The John Report: The Raw Deal for 10/12/09 (Orton/Cena vs. Legacy)
Welcome to the Raw Deal. As always I'll give my thoughts on everything that went down, bring it home with the three stars of the show plus a final rating and then end the Raw discussion with the thoughts from my friends on Facebook in the weekly Commentfest. I was going to do some top 10 things I'm thankful for list in honor of Canadian Thanksgiving (on Monday), but I'll save it for US Thanksgiving, I guess. Plus, I had too much turkey and wine yesterday. Before I get to Raw, I want to hit on a couple of news items quickly.
- There was a big article written by the Associated Press that was in a bunch of newspapers, which you can read here. The highlight of the article was Vince McMahon calling his product, "sophisticated," which is kind of like Mark Henry calling himself skinny. The article makes no mention of the fact that the guest host concept has done very little to help ratings and that PPV buys are down this year compared to last year, which was also a down year. But hey, everything's great in WWE according to Vince. Of course it is because nobody that works for him will tell him otherwise.
- The No Way Out PPV is now going to be called WWE Elimination Chamber. I'm not crazy about it. I liked the No Way Out name, but I guess the fans decided on it. Word came out this week that there's another survey out where you could rename Judgment Day to Riot Control, Wargames or Multimania. Wargames better win and they better bust out the double ring with the cage like WCW did. I loved that concept so much. Of course WWE probably will do a shitty version of it if they actually get to that point. I almost want Multimania to win simply because it's the worst name I've ever seen them come up with and I want to make fun of it.
- Looks like Booker T. will probably be back in WWE by the end of the year. His contract in TNA is up in November, he's unhappy there and apparently WWE wants him back on Smackdown. I've always liked him although you can clearly see he's lost a step in the ring due to age (he's in his early 40s). Still, he's an above average talker and is definitely willing to put over younger guys although apparently not in TNA lately.
That's it. There's more I could talk about, but this is going to be long enough as is, so let's just get to Raw.
------------
Live from Indianapolis, IN here's the Raw Deal…
- We open the show with Jericho talking to us about being team captain for Team Smackdown at the Bragging Rights PPV. He gets interrupted by guest host Nancy O'Dell, who then tells us that he's not going to open her show. She wants DX to. Cue the DX entrance with HHH coming out solo. Shawn's not there, he's at home with his sick daughter. I'm assuming they just used that because he wants to work less and they're probably going to give him a week off once in a while. Hunter called Shawn, his machine got it and it was HBK singing a variation of his theme song as his message. Could have been funnier. Anyway, the DX guys are the captains of Team Raw in this 7 on 7 tag match. Why 7 on 7? I have no idea. Out came Jerishow. Hunter called them that, by the way. Love that the name is picking up steam. Jericho said how great Smackdown was while Hunter said it sucked, basically, then mocked the Great Khali during this. Jericho should have mentioned that Smackdown has been great ever since HHH hasn't been on it. Oh right, it's Raw. We have to pretend like HHH is the best ever. Hunter busted out his usual gay innuendo by saying Jericho was the pitcher while Show was the catcher. Gay innuendo by the 40 year old father of two that's the son-in-law of a wannabe US Senator? Yep, that's sophisticated. The whole point of this was to turn Jerishow against eachother since Show is a Raw wrestler. Jericho made fun of him for being owned by Shaq while Show mentioned Bob Barker owning Jericho to which Jericho said again that he'd fight Barker anytime. Man, Chris rules. By the end of this all, we got a match pitting Show against Jericho. If Show wins he's on Team Raw. If he loses he is not.
Big Show d. Chris Jericho via countout (*)
This was mostly an angle with some comedy thrown in. I loved Jericho selling the Big Show chops. His facial expressions are great. I liked the spot where Jericho went for the Codebreaker, Show countered it, put him on the top and Jericho bitchslapped him only to be knocked to the floor by Show. The finish was Jericho feigning a knee injury, Show bought it and Jericho slid in. Before he could make it in to break the count, Show pulled him back and broke the count himself to make Team Raw. I really don't see this as a sign of the team breaking up. It will be in early 2010, but not yet.
