Welcome to the Talking Smack column where I offer up a quick rundown of WWE's Friday broadcast, Smackdown. We've got a Smackdown version of Commentfest coming at ya this week, but first I need to plug something very important.
I'm running a tournament on my blog called "The Greatest WrestleMania Match Ever" featuring what I feel is a fair way to determine the best WrestleMania match ever. There will be polls every day starting today (Saturday) through to WrestleMania on the 28th. Here's the introductory post and here's the link to the first four matchups that are already open for voting. You can follow every day only at thejohnreport.net over the next two weeks. The arguments are already heating up and the polls have only been open for a few hours by now.
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Taped from Seattle, Washington let's talk some smack…
The show started with Rey Mysterio coming out with his family including his wife Angie, his son Dominick (you might remember him from the Eddie/Rey angle from 2005) and his daughter Aaliyah, who is celebrating her 9th birthday. Rey's son is already taller than him. He sings happy birthday to her and the crowd joins in. How cute…until CM Punk, Luke Gallows & Serena come out. Awesome. Punk started singing "Happy Birthday" to massive heel heat. Mysterio put his family behind him to shield them from Punk, but he told Rey not to worry. Punk came out to challenge Rey at WrestleMania and also right now, but Rey didn't think it was the right time. Punk to Rey's daughter: "I'll let you shut your eyes while I reduce your daddy to tears and make him beg for my mercy." It carried on that way until Rey got his family out of there. I don't think my words can do justice to how awesome Punk was. He was the sadistic, heartless heel while Rey appeared admirable in not wanting to fight while his family was out there with him. Also, Rey's daughter did a great job of being scared. Although the match for WrestleMania wasn't officially announced, you can expect it to be next week.
After the commercial, Grisham & Striker talked about the previous segment using SERIOUS VOICES~! to get over how sick CM Punk is. You know it's serious when they bust out the voices.
R-Truth d. The Miz (*3/4)
Miz had Daniel Bryan with him while Truth had Otunga with him. Miz talked about how he was going to beat Truth and Show was going to beat Morrison later. I love how the announcers are trying to put over how Show & Miz have a huge advantage because they've been teaming longer. Wow, two months as a team. What a unit. They went about six minutes, Miz tried to use the ropes to cheat, but Bryan pushed his feet off to a huge pop. Great to hear. Love how they're building Miz vs. Bryan. Truth's flying forearm finisher is called the Lie Detector? I had no idea. Not a great name, but whatever.
Later tonight for the first time in two years is Jericho's Highlight Reel with Edge as a guest. We don't need the Highlight Reel because he gets promo time every week anyway.
How is "Be Yourself" by Audioslave a WrestleMania theme song? Every time I hear it I'm reminded of the Diva Search that Ashley won in 2005. I don't need memories of that.
Wow, they upgraded the HBK/Taker video package again by inserting comments from wrestlers. I think that's great because it's important for fans to know that other wrestlers think so highly of this match too. Also, hearing "Ain't No Grave" by Johnny Cash had me putting a bunch of Cash songs on my IPod lately. I love JC. I mean him, not myself.
Backstage, Drew McIntyre bumped into Teddy Long and was told he'll be in his 3rd Money in the Bank qualifying match because Mr. McMahon erased the losses from his record. Long told him that if he lost this time he'd lose the IC title too. In other words, that's wrestling speak for he's not losing this time.
Drew McIntyre d. Aaron Bolo (SQUASH)
They introduced Bolo as a wrestling champion from Washington, which is probably BS. He looked like he tanned his body from his chest down, but not his face. Weird. Drew won with the Future Shock DDT in less than a minute. He went to Striker to make sure he told the world that he's going to WrestleMania.
I'm officially picking McIntyre to win Money in the Bank. It's him or Christian, but I'm going with Drew. I wouldn't be surprised if he cashed the briefcase in on the night of WrestleMania to win the WWE or World Title either. That's how much WWE likes him right now.
