Report by: xpacnumber1fan, rajah.com reporter
Hola mis amigos. This is your King of Bling Bling, xpacnumber1fan back
with another edition of your beloved ECW Report. Why waste time?
They show a replay of Lashley's win at D2D and what happened last
week, with Heyman's tearful speech and the Show/Lashley match. We all
know how that ended.
Intro. Sazz tell us that we are in Boston, MA. Hometown (well, close
enough) of WWE champ John Cena. RVD's music hits and he comes out to a
generous pop. The music of Test now hits. We are reminded that Test
took out VD at the EEC. They show a replay of Test's elbow off the top
of the pod onto a chair, which was conviniently placed on VD's face. I
had never seen a clip of it before, and I have to say it looks pretty
impressive. Wasn't your typical Randy Savage-type looking elbow (and
Test really does do a great one), but the impact was the important
thing. That could've EASILY been a concussion. Anyways, we now have...
Test vs. *point* ROB *point* VAN *point* DAM
Styles informs us that VD is arguably the most athletically unique
athlete in all of sports entertainment. Say that five times fast. I
know you tried. How far did you get? Little lock up and break up.
Another lockup into the corner, and a couple of elbows. Stomping a
mudhole now. RVD chant. Test backs up a bit to yell at the crowd but
then VD reverses him into the corner and catches him a few times.
Irish whip but Test reverses with an elbow. Test tries to charge but
runs into a spin kick then a standing moonsault. Two count. Irish whip
but Test holds on to a rope and bails outside. Test jawing at the
fans but doesn't see VD with a somersault plancha over the ropes. He
rolls Test back in a nails a slingshot legdrop for two. In the corner,
Test hits him with the oldest trick in the book, backing off and thumb
in the eye. Styles says it always work, that's why it's the oldest
trick in the book. Can't argue with that rock-solid logic. Test
launches VD shoulder first into the steel post. Little manhandling by
Test, choking with boot and such. Irish whip, clothesline, two count.
Irish whip to the corner but VD does a leap over Test as he charges.
VD then ducks a clothesline and jumps up to the top rope, as if to
try and hit a moonsault but Test pushes him off and VD goes FLYING to
the outside. Can RVD regroup and take out Test? We'll find out after
break...
...and we're back. Test with an armbar in the ring. VD tries to fight
out but gets bodyslammed. Test climbs up and jumps off but gets hit a
boot to the face. Has that spot EVER been believable? Why would
someone jump straight down close, but not onto, someone's legs? You
KNOW they're gonna put em up. And if they didn't, what move were you
going to pull? An axe handle onto someone that's lying on the mat?
BLAH. Guess that's part of the wrestling game. VD with kick and a
springboard back kick. Irish whip reversed by Test but then gets
caught with a spinning leg lariat. Superkick. Two count. Spinning kick
to the corner. He thens tries his little rolling monkey flip but Test
brings him down with a clothesline after the little roll. Test goes
for a pumphandle slam but RVD slides out. He eats a back elbow though.
Van Dam, ducks a clothesline though and picks up Test for a back
suplex. but instead he hangs him on the ropes. You know the position.
Straddling it? So the rope is crushing your nuts? Yea. VD then climbs
up and kicks him off. Rolling Thunder gets two.VD with his windmill
enziguiri. He goes for the *****, but Test moves. Test then goes for a
powerbomb near the ropes but VD rolls through with it and tries for a
sunset flip. Test sits down though and tries to hold the ropes. The
ref is seeing him though so the ref just basically turns their back to
them and counts to three. So you know, that way he can't "see" Test
cheating. Dumb ref. If Van Dam kicked out he wouldn't even be able to
see him. But suspension of disbelief.
Winner: Test
Graphic screen shows us that Hardcore Holly will face CM Punk later
tonight and Lashley will face Paul Heyman's Personal Enforcers in the
main event. WOOHOO!!!! MONEY MATCH! Break.
Back. Striker with his little classroom get up. He talks about how he
is in Boston, the birthplace of democracy. He says that the child of
that revolution happens to be that city of Boston. And the fans boo. I
guess they don't like being known for you know, starting democracy and
all that. But then Striker says that it should've been aborted. Ooooo.
They've become college students with faded white baseball caps turned
to the side, SMOKING THE POT and playing wiffleball. *fans cheer
loudly for this. Who says that our youth is not being educated
properly?* He knows, Sully like to go to the baahh and watch
basketbaahhlll all the time. Speaking of basketball. Your beloved Red
Auderbach is also from here. Fact is he's also dead. Boston sure loves
it's balls. You've got Ted *hiccup hiccup* Kennedy, the drunk who
loves his high balls. Flip flop John Kerry dropped the ball to a great
man. And Bill Buckner couldn't even pick up the ball. Boston is hating
him now. Which now brings him to his extreme lesson, the person he
faced at D2D, Balls Mahoney. He asks Mr. Mahoney to come out. Balls
wants to get down but Striker says he wants to talk, not fight. He
says Balls is all heart and soul. He's a hero to those people. He
resembles those people with his keen fashion sense, his skin care and
hygiene habits. When Mr. Mahoney smiles, the audience smiles with him
(or at him). He says that this Ball here has less bounce and more
rolllllllls. Get it? Cuz he's fat! *turns around* Clothesline to the
mush. Balls with his, BALLS! *punch* BALLS! *punch* BALLS! *punch*
*wind up* WHHOOOOAAAA.... *Striker kicks hims in the BALLS!* Striker
then bends over him and asks, "Feeling blue, Balls?" I'd venture to
say yes. Maybe not completely blue though, some black in there as
well. Break.