- Backstage, my girl Maria Menounos (also on Access Hollywood with Nancy O'Dell) interviewed the Legacy boys. From now on I'll call her Maria Menounos-Canton. Don't worry Maria, it's not a real last name. She informed them that only one of them will be on Team Raw. There's a triple threat match later, whoever wins that would be on the team. The other person in the match is John Cena. Maria did a better job interviewing than any WWE chick has although that's not a surprise since it's what she does for a living.
Jillian Hall d. Mickie James to become the NEW Divas Champion (1/4*)
I'm not really sure who Mickie pissed off to lose in about 90 seconds. Remember when she lost to Beth in like a minute a couple weeks back? Weird. Jillian won with a powerbomb type counter out of the corner with her feet on the ropes. I was genuinely happy for Jillian. I like her as a performer. She's a decent enough worker for a woman in WWE and she's put up with so much shit in the company (remember that stupid growth on her face?) that I was excited about seeing her hold the belt. Of course, it didn't last long.
The guest host Nancy O'Dell announced a divas trade. You know, a person in charge of the show for one day trading people is like somebody getting a key to the city and changing laws. Everybody has to abide by it even though the person has no power. Anyway, Mickie was tossed aside and Nancy told us Jillian would defend the belt right now against Raw's newest diva.
Melina d. Jillian Hall to become Divas champion (DUD)
The "new" diva is the same one that cried when she got drafted to Smackdown in April and is now back after basically wrestling McCool the whole time. They botched the original leg drop finisher thing, then she did her flipping powerbomb (kinda like Amazing Red's "Code Red" move) for the win.
Here's the "big" diva trade they talked about:
To Raw: Melina, Eve Torres and The Bellas. Melina's the Divas champ and she'll probably be feuding with Maryse since she's due back any week now. In ring Melina's fine. When she tries to act, she's brutal. I really miss the heel Melina we saw before WWE was PG, though. She was amazingly sexy in that role. I like Eve. She looks like a good athlete and you can tell she wants to get better. The Bellas have moved from Smackdown to Raw to ECW to Raw again since April's draft lottery. Keep this in mind even though they've been on Raw a lot with the various guest hosts, but now they're officially on Raw. My head hurts.
To Smackdown: Mickie James and Beth Phoenix. My favorite diva (Mickie) on my favorite show is a good thing although I'll miss seeing her on Mondays. Now Smackdown has Mickie, Beth, Michelle and Natalya, all of whom are pretty good in the ring. I wanted Mickie to turn heel, but the other three SD chicks that know how to work are all heels, so I assume she'll just feud with McCool. There's also Layla and Maria, who aren't as good, but I don't expect either of them to be in the title picture. Smackdown clearly has the better women wrestlers.
To ECW: Rosa Mendez. At least they moved her where she probably won't wrestle on TV anymore since she always looked uncomfortable and I always worried somebody might get her due to her being sloppy. She'll train more in Florida and hopefully she can improve.
I like trades. They never did trades in previous years. It's a good way to shake the rosters up without having to do the draft lottery thing, which should be once a year.
- Next week's guest host: Snoop Dogg. At least he's known worldwide. I am already dreading Michael Cole busting out some Snoop-isms. He did a few during this show. It's brutal.
- Backstage, HHH talked to a cardboard cutout of HBK while he had HBK on the phone. Horny walked in dressed like HBK, Shawn saw it on TV and threw a fit. Hunter rolled around the floor with Horny, mocking a fight. The best part was Horny kicking down the HBK cutout, which Lawler called "sweet knee music." That's the funniest thing Lawler has said in years. This segment? You guessed it, very sophisticated.
