Here's the deal. In the past I've been known to do live play by play of WWE events, but I got tired of doing those because the typing for three hours straight got very, very tiresome. What I'd rather do is keep a running diary of sorts throughout the night while giving you the winners, the losers and whatever else goes down post match or otherwise. There will be star ratings given using the five star scale as well as some very brief thoughts on the matches. I'll also make jokes throughout because quite frankly if you sit through a WWE show without making jokes then something is really wrong with you. I'm not doing it to make fun. I'm doing it to keep my sanity. There's a difference.
Remember, this is NOT a recap. I don't want an email from somebody crying that I did a bad job of recapping. If you want a recap go to one of the other 5,614 wrestling sites on the internet and read one. This is a smart ass, opinion based analysis of the show that I watched tonight. I watched the second half of it live after the NFL game went out of the reach and then I watched the first half after that on the PPV replay. After NFL season is over I'll probably do these live, or at least post them at 11pm, but until then a really late Sunday night or early Monday posting is what you're going to get.
I'm not going to do this for every PPV. It's more of a "when I feel like it" thing. Lucky for you, I felt like it tonight. I do appreciate all feedback you have on it so drop me a line to let me know what you thought of it. Without further Apu…
(In the future this long intro won't be here. Just needed to do it this one time to introduce the concept.)
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WWE Survivor Series
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
November 26, 2006
The typically good PPV video starts off the night on the right foot. If only the booking was as good as the video packages. Two sentences in and I'm already criticizing the booking. Here comes the "if you don't like it don't watch it" emails. If you send those emails please attach a photo of Melina as well. I need something to enjoy.
We got Smackdown announcers, Raw announcers and of course the Spanish announcers. No sign of the ECW boys even though some ECW people are in matches tonight. I'm sure some people will complain. Me? Can't say I care too much about announcers as long as JBL is there. Loving that guy as an announcer.
Team Viagra: Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons w/Arn Anderson vs. Spirit Squad
I guess it's a good choice for an opener because the crowd is at least hot for Flair. Weak eliminations early sending Simmons and Anderson to the back. Simmons, by the way, was wearing the t-shirt that says "DAMN" on it.
Man, Dusty Rhodes is so huge these days that he has Thanksgiving every day. Geez, man, way to let yourself go in your old age. And look at his forehead. I bet a toothpick could cause that to bleed. Sadly, we wouldn't find out in this match.
During my observing of Mr. Rhodes, Sarge got eliminated and then Dusty quickly eliminated one of the Squad boys with an elbow drop. Then Kenny took out Dusty with the longest and most awkward looking schoolboy pin ever. JR acts almost surprised that Dusty lost. I'm more surprised that he went through the match without eating something. Yes, people, Dusty Rhodes is fat. But that's why we love him. Just like Santa!
It's Flair against Kenny, Johnny and Mikey. That doesn't last long, though. One is gone with a rope pin, then Kenny's gone with a small package and then Johnny taps to the figure four. Flair wins. 3/4* DAMN…that was like the longest ten minutes of my life.
Winners: Team Viagra
After the match the Squad beats the crap out of Flair ending with Kenny hitting his beautiful leg drop off the top. Nobody saves Flair. I guess his team found the buffet table. Yes, the most obvious joke was the best one in this situation. What should I have said? DAMN? Hmm, that DOES work. Better put it on a shirt!
United States Title: Chris Benoit vs. Chavo Guerrero w/Vickie
Count me in as one of the many people who dislikes all the Eddie Guerrero related angles that continue on WWE television. I understand why they do it. Doesn't mean I like it.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh Chavo. That's probably my favorite theme song in wrestling now that Booker's song is gone. It's either this song or Randy Orton's. Hey, nothing you can say!
I miss Kerwin White. Yes, I said it. It's true.
This match isn't working for me. I like both guys, but it's just not working. I'd much rather see Benoit defend the belt against Finlay or against the horribly underused Shelton Benjamin who is being wasted away over on Raw.
I guess the story of the match is Vickie Guerrero interfering, but I'm not getting into it at all. That's rare for me because Benoit's my favorite worker in the company now that Kurt Angle's gone and Shawn Michaels is basically a joke character.
