WWE Sunday Night Heat Report (8/29/04) - Taped in Anaheim, California

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1) Rodney Mack (with Jazz) defeated Maven.

Maven and Mack circled each other in the ring. Maven with a go behind into a side headlock, but Mack fought out. Maven came back off the ropes with a shoulder tackle and called Mack "boy." What? Anyways, he kept the offense going with an armdrag, followed by some work in the corner. Jazz distracted Maven from the outside, allowing Mack to take Maven down with a straight right hand, followed by a kick to the back and a pair of elbow drops, keeping up the focus on the lower back on Maven. Mack hit a knee drop to the lower back before picking up Maven and working on the lower back in the corner. Mack took Maven up on his shoulder and moved into a bearhug, into a takedown, taking Maven to the mat while holding onto the hold. Maven hit elbows to Mack's head and started to move to a vertical position. Maven was on his feet and hit a jawbreaker, followed by forearms to the face as he sold his lower back. Maven went after Maven in the gut, but coming off the ropes, Mack and Maven collided hard, almost a crossbody, taking Maven down to the mat. Maven hit a forearm to take Mack down, followed by not just one but two standing dropkicks! Maven went into the cover for two. Maven went after Mack in the corner, but Mack hit a reverse elbow. Maven hit a spinning leg lariat to Mack. Maven seemed to have the advantage and was going up top, but Jazz shoved Maven to the mat below. Mack rolled up Maven for the three count and the win.

Tonight: Chris Benoit versus Tyson Tomko! Benoit's on Heat! Insane!

Next: A recap of the Rock slumming it with a Raw Diva Search segment. Insane!

Promo time: Shelton Benjamin thinks you should vote. If you don't, you ain't all about the Benjamins baby!

Commercial break: That girl eating the Starburst by putting the whole package in her mouth is pretty freakin' hot. Way better than Torrie and the lollipop.

WWE Rewind: Only six ladies were left in the quarter million dollar Raw Diva Search, and Coach eliminated Tracie. Oh, the black girl has to go, doesn't she? I think this proves how white Coach really is.

Raw last Monday: The Coach said that each diva was going to have five minutes to tell the Coach how great he was, but instead, we got a surprise appearance from the Rock! The Rock gave the queen witch Carmela a pep talk, but used it to lead up to a "It doesn't matter what you think!" Love that! This thing was more edited than a Heidenreich match! We went straight from the Rock talking about pie eating to all the girls eating pie. One of the Raw Hos challenged Carmela to a WWE match. Amy did a nice job eating some pie. That's pretty dir-tay. Carmela rubbed some pie across her boobs and on her arm as she ate, also feeding some to Tajiri. My personal pick, the lovely miss Maria, did a wonderful job. Tajiri was getting way too into it. Every time this got a little bit hot, they kept cutting to Tajiri. Thanks for totally ruining everything, WWE. The insane redhead fed the pie to her butt, because it was "munching her panties." That has to be the second most insane moment of this contest, after the dissing of Carmela the other week. The Coach came out with La Resistance and threatened Rock. Rock said, out of respect to Tajiri, he would speak Chinese. Priceless! Then, he said "Just bring it!" God, I love the Rock. Anyways, La Resistance ran in and beat some Rock butt, but Rhyno ran in for the save, and Rhyno, Tajiri, and the Rock took down La Resistance, leaving the Coach surrounded in the center of the ring. That ain't good. Rocky stared down the Coach as the Coach got more and more riled up, thinking he could take the Rock. What a tool. The Rock hit the spinebuster on Coach and set up for the People's Elbow. He took off his shirt. That was hot! Er, I mean, um, hey look over there! The Rock hit the People's Elbow in his supafly Timbalands, and finished things off with an "If you smell... what the Rock... is... cooking!"

Next: Triple H had a decision for Randy Orton to make. Whether or not he likes Triple H's gorgeous hair? No, no, it had something to do with Evolution.

Promo time: You should watch Raw because of the Rock getting, and I quote, "wet," and making the Raw hoes eat pie. I'm sure these promos must draw all those fans who love wrestling. Right. Sure.

Commercial break: Stridex advertises with WWE. Yes, WWE's advertisers think wrestling fans are nerds who need anti-acne medication. And, for the most part, they're probably right. Hey, I'm just trying to give you a heads up. You might want to get that looked at.

Local promo time: Raw is coming to my fair city of Seattle on the 13th of September! If you're going, drop me a line, I'd love to see you there since WWE hates the Northwest.

WWE Sting of the Night: Raw 2 weeks ago, Triple H told Randy Orton that Evolution was his solution. Instead, while on Batista's shoulder, Triple H turned a thumbs up into a thumbs down, causing Batista to backdrop him and Evolution beat Orton down like he owed them money.