- More comedy backstage. Santino walked up to Nancy and Maria (the guest host, not the WWE diva). He tried to be an anchor on their show when Beth walked in acting pissed about being traded to Smackdown. Why does it even matter what show you're on? Maria said everybody wanted to see Beth off Raw, Beth threatened her (I think she called her a "Greek Barbie Doll") and Santino decided to make a match for the guest hosts with Maria involved. The highlight of this was at the end when Santino told Beth, as she was out of the picture, that when they were intimate he faked his organisms. Dude is funny. Always makes me genuinely laugh at least once or twice every week.
Cody Rhodes d. Ted Dibiase & John Cena in a triple threat (**1/4)
The story was the Legacy boys were teaming up to go after Cena. Like every other one of these matches, that tactic didn't work long term as they tried to steal pins. The funniest part of the match, to me, was Michael Cole trying to throw to commercial while Ted pinned him. Then Ted chucked him out and off we went. I was almost applauding a commercial break that wasn't obvious. Cena got the STF on, Orton showed up at ringside and Michael Cole peed himself yelling "VIPER!" at the top of his lungs. That distracted Cena enough, so Cody rolled up Ted to win. Cena smiled as he backed up. Yes, he lost a match (without getting pinned of course) and he loves it because Legacy was arguing. Rhodes is on Team Raw.
Post match, Nancy the deal maker announced that the main event would be Legacy vs. Cena & Orton.
This week on Smackown: Batista vs. Rey Mysterio. The slow heel turn of Batista continues.
Jack Swagger d. MVP (1/2*)
Hey, they actually mentioned they wrestled at Summerslam. I'm sure this is going to be gr…and it's over. Just like that. Less than three minutes and MVP, who beat Chris Jericho clean about a month ago, loses clean. He's not on the next PPV. I like Swagger, but shit, MVP should be used better than this. I thought they finally started to use MVP the right way and then they did this. Swagger's on Team Raw.
- Time for the weekly Legacy backstage segment. Basically, Orton told them not to think about pinning him and that he would make sure Cena doesn't tag him in. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen.
Kofi Kingston d. Evan Bourne (*)
Another potentially good match that only got about three minutes. You know it's going to be a fast match when, two minutes in, guys are selling moves like they've been in there for 30 minutes. How can they get new stars over when the fans aren't used to them having any matches of significant length? Kofi won with the Trouble in Paradise while Bourne was jumping off the top to provide us with a cool visual ending. See how much Kofi celebrated after the win? He thinks he's getting a push. I don't think he is. Kofi is on Team Raw.
- More comedy with Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger as Nancy and Maria – decked out in a tight outfit with a lovely Greek~! flag on the chest – came in. I don't know what happened. I was bursting in pride (and something else) staring at Maria. I love my girlfriend, but if Maria Menounos-Canton showed up at my door in that outfit we could get married immediately. Anyway, Hunter had some perverted jokes like usual, then Chavo came in asking to be on Team Raw and Hunter basically listened to everything he said, and then had Maria kick him in the balls. Somewhere a university professor that is smoking his pipe and looking at the newspaper to see his stock options watched that segment and thought: "That is not just sophistication; that is art." Chavo has now been beaten up by Hornswoggle, Bob Barker and Maria Canton…err Menounos-Canton. Keep the last name. I don't care. I'll change mine to Menounos, even.
This week on ECW: Christian & Yoshi Stereotype (wait, that's not his last name?) vs. William Regal & Zach Ryder. This match will probably get more time than the five shortest matches on this week's Raw and it 's only a one hour show.
Kelly x2, Gail & Maria Menounos-Canton d. Beth, Alicia & Rosa (1/4*)
Alicia, feel free to plan my wedding with Maria. If we make out, I'll make sure to not have a camera present. As much as I love Maria, the video of her movie looked brutal. If that's one of the funniest clips it's not going to be pretty. Maria did some hair tosses and kicks while in there. She looked better than Rosa ever has. Then again, I'm biased. Kelly got the pin. Does it really matter? No. Beth, have fun on SD. It's the better show.
