Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that are still wondering what the criteria for a promotion being "championship wrestling" is, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we take one of our too rare trips back in time to the days of the ancient WCW dynasty to review WCW Uncensored 1996. Now, if you've seen this show, you probably know exactly why it is that we are going to be reviewing it here today, but if you haven't, you are in for an incredible treat. For this show might contain the most preposterous match in all of wrestling history. I won't spoil the surprise, (and hands off Wikipedia you spoilers,) but believe me when I tell you that the match in question has so much insanity associated that I won't even be able to list the people in it without bursting out laughing. And that's just one match! Who knows what the rest of the show may have to offer in these wild and legendary days before the fall of WCW. Will we see classic matches given 5 minutes? Will we see more mullets than a Billy Ray Cyrus house of mirrors? And will I be able to get through the main event without laughing to death? There's only one way to find out.
So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Welcome back to 1996. Everything is denim, Tamagotchis are running wild, and your childhood heroes all still have their original hair. And in the wrestling world, war has been declared. Tasked with bringing down a the near monopoly of the WWF, Eric Bischoff has marshaled his forces and is attacked them head on, using every tactic imaginable. The primary weapon at Bischoff's disposal is a collection of former WWF talent who have defected to WCW and have given him the leverage to promote huge matches that fans have been dying to see for years. WCW has gained ground, but is still missing that one special thing that will really put them in the fight. They'll acquire it later this year at Bash at the Beach when Hulk Hogan will turn heel and ignite the wrestling world. But unfortunately that isn't until July. This is March. And instead of being part of a revolutionary moment of awesomeness, Hulk Hogan and his fellow WWF departees are doing...this.
The major storyline here features basically every heel in the entire company joining together to get rid of Hulk Hogan, because he's such an asshole. Of everyone in the entire company, only Randy Savage has taken Hogan's side, though you'd never know it, since he isn't mentioned by name or shown in any of the ads or promos building to this show. So tonight, the Alliance To End Hulkamania is going to face Hulk and Randy in a gigantic cage monstrosity, theoretically so that they can murder him and hide his body before the camera can figure out where in the structure they are. It's a 2 on 8 handicap cage match. Because why wouldn't it be?
As we go through this show, I want you to understand that 1 year after this, WCW will be the biggest wrestling company in the world, and the man behind these matches will be sitting on motorcycles toasting his own success. So I guess what I'm saying is that karma is bullshit. This show has gone down in history as perhaps the single worst PPV ever produced by a major wrestling company. Wondering how that could be possible with much of the same talent that will later rule the world? Well let's see how long it takes for that to become clear...
Cewsh: Wait, really? The awfulness starts here? In a Guerrero match?
Eddie Guerrero is about as good as it is possible for a professional wrestler can be, and Konnan can be a lot of fun in the right kind of match. They're both veterans of many lucha libre main events, and know each other extremely well. From all of that, you might imagine that they are guaranteed to have a compelling match, or that they'll at least be able to make each other look good. Unfortunately, when we're dealing with a guy who kept a mullet well into the 00s, and, well, Konnan; what looking good is kind of off the menu.
The big problem here is that this is the part of his career where Eddie Guerrero had no personality whatsoever, and where Konnan was trying to convince everyone that he was a babyface. It's a perfect storm of blandness, and this is really the only time in both guy's careers where it wasn't a welcome sight to see them come to the ring. So that's the big problem. The medium sized problem is that this match blooooooows. Konnan seems to be going for some kind of record in the field of botches, and Eddie is just along for the ride in one of those rare matches where he doesn't seem to give much of a shit either way. This extends all the way through to the finish, which is so baffling that I have to show it to you.
That looks like basically a Lou Thesz Press, right? Because somewhere in there, Konnan apparently gave Eddie a low blow that results in an immediately pin victory for Konnan and i've watched it 30 times and WHERE IS THE LOW BLOW?! WHERE?! Am I losing my mind? Did they edit it out for being too racy? Did Konnan just forget to punch Eddie in the nutsack? Fucking hell people, this is the first match!
So yeah, this match is one of the least impressive or interesting of both men's storied careers. But as we'll see going forward, that's good enough for second best match of the night.