Raw last Monday: Triple H told Randy Orton to hand him the big gold belt. Orton looked conflicted. To be, or not to be? To give back belts, or to not give back belts? That is the question. Orton gave Triple H something, alright: A big fat loogie to the face! Orton: The Loogie Killer! Orton took Triple H down with a belt shot and made his way out through the crowd as the rest of Evolution made chase and Triple H yelled at him from the ring. Orton smiled maniacally and kissed his belt like a beautiful, succulent woman. Triple H, with stooge Flair by his side, threatened Eric Bischoff in the back, asking if he had seen what just happened. Bischoff caved like a house of cards and promised Triple H a title shot at Unforgiven, where I will be live!

WWE Unforgiven: Al and Todd ran down the Unforgiven match.

Tonight: Chris Benoit is making a rare Heat appearance to face Tyson Tomko, with the lovely Trish Stratus at Tomko's side. Didn't she look hot on Monday? Look, I can appreciate a nice technical women's match as much as anyone, but seeing Trish in that white outfit was pretty good, too.

Later: Kane wanted Lita to wear white, because it was a nice day for a white wedding. Quoting Billy Idol songs? Kane, you're a genius!

Commercial break: This new Resident Evil movie looks pretty sweet. Nothing funny about that. Well, except for the zombie dogs. That's pretty funny. I mean, zombie dogs? Are they serious? OK, sure.

(2) Chuck Palumbo defeated Ollie John.

Match Analysis: Palumbo slapped John in the corner. Al Snow called him Ollie Ollie Oxenfree Babaganoush. I hate Al Snow's Heat commentary. So bad. Anyways, Chuck had a go behind on John, and Palumbo seemed to be in control, but John did have a brief flurry of offense. Palumbo quickly took over with a clothesline and knees in the ropes. John punched Palumbo in the gut, but Palumbo responded with more offense, including dumping John on the turnbuckle and a big boot to John's face. Palumbo went for the pin, but Palumbo pulled John up. Palumbo took John into the corner, followed by a short arm clothesline. Palumbo was completely condescending to John, tossing him around like a sack of potatoes. Palumbo went into a camel clutch position and punched John across the face several times in a row as he cinched in the hold before jumping on John's back. Palumbo picked up John and hit the Samoan drop into a pin and a win.

Match Grade: D+. Total squash. Not competitive at all. At least they're smart enough with Velocity squashes to make the matches good. I have no idea if Ollie John is any good or not, because they didn't give him a chance to shine at all. Palumbo was doing far better with the FBI over on Velocity/Smackdown. His new stew of a gimmick is such a waste. I really don't know what the point of this was. At all.

Tonight: Benoit versus Tomko. Gee, I wonder who will win?

Next: The wedding from Hell! Of course, most guys think all marriages are from Hell.

Promo time: WWE Raw is coming soon to a town near you! Better yet, Heat is coming to a town near you! What? You don't think that's a major selling point? OK, fine, I don't either, but work with me here!

Commercial break: Papa Roach has a new album out. I saw these guys live and they're a great live show, so if they're hitting a stage near you, they get a big thumbs up from yours truly. Also, I flipped over to NBC to check out the Olympics closing ceremonies, and I swear that NBC's female commentator covering this had to have been a guy at some point. A voice that deep just isn't natural.

Promo time: Pie eating. Raw Diva Search. Please, stop the insanity!

Promo time: HBK is making his way back to WWE, despite not being mentioned at all since his horrific injury at the hands of Kane. Yeah, that makes sense. Anyway, HBK returns at Unforgiven, so be sure to check that out!