- The Miz came out, he's wrestling Morrison at Bragging Rights. They're both holding secondary title belts. And no Miz, you're not the best team of the 21st century. Edge and Christian are. Then the Hardy's. He busted out a Richard Simmons reference to mock Morrison. Yeah, because mentioning a gay fitness guru in his 60s is catering to that coveted kids demographic that Vinny Mac loves so much. That's sophistication.
- At Bragging Rights, Team Raw consisting of HHH, Michaels, Show, Rhodes, Kingston, Swagger and Kool-Aid Henry (he beats Masters on Superstars, what a stunner!) take on seven from Smackdown with Jericho being one of them. I have so many questions: Who decided on 7 on 7? Is it an elimination tag? What does the winning team win? Oh right, they get Bragging Rights. As long as nobody reaches their Breaking Point everything will be okay.
Before the main event started, Randy Orton said he just got off the phone with Snoop about next week's main event. Yeah, because when I think of people that are tight with rappers it's the guy that hears voices in his head.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes d. Randy Orton & John Cena (*1/2)
They beat up Cena, he tagged in Orton against Randy's will. Things broke down. Ted pinned Randy to set up his eventual (and probably rushed) face turn. Orton was pissed that he got pinned I guess because the voices in his head like to tell him that he's a winner. A guy that has survived brutal beatings only to still win matches got pinned clean on a rollup after taking zero bumps. Yeah, this wasn't rushed at all. Post match, Cena gave Orton the Attitude Adjustment just to make Orton's terrible night that much worse.
Next week: John Cena vs. Triple H. Here's the finish. Legacy comes out. The Smackdown team comes out. The Raw team saves HHH and Cena. Everybody brawls to end the match in a DQ as the show goes off the air. There. You don't even need to watch.
Oh, and Cena's not losing in the Ironman match. Since My Network TV doesn't even count as a network channel anymore and they don't release ratings there's little chance that Vince is going to put his top guy on that show. That's better, anyway. Don't ruin my Smackdown!
Three Stars of the Show
1. Maria Menounos-Canton – If we're going to be getting married she has to be number one. I'm a good kiss ass husband.
2. Mickie James – I'll miss her on Raw.
3. Santino – The organism line was gold.
Rating: 5 (out of 10)
Last week: 6
Good storyline progression although the show felt rushed in a lot of ways. It was as if they realized they have a PPV to set up in a couple of weeks, and they decided the best way to set it up was to have a bunch of short matches. When you see guys like Cena and Legacy work twice to try to get their angle over it lets you know that things are going too fast. Technically there were 8 matches on this show, 6 of them went under 5 minutes and only one of them went over 10 minutes. I'm not a fan of rushing matches, or having people work more than once.
From a comedy standpoint, a lot of the stuff they did actually worked, which is better than the norm. It's just that there might be a little too much. You don't really sell PPVs with the jokes. You sell them with…yep, you guessed it…a sophisticated product. Right Vince?
------------
Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. We got a record amount of 800 comments, beating the previous record of about 520. The Commentfest is taking on a life of its own The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary. Lots of sophistication comments here. You've been warned. Off we go:
WWE IS MONDAY NIGHT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD!!
All hail Jericho!!! We are not worthy!!! * Bows like Wayne n Garth* (Any Wayne's World reference gets in with me.)
Since when did Jericho start doin' infomercials on Raw? (He can do whatever he wants.)
Oh, Jericho? Nice. Oh, DX? Click.
DX IS HERE AND I AM READY...TO GET SOPHISTICATED...with their sophomoric humor and their glow sticks...cause anyone with an ounce of sophistication knows that is the essence of it.
Sophistication is a t-shirt that says "World's Biggest Member" on the back.
Yes! Opening RAW with a phone call!!! (It's new.)
I would have marked out if Michaels' message was "Believe it or not Shawn isn't at home..." a la George on Seinfeld. (You're comparing WWE comedy to Seinfeld? That's a very high standard.)
If it is unauthorized, why are you endorsing it? Oh sorry, used my brain for a moment.
Big Show's tit is hanging out of his singlet. I wish Kelly Kelly would take a page out of his book.