62 out of 100
Cewsh: Robocop isn't here to review these matches with me, which I THOUGHT WAS A TRADITION but he won't return my calls. Since Robocop will not be joining us, we will instead turn to the wonderful Dusty Rhodes, who will be providing us with actual commentary that he used during this show. Enjoy!
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: "Talking about Eddie and Konnan with a sarcastic way about him just a little bit, and all i'm saying is that as we watch this thing, read into it a little bit, see where COONAN's at and see if that sarcasm is really part of his inner working because I know what kind of guy Eddie Guerrero is."
Cewsh: When I was reading the card for this show before I started this review, I was initially baffled as to how this show could possibly be so legendarily bad. After all, a Finlay vs. Regal match with both men in their primes sounds like a flat out dream match today, and Konnan vs. Guerrero is fantastic on paper. Of course, we'll get to some other things later that are...yeah. They're something. But for the space of this one segment, all is pretty much right with the world. You have two of the best European style wrestlers who have ever lived stiffing the Street Sharks out of each other, (this was the 90s, after all.) Of course, it wouldn't be a delightful WCW review if these great talents weren't saddled with incredibly lame gimmicks, and the kind of outfits that would make Dog the Bounty Hunter ask for a paternity test.
Seriously, though, this is a terrific match, and these two pack more aggression and impact into 20 minutes than ECW had during it's entire run. Unfortunately, the crowd do not give two shits about any of this, because this is about as far from the normal WCW style as can be, and I certainly mean that as a compliment. The only real problem with this is that it ends with Regal's buddies running down to beat up Finlay for a DQ ending which is hopelessly anticlimactic after a 20 minute nuclear slugfest. But hey, we're talking about a show that people hold up against December to Dismember here, and this match way better than anything I expected to find. In fact, i'd go so far as to say that thus far this show has been far better than I expected. Bring on what's next, we're going to debunk the badness of Uncensored! What's the worst that could be in store?
80 out of 100
Cewsh's Seal of Approval
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: "IRELAND. IRELAND. Where is Ireland? About 5 miles from London? I doubt that."
Cewsh: Why do I tempt fate? Why? Why do I do this to myself in every review? Fucking hell.
Alright, this is what is going on here. We have Madusa, formerly Alundra Blayze, who at the time was unquestionably the most credible woman wrestler outside of Japan, and here she is facing racist, misogynist manager Colonel Parker in a match. This match stems from this whole big thing where Parker and Sherri Martel were going to get married for some reason, and Madusa appeared and declared that they couldn't because SHE was Parker's wife, for some reason, and then a whole bunch of stuff got said about the inferiority of women, for some reason, and now Madusa is a feminist fighting her oppressor, for some reason. Obviously the babyface woman with tons of credibility is going to smash the hell out of the arrogant bastard she is facing and strike a blow for women everywhere. Here's the problem though. She doesn't.
As a matter of fact, she loses the match, though it was do to blatant interference, and Colonel just laying his fat on top of her so she can't move. But the result isn't even the issue. This match, and similar matches throughout history, posit the idea that even the very best female performers will struggle to contend with men who are absolute laughingstocks among their peers. There is not a male wrestler on the WCW roster who couldn't have beaten Colonel Parker by whipping their dick out and flapping it in his general direction, and yet here he effortlessly tosses Madusa around like a rag doll because HE IS MAN AND MAN IS MIGHTY.
If he weren't such an arrogant buffoon, the match makes it clear that he probably would've won a lot faster than he did, and Madusa only gets in about 3 moves for the entire match. Which is FUCKING INSANE because Madusa is a legit expert in karate and had been a top level wrestler for years before this, while Parker is, at this point, a fat sack of cock syrup known mainly for fanning himself at ringside to avoid being overcome by the vapors. Suffice to say, this was fucking dumb. It also managed to be poorly wrestled and dull, if you were wondering, though I can't imagine that you were. Now, let's move on. All of this yelling and drinking is making me sleepy and we're only halfway through the show.
31 out of 100
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: "Parker thought he was going to come in here and run a monk. Good graceia!"
