There is no business on this planet like professional wrestling. It is filled with monsters, madmen, face-painted crazies, tiny midgets, giant bodybuilders, feather-boa’ed superstars and women who wear no underwear. It’s a freak show. A wonderful, marvellous freak show.
It is also full of nonsense. Tons of it. Not only in the eccentric and absurd performances by the talent. Nonsense in booking decisions, business decisions and creative decisions. All of it ties together. We see incredibly foolish booking decisions made and we wonder who could be silly enough to come up with them; ridiculous gimmicks that we all knew would not work, poorly-executed feuds with no payoff, seemingly hair-brained financial risks and so much more that we, the fans, dissect and call “stupid”.
Well, wrestling bookers and CEO’s of national wrestling companies are not stupid. That is an odd term to throw around if you understand what it truly means. They are not insane either. That is even more ridiculous. We have all said things like that, though. I certainly have. “That’s so stupid! Insane! Anyone with a brain could have known that would not have worked out!” Outbursts like that have been happening increasingly more frequent lately.
I poked fun at some of these “nonsense decisions” in a recent article, but now it is time to get serious, explore the true reasons for these decisions and not pass them off as stupid or just say that wrestling is full of crazy people. Maybe it is or maybe the business itself is crazy. I aim to ask questions about specific events but answer the questions “holistically”, meaning to solve and understand the entire society, or in this case, the entire industry. This is done through taking one problem or question and seeing how it interconnects with other aspects of a society/industry as a whole. This kind of problem-solving was popularized by the Douglas Adams detective novels Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul as well as Alan Moore’s From Hell.
By “nonsense decisions”, I refer to poor booking, bad hiring practices or writing that led to a financial or at least critical failure. Not something like D-Generation X. Despite their simple and pedestrian antics, they are hugely popular and selling lots of merchandise. Not even the push of The Boogeyman because he is surprisingly over with the fans and clearly puts a lot of effort into his act. No, I refer to the decisions that make us all scratch our heads. The decisions that demand explanation. I refuse to believe that they are no more than random acts of stupidity. There must be reasons. Real reasons.
The questions are simple. The answers are not.
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THE WRONG TALENT
The perfect example of hiring the wrong talent came to us about a year ago. His name is Dalip Singh Rana, better known to us now as The Great Khali. On January 2 of 2006, Khali was signed to a WWE contract with the idea of being pushed right away. He spoke no English, was nearly immobile and could not wrestle to save his life. Whoever scouted Khali should have known all this. The scout should have known that he was a useless lump of clay that could not even be molded by top wrestlers. Khali was hired and heavily pushed anyway.
The Great Khali debuted on Smackdown on April 7. That meant that from his contract signing to his debut, he received minimal (if any) training. He was thrust head-first into a feud with The Undertaker. As painful as this would be, Undertaker was the clear choice for Khali. They have a similar size and Undertaker, veteran as he is, may have been able to teach Khali something. He couldn’t. Khali destroyed Undertaker during his surprise debut. This set up a match on Pay-Per-View. Along the way to the big event, he squashed World Champion Rey Mysterio. A lot of us were flabberghasted by what happened at Judgment Day ‘06. After a less than stellar match-up, The Great Khali lifted his boot, dropped ‘Taker to the mat and pinned him clean. Unbelievable. Probably the most decisive clean win against the Undertaker in the Dead Man’s career. To prepare for the rematch, Undertaker and Khali were paired together for a series of house show matches. Reports say that they were so unbearably, ungodly bad that WWE changed its tune on Khali. He was taken off the road.