Big Show d. John Morrison (**)
Show was on offense early, talking a lot of junk and then Morrison came back strong. This match showed why John Morrison deserves a push up the roster as a babyface. He really sold the beating well, then he came back with realistic offensive moves using his God given athletic ability. I really hope that rumors of his heel turn don't come to fruition. Morrison had Show down, so he leapt off the ropes, went for the Flying Chuck kick, but as he turned around he got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT~! by the Big Show's right hand at the 5 minute mark. I don't know if they added the sound effect post production, but it sounded great. That's why I love it as a finish. It hits and you know it's over. Simple.
They plugged the Women's History Month stuff on WWE.com, which is mostly good. They have a list of the top 25 Divas in company history. It's pretty fair except there's no Victoria on there since she's in TNA.
Backstage, smiling Tiffany talked with Teddy about Mickie. Mickie who? I barely know who that is. Anyway, she'll be back soon, but tonight Tiffany has to wrestle according to Vickie Guerrero. She'll be against Michelle McCool.
The Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme ended in an Undertaker beating
They went about a minute before the lights went out and Undertaker beat up all four guys. He busted out a chokeslam, Tombstone, Hell's Gate and Last Ride. It's nice that they finally put over Undertaker. About time. (That's sarcasm, people.) I really don't have a problem with this. I just wish the Hart Dynasty was used better, which is to say used at all.
They mentioned Monday's Raw with Steve Austin as host. I'm very excited for that as well as Jericho/Michaels. Should be a great Raw this week. I have high hopes.
Michelle McCool vs. Tiffany ended in a DQ (*)
Tiffany has to have the worst music in WWE. No question. Even the Bellas music is better. This was pretty good with Tiffany on the aggressive. She really went at McCool, kicking her out of the ring and attacking her on the floor. She threw her into the barricade. Then OUT OF NOWHERE~! (wait that's the other show) Vickie Guerrero knocked her over with a shoulderblock type move to cause the DQ finish. The heels beat up on Tiffany only for Beth Phoenix to come out and clean house. She thought about it for a second before she eventually clotheslined Vickie to the ground. That got a huge pop. Fans really hate Vickie. To end the segment, Beth patted Tiffany on the head basically saying "good job, kid." This segment worked really well. I liked Tiffany's fire while the use of Beth was perfect. I can see a tag happening next week. I'm not sure when Mickie will be back, but it's hopefully before Mania.
Kane vs. Luke Gallows ended in a DQ (*1/2)
It was fine. Nothing to get excited about although both guys worked really hard. I enjoy Kane matches so much more when he's working against a smaller guy, though. I'm sure Vince enjoyed the hoss-fest, though. It was funny when Striker said Gallows was like a Bizarro Kane because when they did that stupid "Fake Kane" angle it was Gallows that was under the Kane mask. Glad they dropped that angle before it could play out. Remember when he just beat him up, pushed him out the door with the "EXIT" sign and it just ended there? Good way to end a shitty storyline. Anyway, Kane hit the chokeslam, but Punk interfered for the DQ. Punk dropped Kane with the GTS as well. Post match, Mysterio came out to brawl with Punk. I liked this. It was a fight, not a bunch of moves in the ring. No 619 here. It was Rey punching the guy for his family. That's what it needed to be. It spilled into the crowd before it was broken up. Hey, Dean Malenko! He should have busted out the Texas Cloverleaf.
On a semi related note, I have to say Serena does a good job as part of the SES. You know what would be better? If she busted out some Lita style clothes from her heel run in 2006. That would be lovely. I'm loving the women of SD right now. Way more than the ones on Raw.