Cewsh: This segment is supposed to be about the Road Warriors talking about something or other, but before we get to that, I have to point out that on the chalk board behind Lee Marshall, there appears to be a detailed layout of the main event triple cage match.
We're obviously missing a huge portion of the key to this thing, as the letters and symbols involved are utter fucking chaos, with some of them appearing to be lying down and others apparently floating in mid air. I don't know if this drawing is from the booking meeting, or if we're just meant to genuinely believe that this diagram represents the heel's plan to win the match, but I desperately hope it's the second one and Kevin Sullivan gathered everyone around before the shows.
Sullivan: "Alright guys, here's what we're going to do. Meng, you'll be F. You start off under ground and tunnel your way up into the bottom of the cage. Lex Luger, you'll be L, and you just stand in the middle of the second level and open this bag full of bats, which are all of these little symbols here. Hulk will stay on the top level trying to renegotiate his contract with WCW to get him out of continuing to wrestle this match. That's when we'll get him!"
Also, look at how annoyed Hawk gets when he starts to talk and Animal interrupts him.
Cewsh: It's moments like this that make my job as a reviewer so worthwhile. To be able to expose a whole new generation of fans to the wonder of The Booty Man.
You see, once upon a time, there was a man named Ed Leslie. Leslie was a professional wrestler of below average ability and appeal, but he was able to catch on with WWE, and had a reasonably popular run as Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. All through that run, though, rumors ran wild that the only reason he got pushed as hard as he did is because he was close friends with Hulk Hogan. Some denied this, though, suggesting that he really was fairly popular as a midcarder and actually deserved his modest spot in the company. Those people were few and far between, but at least they did exist. Which was no longer true when Hulk Hogan signed on with WCW and took Leslie with him.
What followed was perhaps the single worst run of gimmicks by any individual in wrestling history. For context, this show takes place in 1996. Leslie debuted in WCW in 1994. In between he had FIVE DIFFERENT GIMMICKS. Brother Bruti, Ed Leslie, The Butcher, The Man With No Name (not shitting you,) and the Zodiac. Each one more rotten and more obviously just a brazen attempt to keep Leslie on the payroll than the last. And then finally, Leslie found the gimmick that you will see here. That of The Booty Man. A man who is obsessed with his own ass. If you are wondering if this gimmick is presented in a way that is either subtle or nuanced, then you are so far mistaken that I'm going to have to ask you to leave because you have flunked out of this review.
Now that's all ridiculous, right? Yep, but we're just getting started. Now I have to tell you how Diamond Dallas Page got to this point. It's very possible that you only remember Page for his babyface run in WCW where he was hugely successful and the height of cool, but there was a time a dark, dark time, before that when Page was a heel. A heel who would challenge people to arm wrestling contests, with the stipulation that they would get his wife if they won. Because this is the 90s and women were property by law until 2001, as we all learned in history class.
During this time, he mysteriously earned EXACTLY 13 million dollars from mysterious underground arm wrestling matches, which was then revealed to be money that Kimblerly had won in a Bingo game. I assume that it was the world's most high stakes Bingo game, and that if my grandmother had ever heard of it, she would be in deep to the mob to this day. Anyway, so Page had millions, and began to flaunt his wealth, before promptly losing it all. Then there was some stuff with a rabbit, a mentally handicapped pervert and a Little Richard impersonator, but we're running out of room in this paragraph, so let's just move on.
Eventually, Kimberly escaped the megalomaniacal clutches of her husband, Page, and ran directly into the comforting buttocks of the Booty Man. Which leads us to this match, where if Page wins, he gets his wife back, (and some money,) and if he loses, he'll have to retire from wrestling and he'll just have to resort to kidnapping like any other abusive husband. Delightful! Let's get to it!
This match is so boring that if you showed it to two slugs having sex, they would be too bored to finish. This is exacerbated by the fact that Kimberly Page is wandering around the ring in a tutu, acting completely aroused by Ed Leslie's ass from start to finish.
