GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
Has it all been a nightmare? Has it been a figment of my overactive imagination? A hallucination brought on by an improper mixture of medications? A loss of sanity from a lifetime of professional wrestling obsession? No. It was, and is, not. It's all too real.
I speak of the last four months and my relationship with Smackdown, WWE's current inferior brand. I speak of a television program that has digusted me, captured my attention, stirred controversy, and forced me to do many acts I thought I would never do. I speak of strange events surrounding this show post-Wrestlemania and how they have created even stranger events personally in my life as a wrestling fan. I'm talking about both the state of Smackdown and the state of my rollercoaster feelings on the show over the Spring and now early Summer. I need to write about it. I need to get it all out in the open. Maybe then it will make more sense to me. Maybe then it will seem.....real.
3/22 : RAW DRAFT LOTTERY
It was the evening of March 22nd. Wrestlemania XX was in the history books and WWE was quickly improving on the lackluster year of 2003. Chris Benoit had finally become World Heavyweight Champion on Raw. Eddie Guerrero was WWE Champion on Smackdown. Shawn Michaels was wrestling full-time again. Chris Jericho and Christian were putting the finishing touches on a great feud. Even Triple H, who I had largely bashed the year previous, was proving his detractors wrong with a series of good matches. It seemed as if WWE was correcting nearly all its mistakes. In early 2004, with rare exception, it could do no wrong.
Then came the Draft Lottery on the day in question. To shake up the rosters of WWE's two brands and to keep their programs exciting and fresh, a handful of wrestlers from Raw and Smackdown were about to jump ship to their opposite brands. The internet wrestling community was buzzing with speculation. I, a very minor part of it, was interested as well. As the show began, like a good internet "journalist," I had a pad of paper ready to take notes on the revised brands' rosters. Of all who were chosen to be moved, the most shocking was Triple H. The former Raw Champion heading to Smackdown, splitting up the increasingly powerful stable of Evolution? How strange.
Hours later, I learned that Triple H wasn't going anywhere. He was "traded" back to Raw and his inclusion in the Draft Lottery was only really for shock value to make it seem more important. About a week later, I wrote a column about the post-Draft futures of Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin called Diamonds. After looking over the rosters, I (and any wrestling fan with eyes) noticed something startling. Smackdown didn't look so hot. Especially compared to its sister brand. Raw's top stars were Chris Benoit, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, Triple H, Randy Orton, Christian, and Kane. Now that's a magnificient seven. Smackdown wasn't in good shape. Its top seven were Eddie Guerrero (so far, so good), The Big Show (ouch), The Undertaker (retire, please), John Cena (pass), Booker T (good but way past prime), Rob Van Dam (good but inconsistent), and Chavo Guerrero (very good but locked in cruiserweight division). How could this be? One top-notch main eventer in Eddie Guerrero, some midcarders, and the already stale again Undertaker?
This was not good.
3/25: POST-DRAFT SMACKDOWN
Unlike most wrestling shows in which I watch quietly all by my lonesome, I decided to visit my family and sit around the television to watch the new (but definately not improved) post-draft Smackdown. I was a little nervous about what I would see, but I held hope that perhaps Smackdown would make good use of this the way Raw did. After all, they instantly pushed new acquisition Shelton Benjamin to great heights. Maybe, I thought at the time, they would do something similar with his now former tag team partner Charlie Haas. At the opening of the show, we were treated to Kurt Angle announcing Booker T as part of the new Smackdown. "Well, that's good," I told my family. "They're going to push Booker T as a main eventer again. He's way past his prime and shouldn't be WWE Champion, but he can put on a good show with Eddie Guerrero on a Pay-Per-View." Maybe I should just learn to stop jinxing it.