Let me write that out again because you may not be taking the trip with me. World Wrestling Entertainment took The Great Khali off the road. He was not sent to Ohio Valley Wrestling or Deep South Wrestling for proper training, education and instruction from seasoned veterans. He was taken off the road. We need to look at WWE on the whole to fully understand how bad a wrestler must be in the ring to be taken off the road. Chris Masters and Gene Snitsky are still wrestling for Raw. Mike Knox and Sylvester Terkay are still on ECW. Boogeyman was rehired on put back on Smackdown. None of these men were pushed as heavily as Khali in 2006. In fact, only a handful of other wrestlers were. Khali was so high up on the card but still so incredibly bad that was removed. Somebody just gave up on him. How often do wrestlers get taken off the road for poor in-ring performances? Almost never. They are sent to OVW or DSW and brought back up when it is time. An example would be Mordecai being sent back and later repackaged as Kevin Thorne.
If that is not enough to explain just how insufferably bad Khali is, he was also removed in the midst of a feud with the Undertaker. That means Undertaker never got his win back. When ‘Taker lost to Khali clean, it was likely proposed to him with the notion that he would get his revenge and win the rematch. WWE wanted Khali out so badly that the Undertaker actually lost a feud.
Months later, The Great Khali was given new life as Daivari’s bodyguard. He did not wrestle, but he was certainly physically involved. At the ECW December to Dismember Pay-Per-View, Khali powerbombed Tommy Dreamer on to the metal entrance ramp. Dreamer should not be taking any powerbombs at this point in his career. Certainly not on steel and definitely not from Khali.
Rumor has it that Khali may be getting another chance as a wrestler soon. ECW World Champion Bobby Lashley has no clear opponent going into Wrestlemania 32. Someone in WWE thinks it is a good idea to give that spot to The Great Khali. Albert Einstein once said “The first sign of madness is to do the same thing over and over while each time expecting a different result.” I think a lot of us are hoping this rumor turns out to be bunk.
Why was The Great Khali hired and instantly pushed? Well, nobody is suffering from “madness” in WWE’s creative department. Perhaps only a lack of ideas or no understanding of what makes a wrestler. Former wrestler and Figure Four Weekly writer Bryan Alvarez once remarked that it takes a lot of training just to be a “bad” wrestler. It’s not easy, and not everyone is capable of it.
Anyway, this does not explain why Khali was hired and pushed in the first place. Fortunately, the answer is clear and evident: he’s big. He’s very, very big. Bigger than the Big Show, in fact. “Now, hold on,” someone might say. “We are not living in the age of the big men anymore. Rey Mysterio was champion.” That is correct. We are not completely mired in the 80’s mindset or even the 90’s anymore. However, as much as the fans’ perception of the wrestler has progressed, the fact is some big men can still be hired with nothing else on their resumé but their height. Khali is proof of that because it is painfully obvious that he has no other talent besides being tall.
The Great Khali’s hiring, push and eventual failure is a symptom of a larger problem that stems from the nature of professional wrestling itself. That is, the need to make their wrestlers seem legitimately tough, powerful and capable of hurting another man. It is a matter of perception. This was perpetuated by stars the top stars of the 80’s like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. “Big men” go back much further, of course, but this was the time that professional wrestling was starting to become somewhat mainstream, so the primary focus here is how the big man was completely solidified.
Hulk Hogan needed to be fed monsters to threaten him and be ultimately defeated. These monsters had to be big. Earthquake, I believe I have read, was brought in specifically as an opponent for Hogan. Conversely, Andre’s opponents also had to be of large stature to be threatening. Big John Studd comes to mind. Hogan and Andre are just two examples, but the big picture should be clear. If WWF pushed someone around 6’0” as their top star in the 80’s, much like the NWA did with Ric Flair, the state of the big man may be very different today.
The perception of the top wrestlers in WWF gradually changed (shrunk, if you will) over the years that followed, but it is something that will never go away. It is inescapable unless WWE learns from their recent mistake. Some big men bring a lot to the table. Hogan certainly did. Some, however, are just Dalip Singh Rana.