The kayfabe idea that Ed Leslie went backstage a nailed Kimberly Page after this match is an injustice to human kind. The fact that this match was an abysmal car crash of sloppy headlocks and cartoon mannerisms isn't quite the same level of injustice, but the combination is like putting Mentos and Diet Coke in the communion wine at church. It doesn't end well for anyone. You might also recall that at the top of this segment it says the words, "I Quit Match". This apparently was news to everyone involved as that NEVER EVER COMES UP EVER AGAIN AFTER THE GRAPHIC. Which is fine, because I dread to think what would have happened if we had let any of these people talk.
And, in closing, enjoy everything about this unbelievably 90s dude who tries to get into a pose off with Diamond Dallas Page.
30 out of 100
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: "HE KISSY FACED HER!"
Cewsh: Here what is going on with Lex Luger on this show. Originally Loch Ness, (better known as Giant Haystacks,) was supposed to be part of the main event match, but he wound up turning babyface which disqualified him from being part of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Jimmy Hart instead got Lex Luger in his place, causing Lex to abandon his tag team partner Sting in their planned match on this show. This also resulted in Loch Ness winding up in a number one contendership match with the Giant for the World Heavyweight title. Got all that? Lex Luger doesn't, because he spent every second of this promo where he wasn't talking doing this:
The moments where he was talking, he was comically tripping over his words and suggesting that he would NEVER betray his best buddy Sting, and that this was all some sort of misunderstanding. We'll see, Lex. We'll see.
Cewsh: At this point in his career, The Giant may have been one of the worst main event wrestlers in history. That wasn't really his fault, as I have more experience doing deep space mining than he had at professional wrestling, and he was being asked to wrestle major matches against guys like Loch Ness, who is surprisingly agile for a pile of bricks with a beard painted on it. As a result, this match is terrible, but it's also incredibly short, which is the best kind of terrible. So hey, i'll take it. Hell, i'll even be nice to the rating. I'm feeling generous.
40 out of 100
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: "So many cage matches, so many kind of matches, danger situations, I've had myself put in, and was put into situations that were so dangerous."
Cewsh: Of all the possible combinations of teammates from WCW in this period, I don't know if there could possibly be a weirder one than Sting and Booker T. When Sting's partner, Lex Luger, abandoned him before their match against the Road Warriors, Sting had to find a replacement as quickly as he could. He settled on Booker T, who at this point is a doo rag wearing, weird catchphrase spouting stereotype who wore more purple than Barney the Dinosaur. So just sort of form the image of that Booker T in your head, and then conjure up the image of pre-Crow era Sting. Those two people don't even seem to inhabit the same universe. So imagine them not just teaming up, but having a conversation. What is the worst case scenario for that conversation?
If you said, "Sting and Booker T lose all semblance of sanity for 5 minutes," then you're clearly a witch or something.
Cewsh: It's interesting how times have changed the perception of this match. Looking back on it now, we see Sting as a legend, Booker T as a Hall of Famer in his own right, and see the Road Warriors as a beloved babyface team. But at this point, Sting was almost as stale as Hogan, Booker T was a tag team specialist yelling about chicken bones in his promos and the Road Warriors are kind of, sort of heels, even though they're in Chicago where no power on Earth could cause them to be booed. So basically, this is a goddamn weird match.
While we're talking about this match, I should probably share with you the fact that it bloooooooooooows. Every element of 90s wrestling that comes off as horribly dull and dated now is present. People climbing to the top rope to do flying karate chops? Happens 3 different times. Sluggish paced brawling with several minutes in between individual spots? Yep! People having their crotches assaulted in numerous ways? No testicle is safe! This whole thing is just a 20 minute slog that seems to suck the life out of the crowd, the announcers and even the wrestlers themselves. For example, here is Booker T attempting to do a Spinaroonie, only to give up halfway and settle in for the night.
Bear in mind, this is the semi-main event on a show that has been abhorrently dull and shitty to this point. Sting and Booker T are Jushin Liger and Rey Mysterio compared to the guys we're going to see in the main event, so the entire card is dependent on this match getting the crowd fired up for the preposterous main event. Not only do they not do that, but this is the most unpleasant part of the entire show to this point, as it just keeps going on and on and on and on. Watching this match is like waiting in line at the DMV, only to find out that you had been waiting in the wrong line the entire time. It's an endless slog towards a worthless future populated by hopelessness.