Earlier in the show, WWE presented us with a repackaged Bradshaw in the form of John Bradshaw Layfield. A week ago he was a beer-swilling but fun-loving redneck who liked to have barroom brawls and tag with former WCW Champion Ron "Faarooq" Simmons. This week, he was a singles wrestler in a suit and tie talking about how successful he was with the stock market and his position as a financial analyst. What the hell just happened? If this wasn't bizarre enough, he was being immediately pushed to the main event. The WWE bookers and writers didn't have faith in the five-time WCW Champion and Wrestlemania main eventer Booker T. Instead, they decided to hand the ball to Bradshaw. A loud-mouthed, fairly out of shape bafoon who I'd never seen wrestle one great match in his twelve-year career. A man who gets winded tying his boots. A man who was completely unproven and who was so inept that he had gone through half a dozen gimmicks over the course of his tenure with WWF/E to only just barely get over with the crowds as a low midcarder and minor league tag team wrestler....and was now about to feud with WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero?
What the hell was Vince McMahon smoking and why was he passing it to his writers?
5/6 : WORST SMACKDOWN EVER
On Raw, WWE was presenting an excellent weekly show. Free matches on television like Benoit vs. Michaels and a superb Pay-Per-View in Backlash; which featured Randy Orton vs. Mick Foley and a rematch of the Wrestlemania main event, Benoit vs. Michaels vs. Triple H. What was Smackdown's answer to this? Kenzo Suzuki and Mordecai. WWE dropped the whole "Hirohito" idea considering it might...I don't know...alienate an entire country. In its place was more or elss the same gimmick with a different name. Kenzo Suzuki: a Japanese wrestler come to America for revenge for World War II. About sixty years too late, of course. Not to mention the fact that Suzuki may just be the worst wrestler on the planet. He looks like he is frequently constipated more than angry. Mordecai was some kind of holy man dressed like a white wizard. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was as if WWE decided to take a perverted version of "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels' gimmick, drain anything remotely interesting about it, and give it to a man without half Daniels' talent. I've grew to hate Thursdays.
Finally, it happened. The worst Smackdown ever. May 6th, 2004. Like during most episodes of Smackdown, I was sitting in front of my computer monitor chatting with The Oratory's regular viewers in a pinned thread. Every week, we discussed the show as it happened, made wisecracks, etc. This week was too much for us. It was about as incomprehensible as a 1930's French film but without the art. The show began with Eddie Guerrero's mother faking a heart attack and blaming Bradshaw. It continued with Booker T visiting a fortune teller bearing a distinct resemblence to Miss Cleo. Chavo Guerrero lost his Cruiserweight Championship to Jacqueline. There are many good female wrestlers in WWE, but Jacqueline isn't anywhere near Chavo's league. The Undertaker squashed Nunzio and Johnny the Bull at the same time. Dawn Marie and Torrie actually had a match. The Dudley Boyz were in the main event again. I examined this episode like freakin' Hercule Poirot. There is not one speck of anything good about it. The Oratory staff gave it the worst rating Smackdown has ever received: 0.83. It was just that bad.
I felt my interest wane, but being the loyal wrestling fan I was, I decided to keep on watching.
5/16: JUDGMENT DAY PAY-PER-VIEW
The month prior, the Raw-only PPV Backlash put on a good event. This month, it was Smackdown's turn. The day before the Pay-Per-View, I drove from my home in Timonium, Maryland to Lexington, Massachusetts for a Ring of Honor show. Good card. Spanky vs. Homicide. Samoa Joe vs. Ricky Reyes. CM Punk and Colt Cabana vs. Jay and Mark Briscoe. A good time was had by all. Unfortunately, the long drive home spelled the end for my car. After pushing it on too many long road trips, my dinky Sentra that I lovingly called "The Tank" died on me just as I entered New Jersey. I swear, something bad happens to me every time I go to Jersey. It never fails. Luckily, I broke down right next to some construction workers who called for a repairman. He worked hard but in the end, he delivered the bad news that he couldn't save my car. He seemed more upset about it than I. Like a doctor who loses a patient on the operating table. A huge tow truck driver with marijuana tattoos drove me and my car's corpse to Hackensack, New Jersey. On the way, he asked about wrestling and tried to give me advice on how to screw insurance companies and toll workers. I phoned friends and family until I found someone able to pick me up and drive me to Maryland.
