E-mail any comments, questions, or random thoughts about this column to Trophar@Lycos.com and I will post some of your letters in the mailbag section of the next column. Don’t be shy. I appreciate any and all intelligent critiques whether positive or negative.
Read the archives of Beauty in Wrestling from 2003 - 2005 at LeonThomas.Net The website will be updated in full soon.
IMPORTANT QUESTION: Beauty in Wrestling fans, I propose a question to you: What do you dream about? Nude celebrities? Killer clowns? Electric bunny machines? Or are you like me, dreaming of seeing BIW with a light background and dark text instead of a dark background with light text? Of course you do. It is only natural. I am going to make your dreams a reality. The non-bunny ones. BIW will now be seen in The Oratory as well as its usual home here. So, check it out.
--QUITTING--
"You can get off any time you want." - Bobby Gaylor
You've thought about it. Of course you have. If you've watched professional wrestling for more than a couple years, you've thought about it. Quitting. Throwing in the towel and devoting your life and your time and your obsessions to something else. Whether it be quitting your most frequent wrestling promotion you watch like WWE or TNA or maybe ditching it all. How can you not? It's completely understandable. It's wrestling. Pro wrestling. It's a predetermined athletic romp that is often mind-numbingly ridiculous and insulting to your intelligence.
You're a human being. You have a mind. You have a choice. You can quit.
Now, I'm not saying quit watching wrestling, but if you were thinking about it anyway, it's no skin off my back. Who would blame you? You know? Because there are lots of reasons to quit. Especially lately. Lots of reasons to be rid of this monkey-go-round immature fixation with a psuedo-sport. Now, I'm just blue skying here, but here's what I'm thinking off the top of my head and what you are certainly considering...
You'll never have to sit through another introduction of another wrester who is supposed to fit a terribly outdated or highly insensitive racial stereotype. You'll never have to sit through an introduction of another wrestler who is a plumber, clown, out-of-work porn star or mentally-challenged but somehow, impossibly, a good wrestler. You'll never have to sit through an introduction of another wrestler -- period.
You'll never have to watch as a sight of war and our greatest fears are played out on television or on video tape. You'll never have to watch another angle involving a pregnancy, wedding, miscarriage or all of the above. Never have to watch as real life tragedy is spiced up, marked, labeled and copyrighted to make a buck or sell a t-shirt or Pay-Per-View.
So long, Gene Snitsky.
No more looking over your shoulder or lowering your voice trying to hide your secret love.
You will never see your favorite wrestler's two year-long title reign come to an end to someone who isn't half the wrestler he is. You will never see your favorite wrestler's short title reign come to a close well before its time. You will never see your favorite wrestler passed up in exchange for an oaf who would not know a wristlock from a wristwatch. You will never see your favorite wrestler again...
You will have much more time available to start a new hobby. You will have much more money available to start a new hobby. You will have much more space in your brain to start a new hobby. Think hard. Maybe stamp collecting or decoupage.
You will never have to drive eight hours in the snow to a no-name town in New England to see a tournament for a new championship belt.
Take a hike, Diva Search.
You will never be disappointed by the fact that your favorite cruiserweight was fired. You will never be disappointed by the fact that your favorite heavyweight isn't getting the push he deserves. You will never be disappointed that the event you watched live on Pay-Per-View wasn't worth quite the money you spent on it. You will never be disappointed that the live show you attended in person wasn't worth the price of admission. You will never be disappointed at all. You can leave it all behind. You can pretend it doesn't exist. You can quit wrestling. It would be so easy....
...of course, you'd miss Wrestlemania. Yeah. Come to think of it, that's always great. That build for three months from Royal Rumble to the Granddaddy of Them All as all the top stars prepare for dream matches and title changes and confetti and celebrities and that massive party at your friend's house to celebrate.
You'll miss the moment when your favorite heel, for the first time ever, faces a crisis of conscience and turns on his evil ways to save the girl from certain death, and you will miss being able to finally cheer for him like you've always wanted. Yeah!
You know, as I mull this over, you'll also miss those fantastic live television moments when someone says something that the censors can't edit in time and everyone in the crowd, at home, on the internet and across the globe laugh in unison.
Standing ovations and moments only wrestling fans can produce.
You'll miss your favorite wrestler, who after twenty years of struggle and blood and sweat and tears and life-threatening injuries, finally captures the top gold.
You'll miss five star performances. You'll miss anticipating them, watching them, taping them, rewatching them, showing them to friends, discussing them, grading them and then watching them for the third time.
Stacy Keibler.
You'll miss the moment in the future when the wrestler who you always said had potential, but who everyone else disliked, finally makes it. You'll miss your chance to tell them all that you saw it all along.
You'll miss the underdog getting not just the pin but a long, hard-fought battle with the giant monster and the victory in his own home town. You will miss booing the heel as he attacks the underdog after the match, and you will miss cheering even harder than you did during the match when the underdog valiantly fights back.
Oh, and ladder matches! You will definitely miss ladder matches!
Heel turns, face turns, returns by veterans, returns from injuries, steel cages, surprise appearances by wrestlers who you didn't know were still alive, buying a wrestling t-shirt, going to your local independent show, going to a TNA or WWE show, going to Japan to see Best of the Super Juniors, building a DVD collection, talking about wrestling with your friends -- you will always regret that if you quit -- and that great night when the wrestler from that other company finally debuts on your promotion of choice after years of waiting.
You will miss that one moment when wrestling captures you and pulls you in. When time stops and the match tugs on your heart -- until you believe it's real.
Hang on tight. It's about to get good.