BUILDING A PAY-PER-VIEW
December to Dismember. What better example of a botched Pay-Per-View could there be? Critically, it was hailed as the worst WWE PPV in years. Financially, it looks like a bust too. December to Dismember drew approximately 3,600 fans to the Augusta-Richmond County Civic Center in Georgia. That is the second worst gate for a WWE Pay-Per-View in 2006. The worst was One Night Stand at about 2,400 fans, but that is only because that is the building’s capacity. The Civic Center can hold thousands more. It is believed that DTD’s Pay-Per-View buyrate will be the worst of 2006 by far. The final numbers are not in yet, but all indications are that it was a bomb of epic proportions.
In the days leading up to December to Dismember, only two matches were announced on television: the recently-reformed Hardy Boyz vs. the also recently-reformed MNM and the Extreme Elimination Chamber main event. Everyone was dumbfounded by this. Why would any rational booker do this on purpose? The other unannounced matches ended up being Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker, Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay vs. Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke, Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer, and Kevin Thorne and Ariel vs. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly.
It was atrocious. The matches, for the most part, were quite bad, but what hurt the feel of the show even more was the crowd. As mentioned, there was a small crowd, but because there was no build for most of the matches, there was no heat. That’s essential to a PPV feud blowoff match. This felt more like any episode of the weekly ECW show.
Why did ECW’s December to Dismember fail? So many reasons. For one, the build was going to be challenging even with the lack of announced matches. DTD took place a week after Survivor Series, which was hyped on all three brands. The oversaturation of Pay-Per-Views is becoming a problem. For WWE, because there are always hardcores who will buy nearly every Pay-Per-View, they flood the market with them and hope for the best. Years ago, twelve PPV’s a year became the status quo. Not long after the fall of World Championship Wrestling, WWE took a risk and hiked it up to fourteen. 2006 had sixteen. Until recently, this had been working well. On average, less people were watching each individual Pay-Per-View, but because the hardcore fans bought them all, enough were watching to make fourteen more profitable. As for sixteen, the jury is still out, but it may have been too far.
Pay-Per- View is more dangerous for WWE now. It is not as much as a sure thing as it used to be. Ultimate Fighting Championship is pulling in 600,000 – 775,000 buys lately. When the numbers are in on its latest offering, it may border on 1,000,000. Almost no WWE Pay-Per-Views in 2006 came close to these recent UFC numbers. There is a lot of crossover fandom between wrestling and mixed martial arts. That means the market is getting crowded. December to Dismember’s buyrate number, coupled with other factors, in part was a victim of this oversaturation.
There is plenty of blame internally, though. It is being said that Paul Heyman was more convinced that a “mystery card” would sell better than hyping men like Kevin Thorne and Tommy Dreamer for their matches. Low-level stars? Sure but that does not mean a mystery card would sell better. While I do not have endless stats at my disposal, Dave Meltzer says that historically almost no mystery card will sell better than an announced one. The lack of matches left a lot of fans thinking this would be a poorly-put-together, ill-conceived disaster. You know what? They were right! Jim Cornette once said that Paul Heyman tries too many surprises, and if you do too many of them, they lose their meaning. Well, Cornette must have been on to something because Heyman really went overboard with a surprise Pay-Per-View card.
DEBUTS AND RETURNS
Serotonin is a new TNA stable that includes Raven, Frankie Kazarian, “Maverick” Matt Bentley and Johnny Devine. The name is derived from a natural chemical that is said to regulate mood and emotion. A lack of serotonin could cause depression. This name has Raven’s fingerprints all over it. I can’t imagine Vince Russo, Jeff Jarrett or Dutch Mantel coming up with that name. In fact, I would wager that the entire concept was Raven’s idea. The stable is somewhat reminiscent of The Flock. At any rate, the new stable debuted a couple months ago, was hyped for its debut and then debuted again. If you do not understand what that means, you are not the only one.
