The Raw Deal was live tonight at thejohnreport.net. In promoting the event WWE says this: "A feat so monumental it's never been done before." The 900th episode. I guess you could say the same about many of them. I just don't know what is so record breaking about 900 other than the fact that it's an even number.
Live from Boston, Massachusetts this is the Raw Deal…
They showed a lot of clips of Raw's history over the last 17 years. Hey, the HHH return in 2002 is in there. So is Jericho's debut. The "record breaking" thing confuses me. It is the longest running weekly episodic show. Of course shows like Meet The Press and 60 Minutes have been on longer, but they are not episodic. Raw is. So I don't hate the claim, but the whole "record breaking" is weird. At least it should be a good crowd in Boston, which is one of the best cities that WWE visits.
We start with Bret Hart. God, the announcers are annoying with all the longest running episodic and "record breaking" stuff. Imagine if you did a shot every time you heard that? Bret says there's only one person that was on the roster with him back when Raw started in 1993 and that's the Undertaker. He was about to call out Undertaker when Kane's music hit.
"The Undertaker" says Kane, "there is no Undertaker anymore thanks to me physically decimating him and leaving him to rot in a vegetative state." Hey, vegetative state makes an appearance. Nice Undertaker chant by the Boston crowd. If he comes out to Michelle McCool's music I'll really mark out. Kane says Undertaker's like Bret in that he's weak, feeble, scraggly, over the hill - irreversibly damaged. Remember when Kane couldn't talk? Are we allowed to remember that Kane couldn't talk? Kane says the last time Undertaker was himself was when he retired HBK, which Bret probably loved. Bret says that what he will savor is when Undertaker beats Kane. Oh yeah, Kane tells us his goal was to prove that he was the "devil's favorite demon." There they go putting over the devil. Kane says Undertaker took out an icon in HBK so Kane has to take out Bret Hart. And there are my boys The Hart Dynasty to save Bret. They fly off Kane like jobbers. Kane chokes Bret, the lights go out, the gong hits and Undertaker's facing off with Kane. Have to say HUGE pop for Undertaker there. And he came out to his own music, sorry Michelle. Kane bails to the jeers of the crowd.
Email from the GM: "And I quote…" In honor of the 900th episode of Raw the GM is making a main event marking this historic event: Undertaker vs. Bret Hart. I loved that match…13 years ago. So much for the GM not wanting to use Bret ever again, right? My bad for remembering a couple weeks ago, I guess.
Episode #1 Raw flashback. It was a much worse product back then, trust me. I'd say 1993 was one of the worst years in company history although it did start Raw.
(Commercial)
Episode #279 Austin rides the zamboni on September 28, 1998 to clothesline Vince McMahon. Man, that only reminds me of how great Raw was in that time period. Listen to that crowd too. It's ridiculous.
Kofi Kingston & Michael McGillicutty vs. The Miz & Alex Riley vs. Daniel Bryan & Kaval
Man, the Bryan/Kaval team is an internet fan dream team with Cole acknowledging it. Haha. There are three guys in the ring at once with the other three on the apron. The crowd reacted nicely to Bryan, which of course is a great sign. Nice offense by Kofi. I think Riley's winning NXT. Either him or Kaval. I don't think it even matters though because as season one proved they're all going to make the main roster soon anyway. Double crossbody KO spot with Kofi & Bryan leading to the hot tag. It's only two minutes into the match, so you know it's going short. Nice two count from McGillicutty, who has one of the worst last names in the company. Double foot stomp off the top by Kaval on MM. Miz sneaks up from behind and hits Kaval with the Skull Crushing Finale. He gets the pinfall. It was about 4 minutes.
Winners: The Miz & Alex Riley
Post match, Riley distracted Bryan, who kicked Riley out of the ring. Miz snuck up from behind and KO'd Bryan with the briefcase.
Analysis *1/2 Like I expect on this show it was a short match. They're going to try to stick in as many people as they can in order to make it more special. I would have loved to see this match on Smackdown where they would have got 12-15 minutes. Oh well. The crowd was definitely hot for everything. Miz is getting that superstar pop that main eventers are getting.
Later: Bret vs. Undertaker and Cena, Orton, Sheamus, Edge & Jericho vs. Nexus in a 5 on 5 elimination match.
(Commercial)
Check me out on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport where I post daily, have a lot of fun and interact with various people in wrestling. Some of my posts might be sarcastic. Some. Not all.
In the ring, Michelle McCool & Layla were in the ring ready for a tag match. Their opponents are Eve & Melina.
