Submitted by Rajah on July 12, 2003 at 03:41:04

The show starts off with a recap of the Zach/Vince/Steph’s cleavage encounter from last week. Zach really did a nice job on the stick, in my humble opinion. Of course the whole thing culminates in the creation of tonight’s main event – and I’m not making this up – The Big Show in a handicap match against Zach Gowen and Big Steph. If Zach wins the match, Zach wins a wrestling contract. Be still my beating heart.

After the recap we go “live” to Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He says that tonight, he will finally seal the fate of Mr. America. He also hypes up the main even, referring to Zach as “The One Legged” Zach Gowen.

Who’s that jumpin’ out the sky??? R-E-Y! The cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio comes out dressed in white, and he goes to each co… hey, it’s Billy Kidman! Rey’s challenger Nunzio comes out with his buddies Chuck and Johnny, but before the bell rings the ref sends Smoky and the Bull back to the locker room, leaving the littlest Italian to fend for himself.

Match #1: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Nunzio for the Cruiserweight Title
Nunzio starts off with an immediate takedown. The two trade off wristlocks, before Nunzio attempts a snapmare that Rey Rey somersaults out of. Mysterio hits a shoulder block off of the rope, and then comes over the top of Nunzio and slides down for the 2 count. Nunzio Irish whips Rey into the corner, but runs into Mysterio’s boot before Rey connects with huracanrana. Nunzio is knocked to the outside where Rey lands an somersault plancha onto the steel ramp. Rey throws Nunzio back in the ring, and the two climb to the top rope to brawl. Rey throws Nunzio onto the mat and set up for another huracanrana of the rope, but Nunzio reverses that into a powerbomb and gets a near fall. Nunzio lands a couple of rights, and then nails a faceplant for a 2 count. Nunzio settles in with a chicken wing on Rey, and then tries for a suplex. Mysterio somersaults out of the suplex and scores a reverse rollup for a 2 count. Nunzio hits a sidewalk slam for a 2 count, and then settles into a rear naked chinlock. Mysterio fights out with elbows, but Nunzio hits a backbreaker into a submission hold. Nunzio goes for another backbreaker, but Mysterio counters it with a leg scissors. The two run the ropes and Mysterio hits a DDT. Both men are down and struggling to get up. Nunzio misses a clothesline, and Mysterio hits a couple of punches followed by a faceplant followed by a baseball slide. Rey charges Nunzio in the corner, but Nunzio back body drops him onto the apron. Rey hops up to the top rope and jumps onto Nunzio, followed by a standing moonsault for the 2 count. Mysterio whips Nunzio into the corner, but runs into the Italian’s knee. Nunzio hits an elbow drop for a 2 count. Mysterio lands a few punches and than hurricanranas Nunzio over the top rope. Mysterio throws Nunzio back into the ring, but Stamboli and Palumbo sneak out when the ref isn’t look and rough over Mysterio. Nunzio yanks Rey back into the ring, but only manages a 2 count. The APA come out from the back and attack Smoky and the Bull back up the ramp into the locker room. Back in the ring, Mysterio hits the 619 followed by a leg drop off the top rope for the 1-2-3.
Result: Mysterio d. Nunzio via pinfall to retain the Cruiserweight Belt

After the match, our newly coifed Billy Kidman comes in the ring and raises Rey Rey’s hand. I smell a heel turn from Mr. Torrie Wilson coming veeeerrrry soon!

[commercial]

Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle are hanging out backstage. A girl walks by and says “Hi”, and the two argue over who the girl was talking to. Kurt is drinking milk straight out of a plastic container. Brock is eating Club crackers. I’m not eating anything. Brock leaves and Kurt walks up to the girl and tells her that he’s the champ. He takes a swig of milk, but Lesnar pats him on the back and causes him to spit the milk on to the unsuspecting girl. Ar Ar. Earth humor.

Back in the ring, The Basham Brothers and a leather-clad Shaniqua (w/whip) stand ready to be defeated by whoever is next to come out from behind the curtains. To kill time, Shaniqua whips the brothers. Rhyno’s music hits and the human square comes to the ring. His on-again off-again significant other, Chris Benoit, then makes his way out and we’ve got our second match of the night.