One night on Impact, Kazarian, Bentley and Devine appeared in new outfits. They were part punk, part emo, part futuristic and part glam rock. The theme must have been to be ecclectic rather than to wear matching uniforms. They looked vaguely counter-culture and different, so their look stood out. They debuted by ambushing some unsuspecting wrestler and beating him down. Don West and Mike Tenay talked them up by saying they were being secretly led by a mysteriously leader. Later, it was revealed that Raven was the spooky cult leader that controlled these former X-Division nobodies. He wore a bright white suit and a cloth mask covering his face that may or may not be a reference to The Shadow.
It looked like TNA did something right and gave four wrestlers a fresh new stable and finally something to do. When Frankie Kazarian left WWE due to some backstage disagreements, he was not welcomed back to TNA with open arms. It took a few months before TNA bit and gave Kazarian his old job back. Unfortunately for Frankie, he was no longer pushed and was relegated to doing jobs and teaming with Matt Bentley in the most overlooked tag team in the division. Bentley had been floundering too. For some reason, TNA turned him babyface and had fans dance to “the Bentley bounce” that seemed like a bad idea from the get-go and did not have much shelf life. He turned heel, but at that point, he had lost whatever momentum he had. Johnny Devine was the third wheel in Paparazzi Productions, and when that became apparent, he was replaced by the returning Austin Starr. Raven had serious health issues. When he returned, he was not quite the same physically. This managerial role seemed perfect for him.
Then everything fell apart. After a tag team loss on Pay-Per-View, Serotonin disappeared and was replaced by hype vignettes that did not entirely show the faces of the members. Just quick flashes of their eyes and chests as to imply there was a mystery about who was in the new group. This probably goes without saying for anyone who even has the slightest clue about pro wrestling, but I will say it anyway. Video packages and vignettes are played to hype a debuting or returning wrestler or group. They are played before said debut or return to build suspense and interest. Vignettes are not played after the debut. That makes absolutely no sense.
Weeks later, Serotonin debuted again. Kazarian, Bentley and Devine all had a match. Raven came out afterwards. Then nothing. The next week, they were gone and the same damn vignette played. It felt as if someone wrote a four or five page booklet describing how Serotonin could be hyped, debuted and used but the pages were mixed up and someone produced it all out of order! It was one of the most mind-boggling things I had seen in wrestling all last year.
What went wrong with the new Serotonin stable? Firstly, and this is speculation because this whole thing screams Raven, I can’t help but think that there was some miscommunication between he and head booker Vince Russo. Wrestler input into the writing process has its positives and negatives. On the plus side, sometimes wrestlers need to be involved in their gimmicks for it to work, meaning writing their own lines and designing their own stories. It also adds fresh ideas to a booking staff. On the negative side, writing a weekly television show is a delicate thing, and if there are too many cooks in the kitchen, the head writer’s vision may be tainted and confused.
Not planning well in advance is the other culprit here. On the fly booking is common place in pro wrestling. Too common. Watch some shoot interviews of veteran wrestlers talking about the good ol’ days of territory wrestling when lots of bookers would just “throw shit against the wall and see what stuck” as they put it. It is also how WCW was run and was part of its undoing. Meaning it is practically a wrestling tradition!
It looks like it is still standard operating procedure for some bookers. Here’s some friendly advice. Due to TNA’s hour-long program, they generally tape two or three shows at once in the Impact Zone. They must know a couple shows in advance what is happening. It stands to reason that it can be extended to four weeks in advance. Maybe then this complete screw-up will be an isolated incident.
THE HIGH-PROFILE FEUD
Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe was supposed to be TNA’s big money feud. It was supposed to be the series of matches that finally allowed the company to show some growth after a little over four years of lost money and stagnancy. It wasn’t. What could go wrong with something that seemed like a financial sure thing?