Melina & Eve vs. Michelle McCool & Layla
I miss Melina entrances when the company wasn't PG. That was epic. The announcers talked about how long it would take Jersey Shore to reach 900 episodes. Yes, this really happened. Wow, Melina won with a rollup on Layla. Eve didn't even enter the match. It was about a minute. So the 900th Raw featured a 1 minute divas match that was shorter than the entrances.
Winners: Melina & Eve
Post match, Michelle & Layla busted out their annoying voices to taunt Melina. They want to unify the Women's & Divas titles. One of them versus Melina. They call her "Chica Wawa." Melina says they'll do the match only if it's a Lumberjack (or Lumberjill) match. Laycool says fine. Then the other divas come out. Oh no, the intimidating Bella Twins. Scary!
Raw Moment: #889 is June 7 2010 when Nexus beat the crap out of John Cena. No tie choking in the clip.
Backstage, Nexus talked. They were arguing about Young being gone and Sheffield having a broken ankle (he's not there). Barrett calms them down and says they'll do something to keep them going. I'm thinking HHH returns tonight to lead Nexus. We'll see. I thought that at Summerslam too.
(Commercial)
Raw Moment #850 September 7 2009 is Bob Barber hosting. "Now Chris - happy boy, what do you bid?" Classic Barker/Jericho confrontation.
Backstage, Jericho spoke. Shut up and listen people. He says he's the best in the world because it's true, not to sell t-shirts. He had an epiphany and said if he doesn't win the title at Night of Champions then he's gone. Mathews says he's been kicked off many times, Jericho says "you think I'm joking?" Chris said he's going to prove to Nexus and the hypocrites watching (not me, he means you people) that he's the best in the world at he does. Jericho's contract is up right after Night of Champions and to this point he hasn't signed a new deal as far as I know. I assume he will, but you never know. I sure hope he does!
John Morrison & R-Truth are out to work a tag match for the #1 contendership to the tag titles. The announcers talked about how Survivor needs to be on for 40 some years to have as many episodes as Raw. Of course Survivor also has about 4 times as many viewers as Raw. They don't mention that. It's called selective editing. I love Cole ripping on Truth's entrance. It's so random to go after him, but it's hilarious too.
(Commercial)
Yes! Dashing Cody Rhodes. Love this guy. His partner is Drew McIntyre. They've had an alliance on Smackdown. Since the tag champs are the Hart Dynasty I think it's likely that McIntyre/Rhodes will win this.
John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre & Cody Rhodes
Wow, Cole with a JR reference calling it a slobberknocker. Lawler was reminiscing too. Man, JR works for WWE and they won't even put him on this show. That's a damn shame considering all he's done for WWE both on screen as well as behind the scenes. Those kinds of things piss me off. Wow, all four guys start brawling a minute in and the match gets thrown out. It went about 30 seconds.
Analysis: No result. I'm assuming we'll get a longer match on Smackdown.
Undertaker vs. Bret is next.
I think we've had about 4 minutes of total in ring action after 53 minutes. I wasn't expecting a wrestling heavy show anyway.
(Commercial)
The Did You Know was that same Jersey Shore stat. They love that one, huh?
Raw moment Episode #867 January 4, 2010. Bret & Shawn hug. I MARKED THE FUCK OUT. My favorite moment of this year. No doubt.
The announcers keep going on about the longevity of Raw. Of course shows like 60 Minutes and Meet The Press have been on forever. However, they are not episodic like Raw is. They are on every week, though. The Simpsons have been on for over 20 years yet they only do about 22 new ones per year, so again Raw's longer in terms of total new episodes although not in terms of years on the air.
Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker
No idea how they'll book this.
And right on cue here's Wade Barrett. He says they don't want to talk about two legends. They want to talk about the future, which is Nexus. He goes right after Undertaker in order to do something unforgettable. Big boot by Taker leads to a "vintage Undertaker" by Cole. Now the lights go out for some reason. And here's Kane. He brawls with Undertaker. Undertaker chokes him. Lights out again, gong hits. And Kane's gone. Who is working the lightswitch? The Devil!
And now the rest of Nexus, which is only four dudes at this point, come out to surround Undertaker. He doesn't look so vegetative now, does he? He chokes Barrett, the gong hits, the lights go out and Barrett hits his finish, Waste Land, on Undertaker. Justin Gabriel ends the beating with the 450 Splash. So is the Undertaker vegetative again? I told you he should have came out to Michelle McCool's music. It would have inspired him! But no, the Devil working the light switch dominated him here. Way to put the Devil over.
Why do they keep advertising Bret Hart in matches? Everybody knows he can't wrestle. Oh right, because they assume we're all idiots. I forgot, fella.
(Commercial)
"Moments ago we were expecting an epic confrontation with Bret Hart and Undertaker," says Cole. And I expected to win the lottery. Tough shit. Recap of the beating on Undertaker. But don't worry Undertaker, Nexus is exclusive to Raw. You'll never get revenge on them again. Apparently what this meant is that Kane has "Undertaker powers" now.
