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Hello, folks. Welcome to Dead or Alive 2005. Anyone who has been reading Beauty in Wrestling since '03 is probably aware that the vast majority of the column is devoted to the positive side of professional wrestling and how wonderful it is to be a fan. Well, this isn't one of those pieces. It's the end of the year, and the DOA tradition continues. All of the demons of 2005 will be exorcised so to start 2006 fresh. It's time for everything that has stunk, sucked, blew or bombed this year to get a swift kick in the junk. Enjoy. I know I will.
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JEFF JARRETT:
Jeff Jarrett. For the crimes of booking himself into power. Booking himself into title reigns. Booking himself to look more talented than the rest of the NWA-TNA roster. Put simply, abuse of power. We thought that with his father losing control of TNA and becoming a mere minority owner that his son Jeff would no longer be as a dominant. We thought wrong.
It all started years ago. In 2001, legendary promoter Jerry Jarrett attempted to buy a failing and crumbling WCW. A part of Ted Turner's empire, it looked to be able to be bought for cheap like so many used toys at a yard sale. He was vying for top bid but he obviously could not compete with WWE. We all know what happened next. Jerry Jarrett wasn't through yet. No, sir! He formed TNA: Total Nonstop Action. Sexually implied name aside, it was a unique upstart company. It made its revenue by the then-unheard of weekly Pay-Per-Views on Wednesday evenings. It lost money. Enough that investor Health South Corporation pulled out. Desperate, Jerry sold controlling interest to Panda Energy.
Internal power has swayed to various "leaders" since then. However, even though Jerry is no longer running the show (and showing up at WWE headquarters as a big screw you to those who usurped his authority in TNA), his son Jeff still has serious stroke. In fact, according to the most recent Observer, the so-called "committee" that controls TNA programming is largely run by Jeff. The Carters, the head-honchos of Panda, have given Jeff a lot of authority because he seems to know what he's doing. Well, sure! He seems to know what he's doing since he knows the wrestling business, but there is one small problem: he's a wrestler on the active roster and has given himself the most TV time, the most title reigns and the most exposure.
Say what you will about Triple H's stroke in WWE but at least he's worthy of being one of the main stars. Jeff is an adequate worker, an adequate talker and has never been anything more. Not only that but he has overexposed himself so much that the normally "we'll cheer for anything" TNA fans are deseprate for a change. Allow a demonstration. Watch TNA Impact one week. They'll mark for anything. TNA fans will go ballistic when Matt freakin' Bentley comes to the ring, including but not limited to doing a dance called "The Bentley Bounce." They're crazy for Hoyt. HOYT, for God's sakes. They'll even cheer heels like Abyss, Monty Brown and sometimes Petey Williams. Now, put Jarrett in front of the camera and they will chant "Drop the title!" They hate him and not in the traditional kayfabe way. They legitimately want him out of the title picture for a while, and considering how much he has dominated that title and how tired his act is, who can blame them?
Here are some basic facts about TNA history: Jeff Jarrett has been NWA Champion five times. The only wrestler who has even come close to that is AJ Styles. He has been NWA Champion three times, but two of those three times were month-long "reigns" anyway. His only reasonably long reign, by the way, was ended by Jarrett. Not only that but Jarrett also holds the longest title reign as well: June 2nd of 2004 until May 15th of 2005. Practically an entire year. Let's look at it one more way. Since the first NWA title win in TNA history (at the hands of Ken Shamrock) until today, Jeff Jarrett has been in possession of the NWA World Championship about 60% of the time. He has become a kind of permanent champion and it is making the fans sick.
The rumor about Spike TV wanting a recognizable "mainstream" wrestler as their champion going into the Impact debut on their network was proven false by most accounts. Even if it were true, Impact debuted months ago. What's more, Jarrett isn't the only man on the roster who has mainstream (WWE/WCW) credentials. Christian Cage, Jeff Hardy, Jerry Lynn, Konnan, Kevin Nash, Raven, Rhino and Sean Waltman do as well. Heck, even Billy Gunn is a recognizable face. Not that one should be begging for many of these men to be NWA Champion but the point is that Jarrett can't claim to be giving himself the belt for mainstream credibility reasons. He has political power. It is as simple as that. If he honestly believes it is for the good of the company, he is fooling himself.
GENE SNITSKY:
Gene Snitsky. Before Mark Henry returned on Smackdown, I would have said Snitsky was the worst and most unappealing wrestler on WWE's roster. However, since Mizark has done next to nothing this year, the nod truly goes to Snitsky. Now, I know full well that not all of it is his fault due to the way he was booked but that doesn't make him or his character any less revoluting.
I still remember the first time I saw Snitsky. He wrestled Kane on Raw and accidentally made Lita miscarriage. In one of the worst angles WWE has produced this decade, Snitsky was there front and center. He feuded with Kane well into 2005. One of the worst feuds of the year? There's Snitsky again. After that, he took up more time and space on Raw by feuding with Shelton Benjamin, appearing during Edge and Lita's wedding and tagging with Tyson Tomko. He is generally placed on Sunday Night Heat, but every so often, he appears without warning -- much like herpes -- to ruin Raw with his terrible ring work and ugly as sin face. A stinking waste of space who could be better replaced on Raw by a house plant on a soda machine.
