Hey my peeps, this is your Doctor of Huganomics, xpacnumber1fan. Sorry this report is late but real life took a back seat to internet reporting this week. On top of that, this will be a super-compressed report this week. Sorry about that, but you know what, let's stop with this apology crap. Let's get moving.
We start off with a recap of what happened on Raw, with The Donald picking Bobby Lashley as his representative. Intro.
We see that tonight we will have a steel cage match for the ECW World Title tonight, Bobby Lashley vs. Bobcore Holly.
Now Mr. Kennedy comes out. This will be a Money In The Bank Ladder Match Qualifying Match. His opponent? Sabu, complete with his *point to the sky TM*. This will also be an Extreme Rules match. In other words, the WWE know Sabu needs a gimmick to have a good match. Bell rings.
M.I.T.B.L.M.Q.E.R.M
Good spots in it, nothing really of note. As I said, super-compressed version of this report. You can trust me, I will not leave out anything important. And nothing important happened. Well, except that Kennedy won.
Winner: Mr. Kennedy…………………………………Kennedy
So Kennedy will advance to MITB. The graphic shows us that so far, Edge, C.M Punk, King BOOKAH, Jeff Hardy, and the aforementioned Senor Kennedy will advance to ladder match at WM. 3 more to go. Cut to the parking lot and we see a limo roll up. Out steps Mr. McMahon. Commercial.
Back. We see a match up screen for an Originals vs. New Breed match. It will be Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von. But right now, it will be "Captain Caveman" Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker. Bell rings.
Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker
Only notable points: Balls hits the *punch* BALLS! *punch* BALLS! *punch* BALLS! *punch* BALLS! *wind up* WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA *pun…* Wait, he changed it up. He hit a *clothesline* BALLS! He then goes up top and hits a guillotine legdrop (!). Styles with a good line saying that you can find Balls on the evolutionary chart, he'll be second to the left. As he comes down, Snitsky comes down and big boots Balls twice. He walks out of the ring.
Winner: Balls Mahoney by DQ
He comes back into the ring. Striker is standing up looking at Balls and Snitsky big boots the hell out of him as well. NOW he walks out.
Cut to the back, with Mr. McMahon in his office. He talks about the main event. He says since The Donald picked him on Monday, he has a surprise for him. If Lashley doesn't beat Bobcore in 5 minutes in the cage match, Holly wins the title. Break.
Back. In the ring, Burke's music is playing as he stands there with Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, and Ariel. RVD's music now hits and out come Mr. Tuesday Night, Tommy Dreamer, and Sandman. Bell rings.
New Breed vs. Originals
Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von vs. RVD and Tommy Dreamer
Notable points: In the finish, VD goes up top for a ***** Frog Splash on Thorn. The ref is distracted by Dreamer and Cor Von fighting outside. Ariel slides halfway into the ring to slide Thorn his walking stick. Ariel, halfway in the ring with her voluptuous ass sticking out, gets caned in it by the Sandman. As Sandman chases Ariel away, Burke trips RVD on the top rope, and Thorn hits the Dark Kiss for the pin.
Winners: Marcus Cor Von and Kevin Thorn
Cut to the back with the atrocious sounding Rebecca with Bobcore. He is smiling, saying that no one can beat him in 5 minutes, not even Bobby Lashley, and not even if his title depended on it. And that's how he rolls. Commercial
Come back. They show a little vignette in that Lashley, Cena, Orton, and Edge will be on Deal or No Deal on NBC on Sunday. They will be surprising Sign Guy who is a contestant.
CM Punk comes out. The show his M.I.T.B.L.M.Q.M win last week against Johnny Nitro. If you want to see details of what happened, read last week's report. HOLY SHIT! Steven Richards is still alive, and that is who is Punk's opponent.
CM Punk vs. Steven Richards
Nothing of note happened. Punk won with the same move he won with last week.
Winner: CM Punk
Break. And back again.
Replay of the Lashley/Umaga brawl from Raw again. Read Kendra's report if you really want to know what happened. Now we get Kelly's Extreme Expose. Let me guess. I assume two things will happen as this starts. There will be a lot of uncoordinated dancing (which there was), and Kelly Kelly will pull off her only big move, the back handspring (which she did, twice). Not worth 1 minute. Then we get the Hall of Fame induction video for Jerry "The King" Lawler.
Now we are at the main event. The cage is lowered. First out is Hard Holly. Break.
When we come back champ Bobby Lashley comes out (without Lesnar pyro). Bell rings.
ECW World Title Cage Match (Lashley must win in 5 minutes or less or he loses title)
Bobby Lashley (C) vs. Bobby Holly
Holly beats on Lashley in the beginning. 2 and a half minutes in, Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada come out. Umaga goes to ringside and flings a chair inside the ring. Holly hits the Alabama Slam but Lashley kicks out. About a minute and a half in, Lashley catches and belly-to-belly release overhead. He then beats the hell out of Holly with the chair. Powerslam, and it's over. With 35 seconds left on the clock.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Okay now listen up because what is about to happen is really cool. Umaga is at ringside, by the announce table. Lashley is inside the ring, staring at Umaga through the cage. So then Lashley runs into the ropes behind him, runs, jumps into the air over the top rope and crashes into the cage. That section of the cage then gives out and Lashley with that section of the cage fall on top of Umaga. AAE is going crazy, begging for help. That spot TOTALLY reeked of awesomeness. And WWE, did the cool thing, no replay. Just faded to black.
And that my friends, concludes the ECW Report. As you remember, last week I held a little contest where you had to guess the wrestler who I quoted in my report. The answer was Sid Vicious. But since this is the first contest I've held, I'm gonna shout out every person that emailed me the answer! The winner is the first on the list. Here's the list.
13th Step (winner)
Chuck Edens
Nick Worth
Ravishing Richie C. in Lake Worth(less) Florida
"The Main Event" Gevedon Dane
Don Cowan
Kris Katera
Shaun Duffy
Raymond Madigan aka Romeo315
ruthless2875@aol.com
Jim Cuddihy
Josh Millar
Al
Frank
Shane
Okay, so now new contest. In this report, I've scattered three clues, which will lead you to a specific wrestler. Be the first to email me the wrestler, and the three clues I've dropped, and you get a shout out. And only the winner will get shouted out this time, so you guys better hurry.
Until next week, this is your Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, xpacnumber1fan. And I'm out.