The "big" angle in the match came when Vickie was on the apron, Benoit accidentally knocked her off and I guess we're supposed to think Benoit's a jerk for that. I don't even know. Anyway, he countered Chavo and made him tap to the Crossface allowing him to retain the title. *1/2 Match was like six or seven minutes. Way too short for it to be anything more than just okay.
Winner: Chris Benoit
Backstage, Lita rants about how she should be announced as the greatest women's champ ever. That's like saying the Chicago Cubs are the greatest baseball organization ever or the Detroit Lions are the best NFL team ever. You can say it, but after people laugh at you for saying it nobody will listen to anything else you say. Edge agrees, that's why he makes out with her. That's what us Canadians do. We don't talk. We just want the action. There's Cryme Tyme with some HILAROUS comedy. Oh look, the two black guys are stealing something. I can't stop laughing! This is genius! Genius, I say! I didn't know WWE hired Michael Richards. (See, I keep up with current events. My jokes are timely, baby!)
Women's Title: Lita vs. Mickie James
I can't say I'm too excited about this, so I'll breeze through and keep the smart ass comments to a minimum. Everybody knew Lita was losing. I guess Mickie's a babyface now although is she still a psycho? I don't know. You don't know.
Is there even more than three people in this so called division? Why not bring Jillian Hall and her boob shaking to Raw? I wouldn't mind.
I'm bored, time to Google Trish Stratus' name to see what she's up to. Hey, she's on some TV show where celebrities try to be a cop for a month. Sounds like uh…crap. But it's Trish so I'll at least give it a look. (Shill time: Trish column coming soon!)
Mickie ends up winning with a DDT after Lita misses her moonsault. * It was fine. Nothing I'm going to remember after I'm done writing about it, though.
Winner: Mickie James
Lita grabs the microphone, she wants to be announced as the greatest women's champ ever. Lita's post match complaining is interrupted by Cryme Tyme. They stole Lita's stuff and they're going to have a ho sale. The Monistat - used for yeast infections - got sold for a dollar. Maybe that'll be a trivia question one day so please remember it.
JBL smells her panties, then offers to pay $100 for it. They took his $100 without giving change. I guess that's funny. Oh, now they got a vibrator for sale. Classy. I'm sure all the parents that dropped $300 to bring their kids to this show are having fun explaining that one to them.
Lita's box got sold for $20 too. It's big, wide and you can fit your whole head in it. I guess I'll miss SOME Lita jokes.
Lita, good luck to you in whatever you're doing next. I'm not going to lie and say I was a huge fan, but I respect the hell out of you and wish you nothing but the best.
They go to a pre-show interview with Michael Cole talking to Batista about his match tonight. Cole asks a bunch of questions, Batista never answers them. Then they show a clip from last Friday night signing the contract. Finally, Batista says he's leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion. I guess the point of that was to point out that Batista is serious tonight, as opposed to being hilarious at other times? I like the idea of talking to a main eventer before the show. I just don't think this was that effective.
There's a Rocky Balboa statue outside the arena in Philly because Philly doesn't have real sport heroes. They love their fictional ones, though.
Team DX: Triple H, Shawn Michaels, The Hardy Boyz and CM Punk vs. Team Rated RKO: Randy Orton, Edge, Johnny Nitro, Gregory Helms and Mike Knox
The Hardy Boyz come out first to a huge reaction. CM Punk is next, he gets a pretty good reaction. DX is out to the biggest pop of the night so far, which of course isn't a surprise. Lots of playing to the crowd. They're really hot tonight. Are you ready? Yes, apparently they are. I thought they would have said no. I'm shocked. You can tell HHH is having fun tonight by his mic work.
There's Melina…in black leather. Oh man how I envy the cow that died to be a part of that dress. No Melina entrance. Thumbs down for this match already. That's like going to buy your favorite ice cream sundae with the chocolate syrup on top only to find out that they ran out of syrup just before you got there. I want my syrup, damn you!