On September 24th at No Surrender, to everyone’s great surprise, a short video package revealed that Kurt Angle had joined TNA. Even the newsletters and major websites did not know this was coming. Meltzer called it the best kept secret in wrestling in years. Confidentiality agreements were signed to keep it under wraps. Immediately after the announcement, speculation began about Angle’s first feud. We did not have to wait long to find out. About a month later, Kurt Angle headbutted Samoa Joe and ignited what could have been one of the hottest feuds in some time.
At Genesis, Kurt Angle defeated Samoa Joe via submission, making him the first man to make Joe tap out in TNA. It was a fantastic match. Buyrate is estimated at 50,000 – 60,000 buys, which was a new record for TNA and double its average. Everyone was already talking about a rematch. What would have made sense was to hold off on the rematch for two or three months to build to it. Instead, TNA gave away Joe vs. Angle II immediately following the first match. The Pay-Per-View number, while not yet final, is estimated at about 20,000 – 30,000 buys. That is about average for the company. No growth. The third and final match in the series is signed for the next Pay-Per-View, Final Resolution. If hyped like crazy, it has an outside chance of 40,000. That still pales in comparison to what it could have been.
Take the Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels feud as an example of how to wait for the rematch. Both were dream matches in their own rights, but Angle vs. Michaels II was held off for months. That Pay-Per-View’s buyrate was very high for a Raw-only show. Part of it was the Hell in a Cell match. The other was the much-anticipated rematch between Angle and Michaels. That’s the key word: anticipation. If TNA waited until January for the rematch and Slammiversary for the rubber match, the buyrates would have been higher. In the meantime, Angle could have had programs with AJ Styles, Sting and other first-time matches that could grab fan interest.
Why were the Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle series of matches rushed? For one, it had to do with the aforementioned short-sighted behaviour that has proliferated itself in professional wrestling. Another is Vince Russo’s mindset about how to book wrestling, which has its roots in the Monday Night Wars. His philosophy of “crash television”, meaning making a lot happening so there is no need to change the channel or even think, was spawned from a competitive ratings war between WWF and WCW. His way of booking is a product of the battle between two companies. Unfortunately for TNA, his way of thinking is no longer relevant to the time period. He rushes through everything, even the most important feud of the company’s short life.
Looking deeper, Vince Russo’s hiring in the first place was due to the all too common practices of hiring figures in wrestling with a spotty record. Hiring a wrestler with attitude or drug problems is risky, but if it does not work out, it is only one wrestler. Hiring a booker with a questionable record is far more dangerous because he will have far more power. Russo had a good run in WWF but a terrible one in WCW. Wrestling is not filled with an unlimited amount of men who can take the place of others. This is not Major League Baseball or the National Football League. The available bookers in this country who have a long history of producing weekly television are either old territory bookers who are largely unfamiliar with writing modern wrestling (see Greg Gagne’s recent run in Ohio Valley Wrestling), Jim Cornette and a couple others. Dixie Carter went with Russo because she is so out of touch that she must have forgot about WCW and the fact that Russo was edited in WWF by Vince McMahon.
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There are always more topics and issues to discuss. One that comes to mind is The Voodoo Kin Mafia worked shoot as a byproduct of the propagation of the internet wrestling community. Another is WWE’s countless failed business ventures outside of the realm of wrestling, since they have never yielded any profit, as possibly a means for Vince McMahon to outgrow the image of a “rasslin’ boss” in the same way he changed the word “wrestling” to “sports entertainment”. There is just not enough room, and I think that is enough.
Holism states that the system as a whole determines in an important way how the parts behave. With that in mind, when something strange or foolish happens in professional wrestling, there are many reasons, many possible causes and (if we are talking about a failure) plenty of blame to around. We, the fans, watch a business that has origins that go back before the 20th century. There is a lot of tradition. However, not all tradition is good, and sometimes it is only another word for “habit.” Many are hard to break.
I hope that by exploring the causes of many of today’s so-called blunders will give a more thorough comprehension of why things are they way they are. Perhaps even shining a light on these issues and the possible root causes will make somebody in power -- anybody -- read this.
I hope.