Jack Swagger comes out to talk. He says he's a conquering hero coming back to Raw because he was a World Champion on Smackdown. And he's barely been used on Smackdown in the last month.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
The announcers pointed out Raw having over 600 more episodes than Friends. Yes because Friends is a TV show with a script and actors that requires post-production. Raw is live. And 30 seconds into the match we get an interruption…Alberto Del Rio! Michael Cole loves him. In the ring, Bourne and Swagger are still wrestling. I guess they are staying in there so they can get beat up by Del Rio. They're cool like that. Bourne goes up top for the Air Bourne, he misses, Swagger goes to the ankle and puts on the Ankle Lock for the tapout win. Match was about 2 minutes.
Analysis: * Having Del Rio come out during the match took all the attention away. Why is Evan Bourne such a jobber after having that push a couple months back?
ADR (that's Del Rio) talks about how Rey Mysterio won't be there because of him. He says the audience from Raw didn't see Smackdown. What, so WWE fans only watch one show now? So he's going to recreate it for us. It's Evan Bourne. He puts him in the armbar and then kicks him out of the ring. He grabs a chair. It's Mark Henry. KOOL-AID~! alert! Mark is back in the bright red. He scares Del Rio away and he escapes up the ramp. "Come do it to me" says KOOL-AID~! man.
Cool video package highlighting WWE's trip to China.
They hyped the big five on five tag team main event. I'm assuming that match will get some time although who knows. They hyped that Nexus promised something unforgettable, which again makes me think it's the return of HHH.
(Commercial)
Raw flashback episode #331 September 27, 1999 is "Rock This is Your Life." The most watched segment in Raw history. Huge ratings. They went about 25 minutes straight without a commercial. They would have to really edit the comments to make it PG if they showed the whole thing.
Hey, it's CM Punk. Good. Luke Gallows and Joey Mercury are with him too. No Serena because she knows how to wrestle and they don't need people like that anymore. "Do you know who I'm better than? The Rock. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't make crappy movies like The Tooth Fairy." Cue Rock rumors. Do you people miss The Rock on Monday Night Raw, asks Punk? He doesn't miss him. He says Raw's been promoting poor family values, says he's got two words for us, crowd yells "suck it" and he says "Katie Vick" instead. Tells us to youtube it. Um, that's not a PG moment. It was absolutely brutal. The worst segment in the history of Raw and that's saying something. Now he's going to show us four of Raw's worst moments.
Exhibit A: HHH beats up Orton in his house March 2009. God, I hated that feud.
Exhibit B: Edge and Cena fighting outside the harbor with Cena throwing Edge in the water. August 2006. That actually happened on Smackdown about a month ago.
Exhibit C: April 1998 DX invades WCW. This was pretty awesome. A huge deal at the time and a big move by WWE in the Monday night war.
Exhibit D: March 1999 Austin with the beer bath on the McMahons and The Rock. Vince swimming in the beer is classic. Maybe the best Raw moment ever.
Punk taunts us saying the fans would love Steve Austin to come down the ramp to spray CM Punk with beer. And the glass breaks! STONE COLD! Or is it? It's not him. Punk starts laughing on the mat. Ha. He says he feels that disappointed when he sees the fans. He's not sorry he made us feel that way. He's happy we're disappointed. One more clip. From Smackdown.
Episode 199 of Smackdown from June 12, 2003 when Lesnar superplexed Big Show and the ring exploded.
Big Show comes out. He tells a story of the tainted burrito that Eddie Guerrero gave him and it caused him chronic diarrhea. Nice "Eddie" chant! He even mentions the Sumo match with Akebono. Or the embarrassing moment where he was kissing Vickie Guerrero. Show gives us a SES inspiration…mixing it with Hulk Hogan. I'm sure Dixie Carter is going to tweet about how WWE watches TNA now. "That was boring. You're not funny and nobody likes you," says CM Punk. "That was mean" says Show. This is PG dissing. No high fives because there's nothing high about the SES. "I'm not high, I'm just tall," says Big Show. They tried for funny, but it didn't really work. He cleaned house of the SES to end the segment.
I thought Punk was fantastic in this segment. He almost saved this mostly poor show. Great delivery, the material was good and he was clearly on his game. It's a shame he's not being pushed stronger because he's as good as anybody on the roster.
(Commercial)
Did You Know? Raw has aired 256 more episodes than Monday Night Football. It's because the NFL season is 17 weeks long. It's not like it's been on TV as many years. I mean it's true. Selective editing, though. And they mention more TV shows that they run down.