You know Gregory Helms' theme music has him saying his name at the very start of it? I had no idea, I usually fast forward it on Smackdown. There's Mike Knox with Kelly Kelly. Proof that wrestling is fake because no chick that looks like that would be with a balding, untalented loser like that guy. Furthermore, if you were slamming a chick that looked like Kelly Kelly AND was as dumb as her you would never be angry. Just look at my idol Kevin Federline! A jobless bum knocks up a dumb AND rich blonde twice even though he's got no talent at all. That's the American Dream, baby! Oh, the match. Orton and Edge come out last.
Knox argues with HHH about Kelly showing her boobs so Shawn superkicks him and he's pinned after about 5 seconds. Oh no, Mike Knox is eliminated. He was the whole reason I ordered (I mean watched through illegal means that I refuse to tell people about) this show! No! How will I sleep tonight knowing Mike Knox failed me?! In a funny spot, Shawn asks who that guy was as his team tells him he really was in the match. I'm not sure if I love HBK being a stupid babyface now, but he does make me laugh more often than not.
Edge vs. Matt Hardy. Remember when that was a really hot feud? Seems like ages ago.
The Hardy's look like they're having fun working together again. You know what would be a nice feud? Hardy's vs. Haas & Benjamin. Too bad it won't happen because it might actually be good!
Huge pop when CM Punk gets tagged in. Probably a good thing this show is in Philly where he's hugely popular from his ROH days. Punk eliminates Nitro with the Anaconda Vice submission. Sigh, there goes Melina. I really hope she wears that outfit again.
As Helms works over Punk, another nice "CM Punk" chant. CM stands for Chick Magnet for those wondering. Chicks are magnetized to punks apparently. They're also magnetized to money.
RKO on Punk. Michaels saves Punk during the pin and here comes HHH. Lots of brawling going on, HHH kills Helms with a spinebuster and then the Hardy's get rid of Helms with the Twist of Fate/Swanton Bomb combo.
Now it's 5 on 2 for Team DX as they have a big staredown. Orton and Edge fail in their attempt to bail. Back in the ring, they beat the crap out of Edge, ending with Michaels pinning him after a superkick.
Now it's 5 on 1 on Orton. Orton tries to bail through the crowd but they bring him. Back in the ring, a superkick and Pedigree eliminate him. Team DX wins 5 to 0. **1/4 It was fun anyway. Crowd sure got a kick out of all of this, but it wasn't great if you're looking for a classic, long drawn out match.
Winners: Team DX
Long video for Undertaker vs. Kennedy. I like Kennedy's promos although how many times have we heard a heel say they're going to end the Undertaker? Backstage, MVP basically says he's got Kennedy's back tonight although we don't know if he really means it. That was some bad acting all around right there.
First Blood Match: Undertaker vs. Ken Kennedy
The winner is the first man to make his opponent bleed. Why are they doing a First Blood match? Because Undertaker doesn't like to get pinned. Kennedy comes out first and he takes the padding from every steel turnbuckle. Undertaker comes out second of course. I, like usual, take a piss during the entrance. I'm sure you're glad I told you that.
Taker whips Kennedy out to the floor, then slaps him all around ringside. Undertaker looks to be in great shape, I'll give him that much.
You can tell Undertaker's feeling good because he just hit a beautiful superplex. That was pretty. He works on Kennedy's ribs to make him bleed internally, apparently, even though that seems like a stupid strategy.
All Kennedy's offense so far has been a low blow, which was basically no sold by the Deadman. There's another low blow as I say that.
As he's bleeding out on the floor, MVP comes out with a towel to wipe the blood from his mouth. The ref never saw it. Then MVP tosses him back in the ring because he's mad since Kennedy made him fight the brothers on SD a couple weeks back.
I'm no doctor, but I doubt your internal bleeding would stop all of a sudden. Undertaker's head gets dropped on the exposed steel, but he's not bleeding yet.
MVP's back with a chair. The ref fights it off. We think he wanted to hit Kennedy, but we don't know. Kennedy moves, Undertaker gets hit by the chair and he's cracked open. The ref comes back in to see the blood and names Kennedy the winner of the match. **1/4 It was booked like a fluke win for Kennedy because he barely got any offense in. He sold well and it was a believable brawl even with the predictable finish.
Winner: Ken Kennedy
"This is the biggest comeback in sports!" says JBL. Uh, maybe not. But I love JBL the announcer.