Time to get a ride to my brother's and watch the Pay-Per-View, right? Nope. I was beat. I had been awake for about thirty-two hours and I needed some serious sack time. My brother happily recorded the event for me and delivered it to me the next day. Maybe it was better that I watched the tape of Judgment Day alone instead of with my brother. No distractions. It featured a Chavo vs. Jacqueline rematch, Torrie vs. Dawn Marie rematch, Mordecai's first televised match, and Bradshaw's unnecessary and foolish ascent into the main event against Eddie Guerrero. The event was beyond awful. To Guerrero's credit, he did his best to try and carry Bradshaw to a watchable match. He bladed himself heavily and tried to make the bout memorable. On the plus side, Jacqueline dropped the Crusierweight title.
"Well, at least that's over with," I told myself at the end of Bradshaw's match. I assumed that Bradshaw's shot at the main event would be much like Hardcore Holly's earlier in the year. A kind of "thank you" for all the years of service to WWF/E but certainly nothing substantive considering the inherent inferiority. How could I be so wrong?
6/6: THE GERMANY INCIDENT
After sufferring through the rest of May's Smackdown shows and wondering why I should be so loyal to such a terrible show, news broke about an incident in Germany during a WWE show. John Bradshaw Layfield, in an attempt to incite the fans, began imitating Adolf Hitler in the ring. Let me write that again so you take the journey with me. Bradshaw, while in Germany, imitated Hitler. Adolf Hitler. In Germany. Bradshaw marched around the ring giving the "heil" salute. The fans were so (understandably) enraged that one had to be removed from the arena for attempting to charge over the guard rail. No, Bradshaw was not following a script. He decided on his own to make a terrible spectacle of himself by imitating the man who Germans have trying their best to forget for half a century. Bradshaw even tried to defend his actions instead of apologizing. He claimed his portrayl of his new politically insensitive character was similar to Anthony Hopkins' portrayl of a madman. A few things wrong with that "defense."
1) People going to see Silence of the Lambs know full well the dark content of the film before paying for the ticket or rental. Germans did not know anyone was going to be portraying Hitler and mocking their country's history. They were blindsided.
2) It was in no way scripted or authorized by WWE. It was in no way supposed to be part of the show.
3) Bradshaw was not portraying his new politically insensitive character. He performed this act in Germany before when he was supposed to be portraying a beer-drinking brawler. This wasn't "in character." He's was just being a massive ass.
I broke the story to The Oratory after reading of it at PWInsider. At first, I thought Bradshaw just crossed the line and wasn't properly outraged. I'm a reasonably mellow person, and it takes a lot to make me angry or upset. I didn't get angry, but I did eventually get upset. Not only because of Bradshaw's behaviour. I knew he was a jerk from his commetary months before his main event push. What really got my goat was the fact that WWE wasn't going to do anything about it. Nothing. Not only that but they actually rewarded him for starting a controversy with more and more television time. I was so displeased that I sent a letter to McMahon himself. Used my last first class stamp and sent it off before the day was out. First time I've done such a thing in my life. I sincerely doubt he actually read it, though.
Some internet wrestling fans who discussed the issue with me decided it best if they sent their letters to CNBC instead of WWE. The cable news network featured Bradshaw's economic "commentary." Basically, they thought the idea of having a minor wrestling celebrity give money advice would be fairly entertaining and hired him after seeing him on Fox News. CNBC fired him. TV Guide threw him in the jeers section of their Cheers and Jeers page. To Vince McMahon, there is no such thing as bad publicity. Bradshaw earned himself a big place in the company after the incident.
6/10 - 6/24: SKIPPING SMACKDOWN
"Wait a minute," I told myself. "I can just....not watch."
After weeks of being on the fence as to whether or not I should continue to waste my time with Smackdown, John Bradshaw Layfield tipped the scales. It wasn't a moral stand or anything so grandiose. I just didn't want to see his ugly mug on my television. For the first time since its birth in 1999, I did not watch Smackdown on Thursday night. I read a book. I took a bath. Actually, I did both at once. It was very relaxing. In case anyone cares, it was A Stitch in Time by Andrew J. Robinson. A good author who was also the actor best known for playing opposite Clint Eastwood during the famous "make my day" scene in Dirty Harry.
