who entered during the break as well) and injured his left knee. He is now down and Show tries to attack him. Number 13 is Eddie Guerrero. His music hits and no one comes out. but then, Eddie comes out. He takes out A-train. In the ring, Show, Gunn, Angle, TWGTT, Guerrero, and Cena. Rikishi is next. Show is still beating down Cena. Rikishi with a Savat Kick to Gunn that send shim over the top but he holds on. Stink Face to Show. Stink Face to Shelton. Stink Face to Gunn. Haas goes to clean off his partner's face. Hardcore Holly is the final entry. Chokeslam to Kish. Holly goes after Gunn in the corner. Holly tries to send Angle over the top. Cena tries to go for the F.U. but fails miserably. Show eliminates Cena. Show in eliminating Cena has one foot over the top rope so all the superstarts take out Show, including Cena. Cena grabs him as they are taking him over the top rope and pulls him down. Kish, TWGTT, Angle, Cena, Gunn, and Guerrero left. Fighting going on. Angle trying to take out Gunn in the corner. Holly with Shelton. Eddie chants. Eddie screws up a hurricanrana to Haas over the top. He sends him over though. Angle takes out Shelton. Angle Slam to Kish. Frog Splash to Kish. Angle takes out Holly who was trying to eliminate Gunn. Holly is extremely upset and is cursing out Angle from the outside. Guerrero sends Gunn over the top rope with a body scissors. Kish, Angle, and Eddie left. Eddie chants. Angle and Eddie team up to try and take out Kish but Kish beats both of them up. Savat Kick to Angle. One handed choke bomb to Guerrero. Kish goes for the Rump Shaker but Angle moved out of the way. Eddie tries to send Kish over but an elbow stops that. Angle now tries to continuw but another elbow takes him out. Angle and Eddie then take out Kish though. Down to one and one. Eddie and Angle. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Angle with a go behind take down to Eddie. Eddie elbows Angle in the face though and that pisses him off. He charges but Eddie tries to send him over the rope. Angle barely hangs on. Eddie with some rights. Double Germans to Eddie. He goes for a third but Eddie reverses. Angle sends him over with a backbody drop though but Eddie holds on. Angle goes to kick Eddie but Eddie grabs his leg and hits an Angle Lock. In the ring Angle reverses though and does his own. Angle with a wheelbarrow that drapes Eddie over the top rope. Does the Ankle Lock. Eddie then uses his leg to try and sne dout Angle but Angle holds on. Eddie just BARELY misses hitting the bottom. Eddie with the triple suplexes. He goes up top for the Frog Splash but Angle goes up for the Belly-to-Belly. They both hold on up there though. They both get knocked down over the top rope at the same time. They get back inside. Inside, Eddie whips and Angle and hits a back elbow. Angle applies a sleeper hold now. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Eddie is nearly knocked out. Eddie starts fighting out of the hold though. Elbows to the midsection and Eddie sends Angle over the top rope. Angle holds on though. On the apron, Eddie punches Angle and Angle is teetering. As Eddie comes back for a punch though Eddie with a shoulderblock to the midsection. Angle goes to suplex Eddie and in a show of damn good balance, Eddie is straight up in the air. Eddie reverses though and Angle is now straight up in the air. Eddie then runs forward and throws Eddie out, thankfully not neck first. Eddie Guerrero has won a title shot at No Mercy.
Winner: Eddie Guerrero

Angle is pissed on the outside, kicking the steel steps. Guerrero celebrates on the inside. He kneels down in the center of the ring and thanks God. Fade to black.

Thank you everyone for reading my report. Feedback at thecruzanhurricane@hotmail.com. Til next week, this is the KOBB signing out.

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