Kennedy announces himself as the winner, but Undertaker's pissed off and beats the crap out of him. Oh man, he just DRILLED Kennedy with a sick chairshot. Ken's busted open. Tombstone ends the beating. Or not. He takes off his glove and beats Kennedy with his bare knuckles. Kennedy, have fun losing at Armageddon.
An ad for the Piper DVD. I'll be getting that at some point. Always been a big Piper fan. Let's just hope there's no sign of that Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper match. "Strap on your kilt!" Yes, they actually said that.
Backstage, Sharmell and Booker use their fake English accents to say they'll beat Batista. Uh, sure you will. This will be the "bittah, bittah end" says King Bookah. I like the king act. I just miss his theme music.
Team Big Show: Big Show, MVP, Test, Umaga and Finlay vs. Team Cena: John Cena, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Bobby Lashley and Kane
I almost changed my name to Vontavious but I thought it was too popular, so I went with something crazy like John instead. There's Test looking roided up as ever. Feel the excitement. It's Test! Or not. Uuuuuuuumagaaaaaaaaaaaa. I love saying that. I wonder if you could get Estrada announcing his name as a cell phone ring. Not that I would, mind you, but it's funny just to think about it. Finlay rules, even though they just yanked his shillelagh from him. I was talking about his giant stick, not his…ah forget it. Big Show's last and I think he's the only one in this team of five to actually get a reaction from the crowd. That's not a great sign.
I barely see RVD and Sabu anymore since ECW has such a crappy time slot in Canada. But holy shit, Sabu looks so old. I guess scars will do that to you. Lashley's third for his team and he gets a nice ovation. I like that guy. There's Kane. Man, it's been nine years of Kane now. I remember when that gimmick was so fresh. Seems like ages ago. Cena gets the monster pop. Finally somebody in this match generates a reaction that's not generic.
Cena kills everybody at the start. Umaga's pissed, so he grabs a monitor and beats up the babyface team while drilling Cena in the head. Cena plays dead on the floor. If those two get a PPV match they better load it with gimmicks because they need it. Anyway, Umaga's eliminated due to DQ after about a minute. I guess that's how you book an undefeated guy without making him lose.
RVD's mouth is busted open. Finlay rules. Too bad more people don't work like him. Wow, RVD just gave him payback I think with a really hard kick to the mush. Kane illegally gets a chokeslam on MVP, then RVD eliminates him with a frogsplash. Then Test come in, boots RVD and eliminates him. Man, RVD went from being World Champ to losing to a kick to a face in about five minutes. Test is gone after a Lashley spear on the floor and a spinning DDT by Sabu. There goes Sabu after a chokeslam from Show. So now it's Kane, Lashley and Cena against Show and Finlay.
Comedy spot comes when Kane and Show are choking eachother, the midget runs in, distracts everybody, Finlay cracks Kane with his stick and Show rids Kane from the match with a chokeslam. Now it's two on two.
JR just said Big Show's shoe size, which is 22E for those of you that need to know. I think he is required to say it by law. Even his ring size too. I feel so informed.
"The sky is the limit for Bobby Lashley" says JR. Too bad he's on ECW and nobody's going to see him now.
Everybody's down. Midget time! Lashley spears Finlay, he's out. Two on one now. They totally screwed up a double DDT on Show. Crowd seems to be hating on Cena quite a bit now. Double suplex worked better.
What do you do when you have a 500 pound man on the ground? You dance, then you weakly drop a knuckle on his face. That's the answer. FU on Big Show ends the match. We've seen it before, but it's always such a cool visual. Call it *3/4 or so.
Winners: Cena, Lashley and the three other guys that I forget that were even in the match.
There's another PPV next week? Apparently it's the ECW one. Cool video package for the Elimination Chamber. Makes me miss Chris Jericho, though.
Nice video package for the Batista/Booker feud. They haven't really had a good match yet. Maybe tonight they will if they're able to brawl.
World Heavyweight Championship: Booker T. vs. Batista
Things of note here is this is Batista's "last" title shot, which of course means he's winning. Also Teddy Long said the title can change hands on a DQ or Countout, which of course means that they're not going to be brawling too much and thus have a poor match. Too bad.