Way to make people want to watch Smackdown, Hunter. God I really hate that piece of crap! (Yep, what a company guy.)
Ruh Roh Raggy! I see a lover's spat on my screen. (I approve of Scooby Doo references.)
Wait, wait, wait... an opening promo that doesn't begin with the guest hosts, leads right into a match, and involves the promotion of the upcoming pay per view? That's it, who kidnapped the creative team? I'm lookin at you, John! (Hey, I was in the other room...with Mickie.)
Cap'n and Pepsi... just stole a handful of M&Ms from my 2 year old as I needed SOMETHING to absorb some of this! (Then you read the Raw Deal to your two year old just like HHH reads the DX book to his. Right?)
Show is petting Jericho... awesome!
Jericho was thinking, "OH he is so not getting any tonight."
How many weeks has it been since Ted didn't have something wrong with his face?
Is it just me, or does anyone else have a problem with a multi-tag main event at a PPV only one month before Survivor Series? Isn't that THE FUCKING POINT of Survivor Series? (I don't care as long as the Gobbledy Gooker is back.)
Wow Cody, can you really be that thtupid? Like, theriouthly? Jutht becauthe you have a lithp doethen't make you above thtupidity.
Sweet cream on sandwich...thank you for the jiggles Mickie.
If only Jillian Hall could shut up for 10 minutes, she'd be a pretty attractive woman. (I could totally make a joke here insulting women, but I will refrain. See ladies, I love you!)
If Mickie James was blowing Taker like Michelle McCool her title reign would have been longer. (Thanks for posting, Michelle.)
I blame John Canton for this. If he didn't love Mickie Vince wouldn't do this!!!!! (I deserve to be punished. Send me to an island with Mickie James.)
Did Jillian just hump/pin Mickie James. Man that's the only time I wish I was Jillian Hall. (I was very jealous of both women in that spot.)
This is a slow systematic trading cycle to get all Divas away from the groping hands of Batista. I expect this to happen weekly. (Now Mickie's on his show! If he touches her he's dead. One phone call, I swear.)
Ah, the woman's match couldn't go 15 seconds without a botch. . . which is awesome, considering the match was only 15 seconds. . .
Oh I get it.....a Diva trade...from a guest host....which is a one shot deal......wait what?
You wrote about the world titles not meaning anything being being passed around like they are, John. Have a field day with what just happened. (You mean how the divas get passed around from wrestler to wrestler? Oh right, you mean the chick titles. My bad.)
A) Since when can guest GMs make trades?
B) Cole: "This is the shortest Diva's title reign ever." Not hard, considering only 2 people have held the title before tonight.
C) They're trying to catch up the Diva's title to the heavyweight belts in terms of being moved around.
Question: what will the Diva's Title and Batista have in common? Answer: Both will be around something of every Diva on the roster by the end of 2009.
SNOOP NEXT WEEK!!! FO SHIZZLE my Vintagenizzle!!! (Oh dear God I am fearing Michael Cole next week.)
HornBreak Kid
Wrong!? DX + Midgets = Vintage Sophistication!!
Did HBHorny just super kick a card board cut out and proceed to stomp it? How sophisticated.
"Maria's not scared for you." VINTAGE SANTINO!
Did Unibrow just say he faked an organism?
HAHAHA I FUCKING LOVE SANTINO - that's the second week in a row he has made me laugh out loud HAHA ORGANISM!!!
So Mickie loses the title so Melina can come in and win it off someone who we never see on tv... i have a strong feeling Mickie is going to SD which just means i have no reasons left to watch RAW and even more reasons why SD is better!!! (Yep. Add another reason to the list.)
The only thing about Cena that sells is his merchandise.
Michael Cole says "John Cena's in deep trouble". Yeah, sure he is. Give it about 30 seconds, Cole!
Thanks for clearing that up Cole. I figured if one of the legacy boys won they would have gotten a years supply of tupperware. Good thing you explained it to us a third time. (Hey, tupperware is underrated!)