Main Event Promo: Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel with Edge
I remember being at a TV taping a few years back where the main event was Batista as a guest on Edge's Cutting Edge show. Not what I want to see as the main even though there was a dark match. In this case it was good stuff because these are two of the best in the business especially on the microphone. The crowd started chanting "spear" before they even were told to do it, so I guess you could say that chant is getting over. They talked about how Jericho was wrestling Michaels @ WM19 while Edge was hurt. Same with WM20. Edge pointed out that Jericho lost both of those matches. Edge mentioned that he gets injured because he takes risks, which is a good point to the promo because it makes fans admire a guy more for admitting that he takes risks. Funniest part came when Jericho said Edge's only successful time was when he was with Vickie while Edge countered by saying Jericho had a girlfriend he regretted too…the Big Show. Lots of laughs for that. Jericho said Edge is probably injured right now and he's guaranteeing that he will beat him. Edge said he'll win the belt and he'll do it with the spear. Right on cue, Jericho dropped him with a microphone shot to the head. He beat him up with the chairs too. Jericho tried to throw him headfirst into the obscenely expensive JeriTron (I miss those days), but Edge escaped. He set up for the spear except this week he didn't connect because Jericho CRUSHED HIM with the World Title to the head. Awesome spot. Jericho mocked the spear chant to end the show while Edge was feeling the pain of the shot to the head.
I liked the promo. They really did a good job of getting the personalities over with Jericho being overconfident like usual while Edge had a lot of trust in the Spear. It was also good to see Jericho finally get the upper hand to make it a more even build. I can see Jericho retaining at WrestleMania leading to a rematch at Extreme Rules that Edge wins although there are lot of scenarios that could happen. Maybe Edge wins the belt only to lose it minutes later to Drew McIntyre (or better yet, Christian) cashing in the briefcase? There are lots of ways that this could go, which is why I like it so much.
Three Stars of the Show
1. CM Punk - That promo was fantastic. He's a heel God right now.
2. Rey Mysterio - Not much of a singer, but I liked the brawl with Punk.
3. Chris Jericho - Strong promo as always.
6.5 out of 10
Last week: 6.5
I wasn't feeling the matches this week. There were two DQs, a no contest and a squash. Not what I expect on Smackdown every week. They did a good job in progressing the Edge/Jericho and Punk/Mysterio feuds, though. The tag title feud featured two matches although there was no interaction by either team. Overall, it was still an above average show, but it was a level below the greatness that I usually expect from Smackdown.
Here's the poll to vote on the show on the vintage 1-10 scale:
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I brought back Commentfest for Smackdown for my Facebook friends. Their thoughts will be in blue while mine will be in brackets following them when needed.
Smackdown commentfest is the CM Punk of commentfest. Raw commentfest is just an enabler to the 'vintage' crap that Raw pukes out. We at the Smackdown commentfest have accepted Smackdown into our lives as the only WWE brand worth watching. No midgets, no titty dancing, no Bella whores, no Gramptista or John 'The only thing louder than my promo's is my shirt' Cena. We are Smackdown Commentfest, which means we are better than you. Also, you should all go Straight Edge. Stay classy.
WWE Smackdown. The ONLY wrestling show on prime time tv that is "vintage" free.
Damn I love not having 1 minute matches and guest hosts and that douchenozzle Cole and midgets on Friday nights...
Rey, no offense, but don't quit your day job. You can't carry a tune in a wheel barrow.
Punk is gonna make Rey squeel like a pig in front of his kids? Is he really kinky or has he not seen "Deliverance?"
Parents should hire Punk and his traveling Straight Edge Society for birthdays, bar mitzvahs and all occasions! Screw Clowns. (I agree. Especially with the Screw Clowns part. Nobody likes clowns.)
Now Punk's on his knees...if my gf wakes up she's gonna think I'm watching gay porn again!
CM Punk is the best heel in god knows how long. I mean, Edge is good, but Punk has the edge because of his promos. Plus he has that beard. (Beards are evil. Just look at Lincoln.)
GREAT promo mentee. Now get to the back so nothing bad happens! Because lord knows, you're gonna get 619'd! RUN!
And was anyone else a bit creeped out by CM Punk singing Happy Birthday to Rey's daughter? Forget Christian, we have a new Creepy Little Bastard.