Raw last Monday: Anything with midgets has to be good, right? Right? Lita made her way out in a black dress, making Kane's beautiful planning all go to Hell, so to speak. The priest was good, but he's no Eric Bischoff. The music was absolute genius, including a really freaky version of the wedding march. The couple wrote their own vows. The crowd chanted "What?" Listen, you hicks, get over it. Stone Cold is gone. He's not coming back. I swear, that's almost as bad as those Canadian fans. Anyways, Kane told Lita that she was his property and that she'll never know freedom again, and she won't know the embrace of another man, and there is no escape. Well, even her boyfriend can't defend her, so yeah, Lita's probably pretty screwed. Kane finished up by saying "Until the day you die, you are mind." Yikes. Lita pulled her vows out of her cleavage. Her vows were hilarious, with Lita's sarcastic, mean-spirited delivery. She told Kane how vile he was, and also how she will always love Matt Hardy. Lita wished that Kane would suffer a horrible accident that would result in his painful and immediate death. Dudette, it can't be painful and immediate. It's one or the other. Lita also said that she hoped Kane would rot in Hell. Wouldn't he like that or something? Kane still said that her vows were lovely. The nervous priest/pastor moved things along to the end of the ceremony, and gave the "does anyone object" line. Kane got angry and looked around, before smiling and breathing heavily into the mic. The pastor was ready to move on, but Trish Stratus's music hit and she stepped out in the hottest outfit known to man. She was wearing white, since she is so much more virtuous than Lita. She volunteered her services as Maid of Honor. She mentioned how Lita couldn't wear white like Trish. Lita snapped and started choking out Trish. It's like she was possessed by the spirit of Samoa Joe! The priest tried to move on, and asked if Lita would take Kane, in sickness and in health, until death, etc. Lita, being a complete idiot, said "I do." Kane must have one Hell of a good lawyer to get whatever contract Matt and Lita signed for that match to stand up to scrutiny. The father was asking Kane the question, when Matt Hardy's music hit. Kane went looking for Matt, but Matt jumped from out of nowhere, wearing what looked like a Punisher shirt and camo pants. OK, whatever. Matt tried to make off with Lita, but Kane threw up a wall of fire to stop them. Man, I wish I was like Kane, so I could throw walls of fire. Kane sat up, Taker style, and went after Matt and Lita. Kane laid the smack down on Matt, including a chokeslam off the stage to the miscellaneous forms of padding below. The crowd broke into a "Holy Shoot!" chant, only the second word wasn't "Shoot." Kane dragged Lita back down to the altar, and Kane yelled at the reverend to finish things off. Kane said "I do," and the reverend announced them man and wife. Kane laid a big ol' wet one on Lita to finish things off. Al Snow let us know that, tomorrow night, we get to find out about their honeymoon, and get an update on Matt Hardy. Oh, joy! And hey, Lita is already preggers, so Kane's good to go! Only sad part: They edited out Bichoff's "Ephesians 5:12" (yeah, right) reading.

Next: Chris Benoit versus Trish Tomko with Trish Stratus. It's the battle of... of... wait, do these guys have anything in common? OK, it's the battle of the wrestlers. Who are guys.

Commercial break: The Poker Superstars Invitational. Be there, or be square! That Chan guy is pretty sweet. I saw him in that lil' Matty Damon movie Rounders. Must... fight... urge... to gamble! Aaaaah, what the heck. I'll be right back, after I call my booki-- er, I mean, parents. Call my parents.

(3) Chris Benoit defeated Tyson Tomko (with Trish Stratus).

Match Analysis: Tomko took down Benoit early, but both men were quickly back up on their feet. Tomko took it to Benoit in the corner, but Benoit countered into a seires of chops. Tomko had Benoit in the other corner, but Benoit got his boots up. Benoit applied the sharpshooter, but Tomko made it to the ropes and actually pulled himself out of the hold without a break. Benoit hit a big series of chops, followed by offense from Tomko. Tomko tried to take Benoit up on his shoulder, but Benoit reversed into the Crossface, but Tomko again made it to the ropes. Tomko raked Benoit's eye and draped Benoit over the top rope. Tomko had Benoit in the corner, but the ref called for Tomko to give Benoit some space as he checked on Benoit's eye. Tomko paused momentarily before hitting a big boot, taking Benoit to the outside. Tomko took Benoit back into the ring and went into a cover, but Benoit kicked out. Tomko kept up the pressure, including a series of fists to Benoit's face on the mat. The beautiful Miss Stratus cheered on from ringside. Tomko put on a modified chinlock before moving back to offense on the mat with punches to the face, into a cover, but Benoit kicked out. Tomko kept the relentless assault up in the corner, but Benoit fired back with a pair of chops. Tomko quickly fired back with a shot to the face, sending Benoit to the mat before re-applying that modified chinlock. The crowd cheered Benoit on. Tomko worked on Benoit's head with some crossface punches, stretching the neck with another hold. Benoit kicked Tomko in the head three times to get out of the hold, before sending Tomko face first into the turnbuckle. Benoit locked his arms around Tomko's waist and hit his triple German suplexes, finishing up with the release and heading to his feet. He signaled for the finish. Benoit went up top and hit the diving headbutt. Benoit hooked Tomko's leg, but Tomko kicked out! Trish got up on the ropes, distracting Benoit. Tomko went for a big boot, but Benoit locked the arms around Tomko yet again, hitting another, I'm not making this up, six German suplexes! Sweet! Benoit locked in the Crippler Crossface and made Tomko tap!