It's supposed to be guy gets thrown to outside then cut to commercial, not cut to commercial and as it's fading to black THEN throw guy to outside. Get it right guys. (Thanks for the notes, director of Raw.)
Next weeks guest host.... Chris Brown with Alicia Fox as Rihanna! (It would make Access Hollywood.)
WWE will try even harder in the future to find even more guest hosts we could care less about. I heard the shortlist is: Damian Demento, The Verizon Guy, MC Hammer, Rosie O'Donnell and the Hanson Brothers.
Every time Michael Cole states the obvious, God kills a kitten.
CENA's getting his shit together for no fucking understandable reason....VINTAGE TATANKA'S NATIVE SPIRITS!
Nancy makes my 5 girlfriends jealous. They all want to beat me. (Thanks for posting, Batista. Only five?)
LETH GO THWAGGER!
Jack Swagger gives me faith that mentally deficient athletes with speech impediments and spray on tans can be on TV.
I'm glad to see that the program w/ Jerishow really paid off for MVP. Nothing says future main-eventer like doing the job for Jack Swagger.
Vintage Viper staring!
We all know who is the A Brand...ECW of course! (And Tiffany's the greatest promo in the history of wrestling.)
Love that move Kofi does when he flies shoulder first into the ropes and bounces himself off...it's freaking great.
You know, whenever I think of Ghana, West Africa (which I do all the time, really), the first things that come to mind are reggae music and green/black/gold clothing. Yup. Nothing but authenticity in WWE.
BEST GREEK FLAG PLACEMENT EVER. (I agree, but the Greek flag never looks bad.)
The Greek flag has never looked better. I mean, I'm saluting. Sort of.
I am going to say Maria is going to suck worse then Jillian did...sorry John. (They are both welcome to suck anything they want as long as they are near me.)
I think Maria Menounos just earned herself a contract...Rosa, you're fired.
A hairdo with abs!!!! Quality once again from The Miz!!!!
Miz epic wins for mentioning John Morrison and Richard Simmons in the same promo and amusing me greatly.
Sure... we're not tired of Cena yet.. put him in two matches tonight!! Ah shoot Vince was listening to my sarcasm but took it seriously.
Hey Randy! Have those voices ever told you to HURRY UP? (Shut up, he's calling Snoop.)
Cena and orton match at Braggin Rights...one hour....Randy Orton walking to the ring...15 minutes....time it will take me to forget the PPV....never...I will be one of many who will not be watching
I love the idea that Randy Orton has Snoop's phone number. I can really see them hanging out. After all, too much pot makes you paranoid too.
I hope Cena has to face Hornswoggle next week. Horny will never lose!
Vintage Michael Cole... using the term rival twenty times for the same match!!
Oh great.....HHH....what a big match.....
CENA vs HHH....SO FRESH!!!!! (And so clean.)
Damn no vintage i guess i will get on YouTube to get my fix. (See how dedicated Michael Cole's fans are?)
Cole and King: OMG!!!! CENA VS HHH!!!
Us: Meh..
Ahh, another sophisticated episode of RAW that I enjoyed while in my bathrobe, sipping some tea and with my legs crossed. And yes, my virginity came back. Thank you Mr. McMahon. (Thanks for posting, Linda McMahon. Good luck on the campaign trail.)
Thanks for the participation as always. You too can join the fun by adding me as a facebook friend (we're nearing 1,000) at Facebook.com/thejohnreport where I'm very active in terms of answering questions or starting discussions usually about pro wrestling.
------
Wow, that was a long one this week. I'll see you on Saturday or Sunday for the Talking Smack column and also for my weekly NFL picks at Sportsoratory.com, which should be posted early Friday. And check us out at the Oratory for more wrestling columns as well as plenty of MMA coverage including a weekly Ultimate Fighter rundown among other things.
Thanks for reading. Have a great week.
Smell ya later,
John Canton - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
AOLIM: OratorJC (This is the one I'm on the most.)
MSN: oratoryjohn@hotmail.com - Do not email me here! Will not be read!
Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.