But on the positive side, it was pretty funny when it was revealed that Lex Luger spends his time before matches primping himself in front of a tiny mirror in a random hallway in the middle of the arena. I like to believe that he was on his way to the ring when he caught his reflection and simply couldn't look away. If I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me.
If you leave this review with one memory, let it be the fact that this match was so bad, it made me start to look forward to the match that is to come. If that isn't a scathing indictment, I don't know what is.
34 out of 100
Actual Dusty Rhodes Commentary: *After Animal Hits Booker T With A Broom* "Boy, he nuggered him there! In the the, um, noggin there."
Cewsh: Before we even get to how ridiculous this match is, we badly need to have a chat about the people in this. Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage are being forced to go up against Ric Flair, (one of the greatest champions ever to live,) Arn Anderson, (Flair's dangerous right hand,) Lex Luger, (an unmatched physical specimen,) Kevin Sullivan, (a psychopath who uses mind games to win,) and the reunited Powers of Pain. Now, you would think that that would be enough of a super alliance to make this a ridiculously unfair match for Hogan and Savage to have to compete in. If that were the match, this would still be stupid, but it's those last two names that really push this whole thing into Parts Unknown.
First we have the Ultimate Solution, a hulking dude who is charmingly named after Hitler's plan to exterminate the Jews. He also played Bane in Batman and Robin, which would bring him shame in any other company, but he's still a wrestling savant compared to our final entrant, Z-Gangsta.
For those who have seen the 80s movie No Holds Barred, starring Hulk Hogan, Z-Gangsta is the villain from that film. He briefly appeared in WWE to have a match with Hogan based on the movie, even though in the movie, Hulk Hogan does not play Hulk Hogan. So assumedly, Zeus broke out of the movie screen and decided to attack the nearest person who looked like his arch rival. Not only that, but he harbored such a grudge about it, that he came back to wrestling some 8 years later to join the Alliance to End Hulkamania. Why anyone in WCW thought bringing up a failed angle from 10 years before would help sell this match is beyond me, but at least it gives me the opportunity to point out that this same guy played the president in the best science fiction movie of the past 30 years.
This assemblage of misfits and weirdos have combined their powers to do what none of them could do separately: convince Hulk Hogan to actually lose a match. And with their combined influence, power and skill, they will manage to almost sort of make him sweat a little before winning.
Now, as for the match itself. Hogan and Savage start on the top tier of the cage, fighting Ric Flair and Arn Anderson, while everyone else waits on the level below for their turn. The idea is that Hogan and Savage have to make it through all of the sections of the cage, and that if they successfully make it to the next level, the people on the previous level are eliminated from the match. Once Hogan and Savage successfully make it out of the cage at the bottom, they will win. You'll notice that I didn't mention how the bad guys can win this match, and that's because WCW literally never presents a scenario where it would be possible for the heels to win this match. Not even for one second to they present that as a possibility. I guess if they actually murdered Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage they would technically win the match, but there are one or two witnesses, so that strategy is probably out.
That brings me to the second biggest issue with this match, which is the fact that between the giant structure and the poor lighting, the crowd in the arena can't make out a goddamn thing that is going on here. Especially the poor bastards who paid extra for floor seats, and are now craning their necks for fleeting glimpses of Ric Flair's taint.
Meanwhile, the home audience is treated to electrifying moments like this:
And this:
Eventually Hogan and Savage realize that they have to move on to part 2, but there are four guys in that tier, so they unleash their secret weapon.
BABY POWDER. This blinds Meng, Sullivan, Luger and the Barbarian long enough for Hogan and Savage to start slowly punching them all one at a time. At this point, Tony Schiavone chooses to say, "This is greater than anything we've done in our careers." This makes me feel extremely bad for Tony Schiavone.