Also for the first time ever, I read the spoilers. Smackdown is taped on Tuesdays and aired on Thursday, and some people just can't resist reading what happens before watching it. I always found that odd. "Why spoil it?" I'd ask myself. "Do these people have no will power at all?" As it turns out, a lot of the spoiler readers just didn't want to watch the show but also didn't want to get behind in the storylines in case they wanted to watch somewhere down the road. That's how I saw it, at least. I read the shows and yawned my way through. Smackdown didn't look any better on paper than it did on television. I considered giving it a chance one week but WWE decided to play up the CNBC firing on Smackdown. Of course, they didn't say the real reason he was terminated. They pretended it was only because he was a "loud-mouthed" wrestler and feigned innocence.
6/27: GREAT AMERICAN BASH PAY-PER-VIEW
Weeks went by and the next Smackdown brand Pay-Per-View was on the horizon. I didn't entirely know what was happening on the show since I kept skipping it, but I figured I should watch the Great American Bash just to stay informed about the product. I decided to visit my father that day. He is fairly wealthy and is always happy to pick up the bill. I didn't feel like paying WWE for a PPV with Bradshaw in the main event. I ordered myself a nice pineapple pizza (the best kind there is, baby) and sat down in my father's comfortable couch to watch Great American Bash. What followed was almost three hours of pain that not even my favorite pizza topping and a cold Pepsi could overcome.
After a half-decent opener, my boy Charlie Haas was ready for his first singles match on Pay-Per-View. Would he follow in his former tag team partner and now Raw superstar Shelton Benjamin's footsteps and face (not to mention defeat) living legend Ric Flair? Of course not. Haas' match was with Luther Reigns, a big ol' hoss who recently had a small role in a comedy about porn stars. Seriously. Much as I had expected, Haas lost. Kenzo Suzuki had a match too. The worst wrestler in the world gets another Pay-Per-View match. I just couldn't understand it. Mordecai came out later. I swear I could see every last fan in the crowd collectively roll their eyes. I quietly chewed on my third slice of pizza wondering if I was going to start crying soon. Suddenly, the announcers informed us it was time for the WWE Championship match. "Huh?" I asked with a mouthful of my carbonated beverage. "They still have Undertaker's match left." Ah, of course. Someone must have decided 'Taker's match to be the true main event instead of the match involving Smackdown's reigning Champion Eddie Guerrero.
So, in the second to last match, Eddie Guerrero faced John Bradshaw Layfield in their second PPV outing. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know the result. Bradshaw became WWE Champion that night. It was the single biggest blow to the prestige of that championship belt in history. Former Rajah columnist and current head of The Oratory John C. instantly declared Bradshaw the "worst WWE Champion ever." I had to agree. My fellow forumites began posting pictures of nuclear explosions and baby Jesus crying to symbolize how awful this was. A little over-the-top but I understood the hurt feelings. Eddie Guerrero had given everything to this feud. He even let himself bleed so much that he had a case of anemia. Bradshaw, on the other hand, made an ass out of himself in Germany and was given the WWE Championship as reward for getting Smackdown some "publicity."
With the exception of a strong cruiserweight title match, this Pay-Per-View was shaping up to be the worst ever. Finally, it was time for the main event and an end to this torture. The Undertaker vs. D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley. I will not try and explain the storyline leading up to this match. It is absurd and stupid and boring and uninteresting and embarrassing as a wrestling fan. The same can be said of the match itself, so I'll just skip to the end. At the conclusion, the Undertaker buried his long-time companion Paul Bearer in a giant glass box full of quick-drying cement. In actuality, it was not WWE personality Paul Bearer who was "buried alive." It was an expert stunt man. Bearer's scenes were filmed earlier that day and spliced in to make it seem as if Bearer was actually the man in the box during the live broadcast.
I longed for a Ring of Honor show.
7/1 - 7/15: ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN
The day of the Great American Bash, I decided that I would watch the following Smackdown and give the show another chance. After what happened with Bradshaw, I quickly changed my mind. Silent protest. I refused to watch the Smackdown that introduced us to the new WWE Champion. I read the spoilers earlier in the week and when Thursday night came around, I listened to political commentary on the radio for a few hours, played a game called Asheron's Call 2 on my computer, and did my best not to think about John Bradshaw Layfield.