Match #2: Rhyno/Chris Benoit vs. The Basham Brothers (w/Shaniqua)
The Bashams jump Rhyno and Benoit the minute they step into the ring and land a flurry of punches. The beat down continues and Danny B. knocks Benoit out of the ring. Doug continues the onslaught on Rhyno until Rhyno comes back with some knife-edge chops and a shoulder block into the corner. Basham hits a knee to the midsection and tags in the other Basham, who immediately goes to work on Rhyno. Rhyno reverses a whip attempt into a clothesline. Basham goes for a kick, which Rhyno blocks. Basham then hits an Enziguri and a back elbow. Danny B. locks in an illegal choke hold, and then drives Rhyno’s head into the turnbuckle before tagging Doug Basham back in. Dougie hits a nifty elbow off of the second rope for a 2 count. Basham delivers a few crossface forearms to Rhyno and scores another near fall. The Basham’s switch, and Danny hits an elbow to Rhyno’s head for another 2 count. Basham locks in a headlock, and then follows that up with some knees to the midsection and a couple of forearm clubs. Danny goes for another straight right, but Rhyno counters that with a suplex. The Basham switch again – leaving my completely confused as to which one is one – and Benoit gets the hot tag. Benoit baseball slides Doug Basham, then hits a cross block on Danny, then goes back and hits a kick to the midsection and a snap suplex on Doug. Benoit goes for the rolling Germans, but Danny comes in and breaks it up. Rhyno runs in to assist The Crippler, and all four men brawl in the ring. Benoit locks Basham #1 into the Crossface, but Basham #2 breaks it up with a boot to the head. Rhyno doesn’t like this, and tosses Basham #2 out of the ring. Benoit hits Danny Basham with a release German suplex, and then goes up top for the Flying Head Butt. He goes for the cover, but the other Basham breaks it up. Hey – you keep track of who’s who… Rhyno sets David Basham up for the Gore, but Derek trips him up from outside the ring. Benoit is in the ring taunting Darwin Basham, when Dinky Basham runs in and clobbers him in the back of the head. Darius and Devon go for the double team move on The Crippler, when out of nowhere Rhyno hits a wicked Gore which knocks Drake to the canvas. In the meantime, Benoit hooks Dudley up into the Crossface and scores the submission when Darcy taps out. A black man in a leather bikini is on the apron yelling at Dorothy and Diedre.
Result: Rhyno/Chris Benoit d. Dharma and Dedushka Basham via submission

After the match, Shaniqua beckons for Benoit to come to her, but The Crippler think better of it and retreats back up the ramp.

Meanwhile, in the back, VKM – in a very good mood – is playing drums on his desk with a pair of number 2 pencils. A pair of breasts enter the screen, and it turns out that they belong to Stephanie. Steph tries to get out of her match with the Big Show, but VinnieMac will have nothing of it. Vince does say that he’s asked Big Show to take it a little easy on Big Steph, because he’s got some business deals on the horizon and he may need her to close them up for him.

[commercial]

Back in Steph’s office, Sable says that if Steph gets hurt she could take over the GM spot. Sable walks away, and Stephanie looks as though she’s eaten some bad Chinese food or something.

In the parking, the newly rich Jamie Noble steps out of a limo with his girl Nidia. Noble shows off his new Terminator shades that he bought with his new fortune, and Nidia shows off a new genuine artificial mock mink coat. Noble slips the limo driver a 1 dollar bill as a tip, but then goes back and retrieves it out of the driver’s pocket after a few seconds.

Orlando Jordan is shown backstage getting ready for a match, when the Undertaker comes in an offers the rookie a few pointers. Taker tells Jordan that he’s got to pay dues in WWE, and that getting beat night in and night out is part of paying those dues. However, allowing Cena to beat him down like he did last week is not acceptable. Taker says that Jordan has to challenge John Cena to regain his respect, and the respect off all the guys in the locker room, even Shaniqua.

Cena comes walking in dressed in full Laker gear. Cena tells Orlando not to let “this white boy” tell him what to do, and he suggests that since he’s a veteran now that the Undertaker take some of his advice. Cena tells Taker to watch whose business he sticks his nose in. Cue Billy Gunn’s music. Cue Torrie Wilson. Cue my TiVo’s pause button. Cue e-mail feedback telling me out immature I am for enjoying attractive women in scant clothing. Cue…

[commercial]

John Cazena is in the hizouse!!! John cuts a great freestyle ripping on Undertaker, and insinuates that perhaps Billy isn’t over his old boyfriend Chuck. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ring da bell, yo.