Raw flashback: #450 January 7, 2002 when HHH comes back to Raw in MSG. Hey, Kurt Angle. Now seeing Kurt Angle tonight would make me give a shit.
Sheamus comes out to do an interview. He mentions HHH and that he's not coming back ever. Or he's coming back tonight since they've just done two HHH references in a row. "The only real Irishman in this city is me," says Sheamus. He bitches about having to team with four of his opponents in the Six Pack Challenge. He says he's been discriminated. Cue Edge. "You're giving me a headache, fella." Edge says he's experienced it all on Raw. He talks about how he's won 29 championships in WWE, the Rumble, the King of the Ring and the first MITB winner. And he says he's going to win the Six Pack Challenge. Ha, he calls him Beaker. Good reference. And now he goes to the ring.
It's 10:48pm and we're about to start the 5 on 5 match. Hey, it might get ten minutes. Crazy.
(Commercial)
Flashback to last week where we got the Six Pack Challenge announcement.
Edge, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, David Otunga, Heath Slater & Michael Tarver
So if WWE loses this one will the company be okay or will it be dead like we were told at Summerslam? I still don't know what would have happened if they lost at Summerslam. Nexus comes out. And we go to another commercial at 10:56pm. Odd.
(Commercial)
It's 11pm as they are starting the main event. Usually Raw goes off the air at 11:07pm, so either they run longer than that or we are going to get a screwed up finish. Nice "Y2J" chant. Jericho walks out for the countout loss while smiling. Oh no, the WWE might end now! Oh wait, I guess that was only Summerslam. It's Edge against Tarver. Edge shoves the ref. He gets DQ'd to be eliminated from the match. They know this show has sucked, so they eliminated themselves. Smart Canadians! Cena's in his home arena and his pop isn't that much bigger than normal. He tags in Sheamus to work on Tarver. He brings in Wendy aka Heath Slater. Now Otunga comes in. Hey, Sheamus just took the Bret Hart chest bump into the turnbuckle. Not as good as when Bret did it, of course.
We're at 11:06 with only two eliminations. I guess we're running long here. Gabriel hit a cheap shot on Sheamus and Wendy pinned him after he hit his move that looks like the Zig Zag. Sheamus is out. So it's Orton & Cena versus five guys. Cena pinned Wendy after about 30 seconds. Here comes Barrett.
They worked over Cena for a while, he came back and submitted Otunga with the STF. As soon as that was over, Gabriel hit the 450 and pinned Cena. Orton comes in, he hits a RKO on Gabriel and then Tarver as well. Then Barrett comes in, hits the Waste Land and then Orton is done. Randy Orton lost after one move. Yes, you're trying to tell us he's a potential World Champion, yet he lost after one move. It went about 12 minutes.
Winners: The Nexus
Analysis: *1/2 This match was slow at the start and then incredibly rushed at the end with five eliminations in less than a minute.
Apparently this ending leads to Cole saying this is the unforgettable night that Nexus promised. I mean I guess they won, but unforgettable? Really? Thanks for being part of history, says Cole. What history? Why is 900 more significant than 891 or 847 if they had the "longest running episodic" record a long time ago. I still don't understand.
Three Stars of the Show
1. CM Punk - He was fantastic.
2. Wade Barrett - Pushed hard, but I don't know if it accomplished much.
3. The Rock/Foley flashback.
Worst Moment of the Week
The complete burial of that Swagger/Bourne match by having Del Rio come out. I like Swagger and Bourne. They deserve better.
4 out of 10
Last week: 6
This is one of those shows that needed to be three hours because they crammed so much stuff in two hours that it didn't work. It led to some ridiculously short matches and rushed segments that hurt the overall show. Also, is there a PPV in a few weeks? All we know about is the Six Pack Challenge main event. Oh and the Divas Title vs. Women's Title match, which might get about three minutes on a PPV. Thrilling.
The lack of actual wrestling was not surprising, but it's still disappointing. It would have been a terrible show to see live because there wasn't a whole lot that went on. The crowd tried hard to get things going, but they couldn't save it.
The best part of the show was CM Punk. It's a damn shame that he's not in a more prominent feud.
I think my 4 was generous. Blame the KOOL-AID~! I guess.
Hey assholes, stop putting Bret Hart in matches. He can't wrestle anymore. We get it. I've had enough with the mock matches.
"You're giving me a headache, fella." Indeed.
------------
Keep checking out thejohnreport.net for exclusive articles that are only posted on my blog. We have recaps of Raw, Smackdown, NXT, Superstars and TNA Impact, so give us a look.
Thanks for reading.
John Canton - john@thejohnreport.net
Visit the blog: thejohnreport.net
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreportnet
and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.