The next week, I sorted through the spoilers, and there on my computer monitor read that my favorite tag team, Paul London and Billy Kidman, won the Tag Team Championship on the Tuesday taping of the show. I couldn't believe it. Also that week, I learned that Mordecai was sent back to Ohio Valley Wrestling to work on his technique for a few months (or perhaps longer) after sub-par performances. Was Smackdown regaining its sanity? Were they pushing the right people to the top? I had to watch again. I entered the Oratory Smackdown comments topic and chatted away with my buddies as we watched the show. To my surprise, it was good. Not only because of the tag team title win but also because we all believed that Bradshaw was going to lose the WWE Championship next week in his steel cage match with Guerrero. That would kick him out of the main event for good, right?
Finally, the day of the steel cage main event came. Eddie Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship. All through Bradshaw's main event push, everyone believed it would be cut short. In the beginning, we all said it would last as long as Hardcore Holly's time in the main event. It didn't. He had a second PPV match for the title. Then, we said that he wouldn't win the Championship because even the Smackdown writers weren't that stupid. Again, we were wrong. They really are that stupid. Then, we said with great certainty that he'd lose it to Guerrero on Smackdown...
...and we were wrong.
On Bradshaw's first PPV main event, he "won" by disqualification. DQ means the belt doesn't change hands but Bradshaw's name was announced as the winner, and he bragged about it on television a few days later. On Bradshaw's second PPV main event, he was booked to win again. This time in a manner in that he won the belt. Finally, for Guerrero vs. Bradshaw III, the big Nazi-imitating dolt was booked to win again. Again. Eddie Guerrero put Bradshaw over three times. Now that Guerrero is heading into a feud with Kurt Angle and out of the title hunt, WWE has crushed Guerrero with this storyline and took away the Championship he worked sixteen years to attain. To make it worse, the belt was taken by Bradshaw. If it were Kurt Angle, Booker T, or Rob Van Dam, it could be completely understood....but Bradshaw? Having Guerrero lose three straight times to Bradshaw and lose the WWE Championship to the worst main eventer in history? It was right about that point that I snapped and turned to my television screen.
"Get out of my house!"
TODAY: CONCLUSION
I will make this conclusion brief because this article is taking a lot out of me and has already run on too long.
Smackdown is coming on soon, and I don't care. I'm skipping it until John Bradshaw Layfield drops the WWE Championship. If it needs to be The Undertaker, so be it. Not my choice for Champion, but I can live with it. I'm reminded of something Jon Lovitz once said. It wasn't about wrestling, but I will paraphrase because I think it fits.
"If you stop watching bad wrestling, they'll have to stop making bad wrestling."
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My apologies for the lateness of this column.
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MAILBAG -- THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
I got to tell you I feel pity for these guys. Because they got the passion, and they most live some very hard times. But I think the reality is, they should have thought better about becoming pro wrestlers. I think that today, it requieres more than desire to become something. In today's world you have to be the best. You know, I would love to become a wrestler, but I know that pure skills won't cut it. You need all the other factors: charisma, character, etc. And if you don't have that, then you might as well think of something else. Your idea about turning him heel-Rock and use that hate the fans have for him, as his motications is great. But I do think he better come up with some kind of gimmick soon. Today's wrestling industry demands interesting characters. Not just in-ring talent. And this happens even in the big leagues, I've heard a lot of boos for guys like Shelton Benjamin, who is a great wrestler, but sadly has no character. A wrestler today must control the crowd by just looking at them.
-Alfonso Rivas
While I always support the fans' right to express their opinions, I find it sometimes jarring and disturbing when they chant for some one's death (or even their losing their jobs) when it isn't part of the show. Where's the compassion? I don't like watching a lot of wrestlers. But I don't want them to be unemployed. I certainly don't want them to die. But then, wrestling fans can be irrational. Think about the "you sold out" chants at Lesnar and Goldberg. Now, neither of those wrestlers are my favorites. I found Goldberg too limited in the ring and I didn't like watching Lesnar squash people I did like. But, neither sold out -- they walked out of high paying jobs! Lesnar even did what too many people haven't -- he took a risk and turned down security in order to find happiness.
-Matt