Match #3: Billy Gun (w/ Torrie) vs. John Cena
Gunn wastes no time throwing Cena into the ropes and delivering a solid back elbow. Gunn lands a florry of rights and throws Cena into the corner where he lands some kicks. Gunn hits Cena with another right, before coming out of the corner with a clothesline for two near falls. Gunn picks Cena off the mat, and continues the offense. Cena slides outside the ring to regroup, while the crowd chants “Let’s go, Cena”. Guess WWE post-production had the day off… Billy follows Ice Cappuccino outside the ring and throws his head into the padded guard rail. Billy goes to whip Cena into the steel post, but Cena reverses it by slinging Gunn towards the Auqila System located in the far edge of the Milky Way. Fortunately, Mr. Ass realizes that he was supposed to be thrown into the ringpost, and makes an immediate course correction in mid-journey, making it look like he was just out for a leisurely stroll around the ring when suddenly he had an uncontrollable urge to slam his head into the steel post. Billy fall down and go boom. Cena crawls back into the ring and delivers several kicks to Gunn. Cena hits a vertical suplex into a 2 count, and then locks in a rear headlock. The crowd continues to chant John’s name, as Billy fights out of the headlock with some stiff elbows. Cena throws Gunn back to the mat, and delivers several more kicks followed by a 2 count. Cena talks some smack and throws several hard rights to Gunn’s face. Cena then nails a kick and covers for another 2 count. Tazz says something about Nidia having nice beaver – an obvious reference to her fur coat. Oh… the fun we have! Billy fights back with some punches, but Cena grabs Gunn off the ropes and delivers a sidewalk slam for another near fall. Cena locks in a rear chinlock allowing the two men to catch a breather. Billy fights out with several elbows, and hits Cena coming off of the ropes with a scoop powerslam which leaves both men struggling to get up. Cena gets up and goes for a clothesline, but Gunn ducks and delivers a clothesline of his own followed by a hard right and a move that looked like an inverted neckbreaker. Billy gets a 2 count before Cena kicks out. Gunn charges Cena in the corner, but Cena ducks out of the way and Billy lands face first into the ring post. Cena hits a dazed Gunn with a move called the “Throwback” (sort of a rolling bulldog) for a 2 count. Cena starts to get frustrated with all these near falls, and goes outside the ring to get his chain necklace when all of a sudden… Dead Man Walking… Taker comes rolling out on his Harley, and Cena sits staring stunned at Big Evil as he rides down the ramp. Cena jaws at Taker, and the ref notices the steel chain and takes it from Cena. Cena briefly protests and goes over to set Gunn up for a suplex, only to have Gunn block it. Gunn then rolls up Cena into a small package and scores the 1-2-3.
Result: Gunn d. Cena to advance in the U.S. Championship Tournament

Brock Lesnar is in the back laughing at Kurt about his milk incident. Kurt and Brock’s goodnaturedness begins to turn to a heated exchange, and Kurt notes that everything has to be a competition with Brock. Kurt then challenges Brock to a push-up contest – first one to 300 pushups wins. Kurt tells Brock he can go first, and Brock starts knocking out those push-ups as we fade to…

[commercial]

Backstage Brock is struggling with all his might to get to 300 push ups. Kurt is yelling at him as he approaches 300, and the Next Big Thing finally pushes out 300 plus one for good luck. Brock writhes around in pain, and tells Kurt it’s now his turn. Kurt says never mind, Brock wins and he leaves the locker room giggling with the satisfaction that he’d just performed impeccably in yet another classic Smackdown comedy sketch. I’d imagine he’s wondering if this is how Olivier felt…

Back out in the ring, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas come down the ramp to their new, oh-so-generic entrance music (hey, listen… a distorted guitar!). At least they could’ve given them some new velour sweatsuits. Following Team Suck Squad, Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri come down in a lowrider Chevy Blazer. They do the hydraulics bit, and make their way to the ring. Ring the bell, monkey.