Batista beats him up in the aisle before the match, but it's apparently legal since the match has yet to start. If that's legal why don't they do that in every match? I never understood that.
Booker has great heel mannerisms. I've always liked him better as a heel even though he's been a face for the majority of his career.
JBL says Batista is like Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds because he hits homeruns (figuratively). It's another way of saying he's got a power game. Of course he's also like them because without the use of enhancements (*cough* allegedly *cough*) he'd probably look a little different.
I think the thumb to the eye is the most effective move ever, after a low blow. Nobody no sells the thumb!
Batista hits a Goldberg-like Jackhammer, he gets only two and nobody in the crowd seems to believe that's close to the finish. Not a good sign. The crowd isn't reacting to these nearfalls at all.
Why do the announcers say you can get disqualified for closed fists? Maybe they should actually do it once in order to actually make it a rule rather than pretending it is one.
Booker takes over thanks to his scheming wife while deaf ref Nick Patrick can't hear a man's head smashing into steps. If you got Nick Patrick on your Christmas list a hearing aid would be a good idea.
Batista looks really winded. Then again, I saw a picture of his girlfriend today. Her name's Rebecca and she apparently works for WWE in some capacity. Like I can tell the difference between the women they hire anymore. I don't blame him for being winded. Good for you, Dave. Very good for you.
Ha, JBL called Teddy Long racist because he doesn't like King Booker. I love JBL the announcer about as much as I disliked JBL the worker. And that's a lot, my friends.
Batista with a flying shoulder block off the top for two. Cool to see a new move from the guy. That's always nice to see on PPV. Book End for the champ. They're exchanging two counts now. And the crowd is waking up a bit too.
Batista Bomb. One…two…Booker's hand is on the bottom rope. His wife hands him the title. Batista avoids a belt shot, he takes the belt and smacks Booker with it to win. The ref never saw it because he was getting Sharmell out of the ring. *1/2 Match was better than any match they had before. Doesn't mean it was great, but it was watchable.
Winner: Batista
The PPV ends at 10:42pm with Batista celebrating with the title.
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There were seven matches on this card with none of them lasting more than 15 minutes or so. The longest match was the last one and it was the type of match that you were hoping would end after about the five minute mark because it was so lethargic. This really felt like a total nothing happening show. I mean, yes, the World Title changed hands, but everybody saw that coming. Except Michael Cole, apparently. I think he's still yelling at the top of his lungs about Batista overcoming odds. What did he overcome? A scepter? A bad English accent spoken by a man that's from the mean streets of Houston? I don't understand.
I hate being negative. I really do. I'm really not that type of fan. It's just that if you're expecting people to shell out $40 maybe you need to do more than one title switch and mixing the Raw/Smackdown/ECW rosters up a bit.
None of the Survivor Series elimination matches had any real drama to them. The Old Dudes vs. Young Dudes was just done so the guys that work backstage can have a little fun with the kids they're trying to teach. The DX vs. Rated RKO one was basically a squash to put over a team of babyfaces that always gets put over. The Cena vs. Show one didn't really further Cena vs. Umaga since all they did was a monitor shot, nor did it further Lashley vs. Show because Cena's the one that pinned Show, not Lashley. Yeah, there was the image of Cena giving the FU to Big Show, but that's not exactly new.
This was a crowd pleasing show more than anything. The good guys did well. Batista won, Benoit won, Mickie won, the Survivor Series matches all ended with the faces coming out on top and aside from Undertaker losing to Kennedy it was a clean sweep. For people ordering the show to see their heroes win I'm sure they left it satisfied.
As for me, I'd consider it average. Not a bad show, but nothing to make you say wow either. For one of the big four PPVs I was hoping for more. Maybe I'm the only one.
5 out of 10.
Like I said in the open this is a new format for me, so please email me your thoughts on how I did at oratoryjohn@gmail.com and I'll reply to you as soon as possible. Not sure when I'll do another one of these, but I had fun and chances are good that there will be more in the future.
Thanks for reading.
Smell ya later,
John C - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Visit My Archives to view seven years of columns from over the years including many PPV recaps over the last few years.
