WWE Smackdown! Report (7/14/05) - Taped in Worcester, Massachusetts

-The show opened with an advisory stating that due to world events, "sensitivities have risen" so viewer discretion was advised. How about instead: "Due to world events which we're trying to exploit, but in a tongue-in-cheek way only, since you know, simulating beheadings, suicide bombing themes, martyrs, and such are obviously tongue-in-cheek, and it wasn't our fault the bombers chose the morning of last week's show which we couldn't change, well we could have, but chose not to, because any publicity is good publicity, and you people really need to lighten up, it's just wrestling, and we're giving the Bash to the troops for free, so we're not all bad, and look at those soldiers cheer us, so that makes it all okay - viewers who are total PC freaks and pussies may want to not watch."

-After the Smackdown opening, Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show.

-Eddie Guerrero, from center ring, gloated about the ability to blackmail Rey Mysterio into doing anything for him. He had a chair brought to him, then sat in mid-ring. Cole said, "Eddie Guerrero is nothing short of diabolical." He said he had a story for Dominic. As he began talking, his wife and two daughters walked out. His wife begged Eddie not to tell the secret because it could hurt a lot of people, including their family and Rey and his family. When she said that Rey is a good man, he grabbed her, turned her around forcefully, and walked her out with his arm around the back of her neck.

[Commercial Break]

-Eddie told his wife backstage that he is earning money for the family and they should let him do things his way. He yelled at her and told her to go. She said she can't believe the way she's acting. Hardcore Holly walked up to Guerrero and told him to calm down. "Don't do this in front of your kids," he said. Guerrero shoved him and told him it's none of his business. Holly shoved Eddie hard into the car. Guerrero told his wife to leave "before I get hurt." She said he was acting disgraceful. Eddie told his daughters not to cry. "The secret's not worth hurting your family," his wife said just before driving away.

-They went to Cole and Tazz. Cole said things have gone too far.

1 -- MEXICOOL (Juventud Guerrera & Pcisosis & Super Crazy) vs. PAUL LONDON & SCOTT 2 HOTTY & FUNAKI

Rapid-fire match. Hotty was isolated for a while, then hot-tagged London at 4:00. London impressed either the fans or the sound machine as he got a lot of ohhs and ahhs. He impressed me. What he does well nobody else in WWE comes close to. Super Crazy interfered by dropping London throat-first over the top rope. Juventud finished him off with the 450 splash for the win. The Mexicools drove off in a souped up riding mower.

WINNER: Juventud at 5:45.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Good short match.

-Cole announced that Guerrero vs. Holly was just signed. They also plugged Booker T vs. Christian and Batista vs. Orlando Jordan.

[Commercial Break]

-Christian walked up to Candice Michelle backstage. He began bragging about the respect he already has earned in the Smackdown locker room. Booker T interrupted and said that's not true. Christian told him he didn't appreciate him trying to embarrass him. Booker T told him he has to earn his respect. Sharmell nodded in the background.

-Josh Matthews, or "Boy" as Bruce Mitchell calls him, interviewed Batista. The best thing to ever happen to Josh's wrestling career was not winning Tough Enough. Now he gets a job in WWE without being a victim of cutbacks and he gets to earn a paycheck without taking bumps. Batista said JBL is nothing but a loud-mouth and a bully. "You know how you deal with bullies? You punk 'em out and beat 'em up," said Batista. He took off his sunglasses and looked into the camera and said JBL has zero chance to walk out of the Bash as the World Hvt. Champion. He promised him instead an attitude adjustment. Not exactly the great give-and-take with JBL that would help take Batista's mic work to a new level, but not a bad promo, either.

-Melina got in Torrie's face about being scared of having competition on Smackdown. Torrie offered to take the competition to the ring. Melina complained about Torrie being on the poster of the Bash and called her an "old, washed-up, has-been." Torrie upped the ante to it being a bra and panties match. Melina said nobody out there will ever see her in her bra and panties. She said she'll take off every bit of her clothing. The camera panned back to show off Torrie's boobs at this point. Melina vowed that nobody would remember her name after she was done with her.

[Commercial Break]

-Cole talked about WWE supporting the U.S. troops. He said the Bash would be ovvered for free to all troops overseas.

-As Heidenreich was entering the ring, MNM attacked him. They stomped away at him at ringside. Melina told MNM to "finish him." At that point, Road Warrior Animal came out to the "What a rush!" catchphrase from Hawk. He clotheslined Nitro and tossed Mercury over the top rope. Animal looked reasonably close to his old self other than a huge gut. He then shifted into a plug for the Road Warrior DVD. He called MNM "a couple of little baby punks." At least he didn't call them "MNCheap." When Animal challenged them to a tag team title match, Nitro laughed and said they can't do that "because your partner is dead!" Then they laughed. Heidenreich held Animal back from attacking them. He offered to be his partner. Animal said the match was on.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- EDDIE GUERRERO vs. HARDCORE HOLLY

Holly dominated with chop after chop early. Then they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Eddie then dominated offense after the break. Holly gave Guerrero a low blow at 9:45. Guerrero poked the ref in he eye, then pushed off the ring apron and knocked Holly back-first into the announce table, then rammed Holly into the ring apron. Guerrero then nailed Holly in the knee with a pipe. Back in the ring, Guerrero applied the Texas Cloverleaf for the tapout win.