Match #4: Eddie Guerrero/Tajiri (c) vs. Benjamin/Hass for the Tag Team Belts
Tajiri and Haas lock up in the middle of the ring. Haas puts in a submission hold, but Tajiri kicks out of it. Haas telegraphs the back body drop, and Tajiri delivers a stiff kick to the midsection of the former All-American. Tajiri bulldogs Haas into a headlock. Haas battles back up and reverses the headlock into a wristlock of his own. Tajiri bridges out of the wristlock and counters with an armdrag followed by a drop toe hold. Tajiri locks in an armbar and drags Haas over to his corner where he tags in Guerrero. Eddie delivers several punches in the middle of the ring, but Haas counters with a shoulder knockdown and drags Guerrero into his corner to tag Benjamin in. Benjamin runs right into an Eddie armdrag followed up by an armbar. Guerrero twists Benjamin around into a wristlock and lands several punches and elbows to Shelton’s midsection. Shelton fights back to his feet and then does a springboard moonsault (!) which reverses the wristlock. Pretty cool! Eddie somersaults out of the wristlock and reverses it back into a wristlock of his own (armbars… wristlocks… what is this a Ken Shamrock match?). Guerrero hits a drop kick, followed by a scoop powerslam on Haas who comes running out to interfere. Eddie then walks the tightrope and lands a combination armbar/head scissors which takes out both of the challengers. Benjamin recovers and hits Guerrero with a hard power slam before tagging in Haas. Haas hits a backbreaker on Latino Heat and lands a flurry of rights. Haas then delivers a smap suplex into a cover for a 2 count. Charlie assaults Eddie in the corner, but Eddie elbows Charlie in the jaw and follows up with a belly to belly suplex. Tajiri tags in and connects with a spinning heel kick on Haas followed by a martial arts kick to Benjamin. Charlie goes to attack Tajiri in the corner, but Tajiri leapfrogs over Haas and reverse bulldogs the Seton Hall graduate to the canvas for a near fall. Haas goes for a belly to back suplex, but Tajiri lands on his feet and gets set to deliver a kick when Haas grabs him and sets up for the powerbomb. Tajiri counters with an attempted hurricanrana, but Benjamin grabs Haas’ ankles from the outside which keeps Charie from flipping over. Nice exchange. Haas holds up Tajiri, and Benjamin comes off of the top rope with the clothesline (while the ref is busy with Eddie). Charlie covers for the pin, but Guerrero comes in for the save. Haas tags in Benjamin, and they do a double-team slam on the Japanese Buzzsaw. Benjamin covers Tajiri for a 2 count. Benjamin sits into a headlock and we go to…

[commercial]