Now, to be clear, I am not condemning the man for being the most repulsively disgusting individual on WWE's roster. Heavens no. That, quite frankly, "is not his fault." Professional wrestling is full of ugly people. Rhino comes to mind. Of course, Rhino can work reasonably well, so we barely notice. Snitsky, on the other hand, is so terrible in the ring that one can't help but notice his more shallow flaws and cringe at his mutant back-ne and squished, adult-fetus face. His pimples are so dangerous they could be sold to Iran and his face turns heroes to stone.
In the end, Snitsky's crimes are sucking wind, sucking toes and just plain sucking.
SMACKDOWN WRITERS:
The disgrace of Smackdown writing/booking can't be pinned only to one person when you consider the merry-go-round hirings and firings of that staff. Whether it is Stephanie McMahon or whatever sitcom and talk show writers they have on the committee this week, the Smackdown writers have created some godawful waste this year.
Take the Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan feud as an example. Benoit, arguably Smackdown's best in-ring performer after this year's draft lottery, was mired in a never-ending feud with Orlando "Why am I still green?" Jordan. The good news (and that is quite a stretch) is that Benoit won the feud and gained the United States Championship. The bad news is everything else! They wrestled at Great American Bash and it roundly sucked. Benoit couldn't carry Jordan with a back brace. Smackdown figured they'd put them together again. Brilliant! Fortunately, the match was a squash and Benoit picked up the victory and the belt. Unfortunately, it didn't end there. Benoit beat Jordan about forty-two other times in the following weeks. Each time faster than the other. It was reasonably clever and somewhat funny...but they just kept doing it. Over and over. The match quality for Smackdown sank like a capsized ship while Benoit performed squashes. Talk about misusing your resources. Smackdown needed to be fixed so they had their best wrestler make coffee backstage and take a leak while an interviewer timed him. It's like trying to fix an engine and sending your best mechanic on a beer run.
Smackdown debuted what may be the worst gimmick since a giant turkey hatched out of egg on Pay-Per-View. I am referring, of course, to the Boogeyman. He's coming to get you! And by "get" I mean "kill" and by "you" I mean "Smackdown." WWE needs to take a lesson from Eugene. Awful gimmick that was pushed heavily enough that it worked in the short run. Fine. In the long run? It won't work. It can't. Some people think it's cute now, but much like the Eugene gimmick, they'll turn on it. Also like the Eugene gimmick, this is retarded.
Another fine example is the last few weeks of the Undertaker vs. Randy Orton feud. It had been going on for the better part of a year, so we were well within sudden death overtime by the time December rolled around. The long and short of it is that the Undertaker died (again), came back from the grave (again), went after his killer (again) and eventually won the feud (.....again!). That's not so bad when you think about it but what Smackdown tried to pass off as a wrestling angle towards the end of the feud was embarrassing to both the company and the fans' collective intelligence. The Undertaker began to haunt Orton. Not so much like in the past. No, no. This time, Undertaker made clocks go backwards, caskets appear, shot blood out of monitors, gave Randy a couple hallucinations and even possessed the body of Josh Matthews. Look, Smackdown writers, this isn't a late night talk show comedy segment. This is not "Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time", okay? It's wrestling and some of us take it at least slightly seriously. Not too much but enough that the haunting was too stupid for words.
There were other screw-ups as well like booking Pay-Per-Views on the fly, Kurt Angle saying "beastiality", and midget wrestling but I can only extend this section so much. I'm not even going to touch Tim White or the Smackdown Special lowrider incident.
VINCE MCMAHON:
It always comes back to Vince McMahon, doesn't it? I go back and forth with the man. On one day, I'll think he's a class act. On another day, I'll turn around and think he's scum. I know I'm not alone in that either. He's done some good this year and he has also done a lot to earn the ire of the wrestling fan.
Earlier this year, McMahon removed Jim Ross from the lead announcing position on Monday Night Raw. According to reports, during the switch to USA Network, in perhaps an effort to start anew, McMahon wanted to change the face of Raw. That could be taken quite literally because it is suspected that Ross was seen as too "unattractive" due to medical problems in his past. I find that strange (and hard to believe) considering he lets Snitsky on Raw all the time. Whatever. Maybe it isn't true.
What is true is that McMahon performed a terrible skit following JR's removal as play-by-play man. In it, he dressed up as a surgeon, Dr. Hiney, and with the assistance of Nurse Slobberknockers, pulled about a dozen different objects out of a fake Ross' rear end. This was on the heels of Ross actually going into surgery. I don't know whether or not it was "offensive" to Ross himself, so I won't speculate there. What I will say is that it was an embarrassment to wrestling fans who expect a wee bit more from WWE's so-called flagship show. It was long. It was dull. It was not funny. Moments like these are why I'm seeing rational wrestling fans swearing off WWE . What I think WWE needs to start realizing is that even the hardcore wrestling fan might not watch forever now that alternatives are popping up. Maybe it isn't a large amount based on the ratings, but inch by inch, stuff like this will start hurting.
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Whew. That felt good. I'm glad I got that off my chest. It's been a rocky year. Here's hoping there are a couple less wanted posters needed for 2006. Good bye for now, everyone. Happy New Year.