SERIOUS VOICES @7:17 CT
1. SERIOUS VOICES from Striker and Grisham. 2. Striker is WAY too dramatic. 3. does Serena's chest get bigger and bigger each week? I'm not complaining. (I barely noticed. Really. I look at her...um...eyes. Yeah, eyes. They're so colorful.)
YAY. K Kwik wins one. (That's excitement.)
Why is Daniel Bryan dressed like Steve Martin in The Jerk? One dollar and NINE CENTS! (I like that movie!)
So the Cutting Edge return, The Highlight Reel returns. What's next, The Peep Show? Carlito's Cabana? How about Pipers Pit! (Carlito? That's crazy talk.)
Maybe they will debut a new show to top them all...the Kool Aid Hour with Mark Henry and MVP. (I hate spoilers.)
It's local jobber Aaron Bolo, who's family invented the bolo tie.
I was expecting the Brooklyn Brawler to be Drew's opponent.
When I heard "hand-picked opponent for Drew McIntyre" was I the only one thinking "Jimmy Wang Yang"? (I think Jimmy thought the same thing.)
Cryme Tyme is out. Quick, cameramen! Find the whitest kids possible dancing so they get made fun of at school Monday!
So Taker beats down 4 guys this suggests that Taker thinks HBK has the power of 4 guys?! I think he got confused with Super Cena!
KTFO 8:00 Central!
KTFO! 1:29am UK
Damn high school girls basketball! Why the hell are they airing this! Stop pre empting my beloved smackdown! Oh god...I'm feening...I need my vickie fix...someone yell excuse me please! (Poor Vickie guy.)
Vickie pwned Tiff. Someone call McIntrye and tell him that Tiff is undefeated also.
If Tiffany wears outfits like this every week, she may be my new favorite.
I might go to hell for this comment, but the cross has never looked as good as it does on Michelle McCool's chest. (Bless you, child.)
Vickie saw a phantom Hostess Cupcake. She just dove for it, forgetting a match was going on.
So now that smackdowns commentfest is back...I...OFFICIALLY claim Vickie Guerrero...and as long as alicia fox isn't our wedding planner things will stay that way. (I don't think you'll have much competition.)
Guerrero Running shoulder tackle by vickie! Maybe she's gonna get in the ring....vickie vs beth @ WM26 I call it. (That's The Vickie Guy enjoying VG's performance.)
OH SHNAPPLE BETH FUCKING PHOENIX
It's the Big Red Retard against the Cornfed Collosus! MTFO! (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)
Luke Gallows career or being fake Kane will continue this summer when he stars in 'See No Evil 2: European Giggalo'. Straight edge to DVD!
Festus > Kane.
Does anyone know where I can find the nearest Jericho-holics Anonymous meeting?
Has Jericho bought a new Jeritron 5000? Or is it a new 6000 model Full 3D HD LED Bluray HDMI compatible. You know HBK liked the old so much. (I wish I knew the answer.)
In all seriousness SD is too good for commentfest. There's not all that much to shit on...I'm going to bed.
I'm realizing why Commentfest may not be as popular for Smackdown. No guest hosts. No stupid comedy sketches. No Michael Cole. "Vintage" is verboten. Fewer promos. Better promos. Better Wrestling. (Pretty much. Plus the whole taped show thing on the worst TV night of the week.)
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In case you missed it, there was plenty of new content on my blog this week:
- My thoughts on the March 8th edition of Impact where I felt that TNA had the potential to do something great, but they failed in a number of different ways.
- I posted a recap of WrestleMania 21, which is the second best WM ever in my opinion (after 17). I've added in some updated commentary to it, so check it out.
Keep checking me out on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport where I now have over 800 followers. Once I hit 1000, I'll write a column about the 100 greatest WWE matches from 2000 to 2009.
Remember to check out my blog at its new URL at thejohnreport.net for all my columns, plus the greatest WrestleMania match ever tournament and other forms of wrestling entertainment you won't get anywhere else.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend.
John Canton - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
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