Back to the action… Benjamin puts Tajiri into an abdominal stretch and delivers some hard elbows. Guerrero tries to cheat on the outside, and when the ref goes over to confront him Charlie Haas “no tags” himself into the match and takes over the abdominal stretch on Tajiri. Brian Hebner – mild mannered referee – noticed that Haas is not Benjamin (sharp), and forces the two to switch since L’il Heb never heard a tag being made. Haas and Benjamin argue with the ref, but finally capitulate to his wishes. Tajiri makes a spirited attempt at getting back to his corner to tag his partner, but Benjamin stops him again and applies yet another submission hold. Shelton drags Tajiri back to the corner where he tags in Haas. Haas continues the offense, landing kicks to the back of the prone Tajiri’s head. Haas throws Tajiri into the corner and covers him up for the 2 count. The crowd chants “Cheat” to Eddie, and Eddie does indeed try to come in untagged. Hebner pushes him back to his corner. Meanwhile, Haas has Tajiri in a front head lock and drags him back to his corner where he tags in Benjamin. Solid tag work from Haas and Benjamin thus far… Haas stays in long enough to hang Tajiri on the ropes so that Benji can leapfrog over Haas and deliver all his weigh to the small of TIE-jiri’s back. Benjamin goes for the cover, but Guerrero comes in a makes the save. Back in the ring, Tajiri delivers a devastating high back kick, and both men crawl back to their corners to tag in their respective partners. Latino Heat comes in like a house on fire, and clears out Team Angle with running clotheslines and dropkicks. Eddie backdrops Haas, and then delivers a vertical suplex to Shelton before Haas can come over and break things up. Haas goes for a power bomb, but Guerrero counters it and delivers three (count’ em… three) vertical suplexes. There is much rejoicing. Guerrero goes up to the top rope to finish things out with a frog splash, but Benjamin runs over to the corner and hits a nice superplex which lays out Latino Heat. Tajiri jumps back in the ring and delivers a handspring back elbow which knows Benjamin out of the ring. Tajiri then goes for the baseball slide, but Benjamin ducks out of the way and hits Tajiri with a clothesline. Inside the ring, Haas crawls over for the pin but only scores a near fall. Guerrero hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for the pin attempt, but Benjamin runs in to make the save and then tosses Latino Heat over the top rope. Benjamin whips Haas into the corner in an attempt to attack Tajiri, but the Japanese Buzzsaw rolls out of the way and delivers a high back kick to the mug Shelton’s face. Haas recovers, but winds up in the Tarantura. Guerrero goes up to attempt a frog splash, but Benjamin gets out of the way and Eddie lands face first on the ring floor. Haas escapes the Taratunla, and Benjamin superkicks Tajiri on to the hood of the Chevy Blazer. Oh-oh… Eddie hits a drop toe hold on Benjamin into the turnbuckle, but then turns around and acts upset that Tajiri has fallen onto the Chevy Blazer. Charlie takes advantage off Guerrero’s distraction and hits a “ballbreaker”, which Benjamin follows up with a superkick. Haas then rolls over into a bridge and scores the 1-2-3 on Guerrero. We have new tag team champs! Cue the generic entrance music! Excellent match, by the way…
Result: Haas and Benjamin d. Guerrero and Tajiri via pinfall to capture the Tag Team Titles.

In the back we see Zach Gowen warming up for his match against the Big Show. Show comes up and steps on Zach’s good leg. Show then delivers a standard issue bad guy laugh… you know, like MUAHAHAHAHA!

[commercial]

Guerrero is still looking upset about Tajiri’s well-being, and goes over to check on his buddy. Oh wait… he’s worried about the car! What a swerve! I never saw that coming!

We get a Mr. America career recap promo, which allows me to make quick use of Tivo’s fast forward feature…

Back in the ring, Eddie decides that he’d feel much better about his truck if he beat the hell out of Tajiri and then backdropped him through the windshield. There… he looks happier already. TIE-jiri don’t look so hot, though… ouch.

[commercial]

Apparently they’re not able to write enough for a full 2 hour show tonight, so we’re treated with more “moments ago” coverage of Eddie beating up Tajiri. The Buzzsaw gets the stretcher treatment, and we go back to the ring where Orlando Jordan is waiting to get beat by…

The A-Train! The A-Train! My God! It’s the A-Train! Do you know what this means?!?! The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! Do you believe in miracles??? YES!!!

Match #5: A-Train vs. Orlando Jordan
A-train starts out with several big power moves, but Jordan comes back with a nice drop kick. Jordan attempts a drop toe hold, but A-Train ain’t goin’ nowhere and delivers a few rights to the head of the rookie. A-Train delivers a wicked shoulder block, and then picks up Jordan for an old-school bodyslam. A-Train hits a splash off the ropes and gets a 2 count. A-Train hits a decapitator on Jordan, and then continues the assault on the rookie in the corner. Albert does more big man moves, totally dominating Jordan. The Albert formerly known as Prince locks Jordan into an inverted full nelson submission move, and the entire audience thinks about ham. Jordan counters out of the submission hold and rolls up A-Train quickly for a 2 count. A-Train recovers but misses a bicycle kick, allowing Jordan to deliver several kicks to the Albert’s exposed hamstrings. Jordan delivers a few jabs and then hits an Enziguri and a flying forearm for a 2 count. A-Train throws Jordan into the corner, and then nails the Badlo Bo… erm. the Derailer for the 1-2-near fall. A-Train runs into Jordan’s boot, and then runs into the turnbuckle. Jordan climbs the ropes, but misses a flying cross body. A-Train hits the Train Wreck and scores the pinfall.
Result: A-Train d. Orlando Jordan via pinfall.

Backstage, Big Show confronts Big Steph (complete in wrestling attire) and cuts a monster heel promo on the Billion Dollar Princess. Steph runs away, and Vince comes up and mentions to Show that he’s about to make an announcement about Mr. America.