Hulk and Randy unleash part 2 of their fabulous plan, as they lock the door that is sitting in the middle of tier 2, for some reason, locking everyone out except for Kevin Sullivan and Lex Luger. At this point, the announcers begin to speculate about where The Ultimate Solution, Z-Gangsta and Brian Pillman are, as they're nowhere to be found. While I was speculating about that, Hogan and Sullivan began making their way down the scaffolding that stands outside of the structure, and make it all the way down to the floor, where they begin brawling into the crowd. Then Savage and Luger follow them out, and they walk to the ring because wait, is this just a tag team match now? Are they just going to leave all the other guys trapped in the cage to look on sadly until this is over? Why haven't Hogan and Savage won already?
The four literally brawl by themselves around the cage for about 10 minutes, going back to the ring for stretches multiple times. Half of this match is so far removed from the gimmick, that the cage doesn't appear on camera at any point and nobody mentions it. And then, just went it looks like the match has gone irretrievably off the rails, Ultimate Solution and Z-Gangsta show up from the back, which either suggests that they were taking a nap together and forgot to set an alarm, or that they fully expected this match to wind up in the ring for some reason. Either way, the monsters drag our heroes back into the cage, and start having as good a match as four actors can have.
By now, 22 minutes have elapsed, and I am still completely unclear on how this match can actually end. People are entering and exiting the cage at will, even though they've been eliminated. The Powers of Pain, Lex Luger and Kevin Sullivan appear to have simply wandered off, never to be seen again. And then....and then...
Look, i'm about to tell you how this match ends, and it's important that you trust me implicitly at this point. If you don't then there is no way that you will believe what I am about to tell you. So let's do some trust exercises. You know, lean your monitor up against the wall, and fall back and it will catch you, that sort of thing. Are we good? Do you trust me? Alright then. Deep breath everybody.
...The Booty Man comes running out from the back and tosses something into the cage to Hogan and Savage, who are now laying next to a giant pile of powder that wasn't there 2 seconds ago.
Hogan and Savage toss the powder in everyone's eyes, and then grab the weapons that Booty Man provided, and begin laying waste to their enemies. Those weapons? Frying pans. In trying to help his friend, Booty Man passed up every chair, rod, crutch, trash can lid and kitchen sink in this arena, and somehow found two frying pans. And with the deadly plastic frying pans of doom, Hogan and Savage utterly destroy their foes. But then Lex Luger runs in, steals the frying pans, and dramatically puts on a black "weighted glove."
Luger goes to use it on Savage, but he dramatically hesitates and smashes Ric Flair instead, dramatically turning on his evil teammates in a way that is eerily reminiscent of Hogan's turn just a few months later. Then Hogan shouts, "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE" and the three make a run for it, before the ref whispers something to Savage, causing him to run back into the ring and quickly pin Ric Flair for the victory. Then the 3 heroes flee into the night before anyone can register the atrocity that they committed.
Oh, you guys. This match is a kind of magic, really. All my life, I've been searching for the strangest, awfulest, more confusing match of all time and here it's been sitting under my nose waiting for me. I've been running around chasing matches here and there, and it wasn't until Uncensored 1996 took off it's glasses and shook out it's hair that I realized that this has been the match for me all along. I'm getting a little choked up right now. This match is the spark of infinity on the far side of perfection. It's the yin to the yang of greatness. This match, this beautiful, perfect match, is a zero. Grab your children and hold them close, for we will not see it's like again.
0 out of 100
Cewsh: Now, normally this is Big Dust's cue, but in this case, he was utterly upstaged by Tony Schiavone's performance. All match long, Tony said line after line of absurd nonsense, but this has to be one of my favorite quotes from any wrestling show ever made.
Actual Tony Schiavone Commentary: "LEX LUGER IS OBVIOUSLY THE FRESHEST MAN, HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN HIT WITH A FRYING PAN."
Cewsh: I was told that this was the worst mainstream PPV ever to air prior to December to Dismember. I didn't believe it. I was wrong. There are so many things that could have gone right with this undercard that were so painfully held back from being any good by nonsensical decisions and awful presentation, and that's before the main event took a giant mallet, wrote "HULK HOGAN" on it, and used it to beat me into a coma. Now, i'm not saying that the people involved with this show need to be punished for being part of it. I'm just saying that if someone were to taze them every time someone bought a copy of this show, I think even they would consider it to be well deserved.
Well that'll do it for us this time, boys and girls. As always, remember to keep reading and to be good to one another.
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