Back. Speaking of black, we come back with Elijah Burke and Sylvester
Terkay in front of the camera. Elijah is talking. The man is pretty
damn good. He needs a push. Since I pretty much transcribed the prior
segment, just be satisfied in knowing that Burke toots their own horn.
CM Punk's music now hits and he comes out to the biggest pop of the
night. Sounds pretty piped in though. Hardcore Holly now comes out. We
have...
Hardcore Holly vs. CM Punk
Some back and forth action to begin with. Couple of near falls. Holly
takes control with a stun gun. Beats him down now, with clubs, chops,
punches and the like. Legdrop and two count. Irish whip to the corner
but Punk reverses. He then runs into a boot to the face. Now Holly
charges with a clothesline but Punk ducks while holding on the arm and
hits a swinging neckbreaker. Kicks to the thighs and running forearm.
Heel kick, two count. Punk calls for his running to the corner and
hits it. Bulldog and two count. Punk charges Super Bob in the corner
and is punching him. Ref breaks it up and Bob takes advantage, pulling
Punk into the corner. Bob clubbing him and ref tries to break it up
with a count and Bob-core says he has until five. He then goes back to
clubbing and promptly uses up his five count. So ref Scott Armstrong
DQ's Super Bob. He's pissed and apparently so is the crowd. They're
shitting on this ending. Bob threatens the ref saying he'll kick his
ass. Bob-core then backs up and charges into Punk in the corner, but
Punk moves and he just rams his shoulder into the steel post. Punk
then looks down at him AND LOCKS ON THE ANACONDA VICE!!! BOB IS
TAPPING!!!!.... to absolutely no noise from the crowd. That finish
completely killed any heat from this crowd. Punk wraps up the move and
raises his hands in the center of the ring, to like I said, deafening
silence. Match-up screen graphic is shown for Lashley vs. Heyman's
Enforcers, but right now, we go to break.
Back from break, Tommy Dreamer comes out. They show replay of what
happened at D2D with Khali giving him the two-armed chokeslam. Then
they show what happened last week with Dreamer getting the win, but
then getting another Khali Hangman Slam, this time onto a steel chair.
Tommy grabs a mic and says basically that he has more guts than brains
(and apparently beauty too), so he challengers the Great Khali. Khali
and Daivari comes out to the latter's music. Daivari comes out with
his typical Punjab spiel and even gets in a Borat "Cher Gui". He gets
on the mic and says that last time Dreamer pinning him was a fluke,
and he will be the one accepting Dreamer's challenge. Cheapshot and
bell rings.
Daivari vs. Dreamer
Won't go much into detail here. Just know that Dreamer wins with the
Sweet Dreams DDT in about one and a half minutes.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
But afterwards Khali pulls outs Dreamer and gives him that Hangman's
Slam on the cold, hard concrete outside. And then Khali taunts him,
telling him "GHHEETTTT UUUGGGG!!!!". Where will Khali chokeslam
Dreamer next week? I don't know, but tune into Sci-Fi next week
Tuesday and find out. But right now we get reminded that our MAIN
EVENT is up next.
Back from break, Styles talks about Knox making an ass of himself and
we get a replay of what went down last week with him and Kelly. If you
don't what happened, read last damn week's report. Sazz talk about
that maybe KNox should have broken up with her, he was justified in
doing that, but you don;t throw roses in the girls face DAMNIT! And oh
yea, you don't give her your finisher either. She is suffering from
severe whiplash and she is wished a speedy recovery. But now,
Lashley's music hits. Pretty interesting that his pyro didn't hit. I'm
willing to be my life right now that he gets the Lesnar pyro. Wide
shot of the ring, and yep. I was right. As he jumps on the apron he
gets the Lesnar pyro. Hopefully he can get the Lesnar talent as well.
Now the Enforcers come out to ECW music. Bell rings.
Bobby Lashley vs. Paul Heyman's Personal Enforcers
If you want to know how the Enforcers look like right now, imagine Los
Conquistadors, but instead of gold, it's black. Anyway, the Enforcers
get one punch in before Lashley starts manhandling them. Then Lashley
sends one in the corner but he leapfrogs as Lashley charges and he
hits steel post. Few double team maneuvers as Tazz tries to figure out
how to call them. We'll stick to Uno and Dos. Lashley gets control
again and starts beating them up creatively. He backdrops Uno into
Dos. Pretty cool spot. Then he ctahces Dos with a spear. Uno tries to
come in and hit him with a billy club but Lashley stops him and sends
him outside. Lashley then hits the Dominator to Dos. Pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Uno tries to come in again and hit him with a billy club but Lashley
spears him. He then hits another Dominator as we are informed that
it's not a replay that we are watching. Lashley then picks up the
billy club and hits the hell out Uno upside the head. Lashley poses
off as we fade to black.
Well this has been your ECW for tonight. Sorry for any spelling and/or
grammatical errors. Can't be arsed to read through it again. All
praise and positive comments are appreciated, and can be sent to
thecruzanhurricane@gmail.com. All negative feedback and criticisms can
be sent care of Mr. Ben Dover. He can be reached at
youreallysuck@thiswillnevergethere.net. Spank you all very much, your
Ayatollah signing off.