WINNER: Guerrero at 12:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4

-After the match, he began talking on the mic. When fans heckled him, he said, "I'm making an apology to my wife. Shut the hell up." He then went into a series of expletives that were bleeped. He offered amends to his wife. He said if Rey Mysterio beats him at the Bash, he will bury the secret forever. He said if he beats Rey, though, all bets are off.

-Cole plugged Undertaker vs. Hassan. He said Undertaker is present tonight, but Hassan and Daivari are not. He said Hassan's attorney is present, though, and will read a prepared statement next.

[Commercial Break]

-They played a clip of Sting beating Ric Flair to win the NWA World Hvt. Title at the 1990 Great American Bash - the title that has lineage to the belt Raven now holds in TNA. Jim Ross was on commentary, although his voice has changed quite a bit since then. I was front row for that moment, too.

-Hassan's attorney, Thomas Whitney, walked out in a suit. He put on his glasses and read a statement authorized by Hassan. He said Hassan has endured so much stress over the vitriolic hatred he experienced over the last week, so he's decided to take a "leave of absence" from Smackdown. He said Hassan is "as American as each and every one of you" and "has the same rights and privileges as all of you including freedom of expression." He said it's sad that it's a shame he has had to obtain an attorney to protect himself from discrimination. He said his client would never again appear on Smackdown until such time as he defeats The Undertaker "at a pay-per-view appropriately enough called the Great American Bash." Undertaker's music then interrupted and Taker walked to the ring. The attorney, who for some reason stood in the ring during Taker's slow entrance, said, "Let me remind you I am an attorney, not a wrestler." Taker promptly chokeslammed him and did the throat-slice gesture with his thumb, then gave him a piledriver. I'm surprised WWE didn't have Taker piledrive a reporter instead since they're so upset with the mainstream media reporters who dared not see the "tongue-in-cheek" nature of last week's (not at all terrorism-themed) angles.

[Commercial Break]

-An ad ran for Kane's appearance at the San Diego Comic Con this weekend.

3 -- BOOKER T (w/Sharmell) vs. CHRISTIAN

Christian jumped Booker from behind on the rampway. When the wrestlers got into the ring, ref Nick Patrik ordered Christian to give Booker a chance to get to his feet before the match began. Once Booker stood up, the bell rang, and Christian gave him an Unprettier for the fast win. "Booker never had a chance!" said Cole. When Sharmell protested, Christian said, "Shut your mouth!"

WINNER: Christian at 0:08.

STAR RATING: n/a

-Cole said Batista vs. Orlando Jordan was "next." That doesn't count a plug for upcoming a house shows, a full commercial break, a vignette for Boogieman, a plug for the Great American Bash PPV, another full commercial break, a ring entrance, promo by JBL, and another commercial. Not counting all of that, Batista vs. Jordan was next.

[Commercial Break]

-A vignette aired promoting the Boogieman, who is "coming to get YOU. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

-Cole and Tazz plugged the Bash PPV line-up ("shaping up as one hell of a PPV" according to Cole). A Booker T vs. Christian rematch was already signed. Also, Torrie vs. Melina in a "bra and panties" match.

[Commercial Break]

-JBL accompanied Orlando Jordan to the ring for the TV main event. He said he was humiliated last week when Batista caused him to have a blemish on his record of having lost to Blue Meanie. He talked about how he had defeated everybody in the locker room during his WWE Title reign. He said there are legends, Hall of Famers, and all-time greats, but there is only one "Wrestling God."

[Commercial Break]
4 -- BATISTA vs. ORLANDO JORDAN (w/JBL)

Over sixteen minutes after Michael Cole said, "Coming up next!" the bell rang to start the TV main event. They still haven't done anything to make Smackdown feel like "Batista's show." It feels more like Hassan's or Eddie's or Taker's or even MNM's show, but not Batista's. Batista clotheslined Jordan over the top rope to the floor to start. Jordan got in a kick and some punches on Batista, then JBL tripped Batista. Jordan dropkicked Batista to the floor. JBL rammed Batista's head into the ringside stairs. A fan held up a sign that said, "Brock fears Batista." JBL kept helping Jordan retain control. The crowd chanted "Batista, Batista" as Jordan locked Batista in a leglock. Batista made a comeback and hit a series of shoulder tackles into the corner followed by a clothesline in the opposite corner. He limped as he lifted Jordan for a powerslam. He knocked JBL off the ring apron. Jordan dove at Batista, but Batista stepped aside and the ref went down. Batista gave Jordan the Spinebuster, then did the Ultimate Top Rope Shake. JBL entered and KO'd Batista with a chair. The ref, "Brian Hep-ner" according to Cole, was still down. JBL poured water on the ref to revive him. When he made the count, Batista kicked out. JBL yelled "No!" Batista clotheslined an interfering JBL and then Jordan, then gave Jordan a Batistabomb for the win. Batista was slow to get to his feet. JBL gave Batista the Clothesline from Hell and then held the World Title belt over his head as he stood over the KO'd Batista. Cole asked if that would be the scene at the end of the Bash in nine days.

WINNER: Batista at 6:57.