[commercial]

OK. Vince shows that Mr. America revealed himself to be Hulk Hogan when he removed his mask at Madison Square Garden. Therefore, Hulk Hogan is fired. Do I really need to say anymore about this… it’s getting late. Oh, and Sable forgot to wear pants I think. Not that I’d ever notice that type of thing – after all, I’m a “wrestling purist”! Vince then announces that tonight is going to be not only a handicap match, but a No DQ, no holds barred match. He also goes on to announce that at Vengeance there will be a triple-threat match for the WWE Title between Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and Garrison Cade. Erm, I mean Big Show. Vince and Sable – who I really wish would cover up and wrestle – leave the ring and get ready for our main event.

[commercial] Weeeee-eee-lllllll… well it’s a Beer Break! Former women’s champ Andre the Giant is next out of the ramp, followed by America’s new sweetheart Zach Gowen. God help us, and ring the bell. Hey… have you seen Billy Kidman lately?

Match #6: Zach Gowen/Stephanie McMahon vs. Big Show No DQ
Gowen comes in and tries to deliver a forearm to the Big Show, but Show no-sells it and slams Gowen to the canvas. Zach valianty tries to engage the Big Show again, but Show delivers a few Flair chops (wooooo!) to the exposed chest of the newcomer. Zach falls out of the ring, and Show throws Steph to the canvas. Show steps outside the ring to flag down the Twinkie vendor, but Stephanie jumps on his back and locks in a choke hold. The Show reverses out of it with a snapmare which sends all three of Stephanie hard to the mat. I like covering Big Show matches, I don’t have to type so fast… Big Show goes under the ring to grab what he thinks is the Twinkie guy, but instead comes up with – a pocket fisherman??? Just kidding – that would be silly and unbelievable. Big Show actually comes up with a detached prosthetic leg. While Show continues to search for the Twinkie guy – at this point even one of the disgusting coconut strawberry thingies will do – American Hero Zach Gowen hopes across the ring and lands a drop kick to Big Show’s head. Gowen then attempts to come over the top, but Big Show just catches him and throws him back into the ring. Steph goes to attack Show, but Big Show military presses her and tosses her into the ring as well. Zach bravely makes another attempt at attacking the 500 pound monster, but Show hits him with a head butt knocking him out of the ring. Show picks up Steph, and parades her around as if he’s about to send HER out to get the Twinkies, but Vince comes in the ring and… tells Show to go ahead and send her – and tell her to pick up some power bars too. Just when Vince is in mid-gloat, Everyman Zach Gowen pulls Vinnie’s feet out from underneath him, causing Mac’s jaw to hit against the ring apron. Zach then delivers a dropkick against the Big Show’s stomach, which somehow hurts Big Show. Zach then connects with a flurry of rights, but Show manages to get in a clothesline which knocks the kid off of his feet. Erm.. I mean his foo – oh never mind. Vince comes in and tells Big Show to choke slam the little fella, add Show picks up the kid and does just that. Vince grinds his shoe into the prone Gowen’s neck, but Steph comes up to dear ol’ dad and smack him across the face. Vince then backs Stephanie into a Big Show chokeslam, but her ex-boyfriend Kurt Angle comes in to make the rescue. Show goes to chokeslam Kurt, but Kurt counters with a low blow into a Ankle lock. Vince comes in an nails Angle with a steel chair, but here comes (drumroll) Lesnar who goes for an F-5 on the boss before Show interrupts the proceedings with a boot to Lesnar’s chest. Show goes over and picks up the steel chair, when out of nowhere Gowen comes and kicks the chair into Show’s head. Angle than picks up the dazed Show and delivers an Angle Slam. Lesnar than grabs the stunned Show and F-5’s him. Iron Mike Sharp then runs in and delivers the Forearm from Triage finisher, and the Iron Shiek follows up with a camel clutch. Ron Popeil then finishes off by spraying Show with some hair-in-a-can. After all this craziness, Gowen hits a drop kick on VinnieMac, and then – and you really need to see this – nails a springboard moonsault onto Big Show for the 1-2-3. Zach now has a contract!
Result: Zach Gowen and Steph McMahon d. Big Show via pinfall

[END SHOW]

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