Hola amigos. This is xpacnumber1fan, the King of Bling Bling, the Master and Ruler of the World, with your ECW Report. Let's get crackalacking.
Intro graphic shows main event for tonight. Justin Roberts now introduces the return of Kelly Kelly. She's all smiles. She grabs a mic. She reminds everyone that she is Kelly Kelly, and she is an exhibitionist. She's not afraid to show what she has. And since she's single, she can do what she wants, when she wants. She announces that next week Kelly's expose will be back. And she won't be dancing alone. And she starts to give a little preview until we are interrupted by Matt Striker. He says to stop this right now. He's had students like her, anything for a distraction. She is corrupting the mind of his audience. He says that if she continues her lack of education, she is gonna end up on her knees, cleaning. He says that women's feet are smaller than men, an evolutionary trait that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. He says class begins right now. He invites her to take a seat while he beats on the man responsible for her broken relationship, C.M. Punk. His music hits and he comes out.
Matt Striker vs. C.M. Punk
Kelly's happy to see Punk. Headlock, shoulder block gets 2 count for Punk. "C.M. Punk" chant. Headlock by Striker. Punk pushes him into the ropes. 2 hip tosses by Punk, 2 count. Kick to the back. European uppercut. Keylock by Punk. Pushes Striker into the ropes, leg lariat. Armbar by Punk. Hammerlock suplex gets a 2 count. Another armbar. Striker with a nice reversal, but gets a kick to the head. Punk with an innovative submission. Armdrag and another armbar. Straight punch to the face breaks it. Rope burn to the face. Right hand and choke in the corner. Irish whip to the corner, Striker charges but runs into a kick. Striker charges again but Punk throws him over the top rope. Can Striker come back? We'll find out after the break.
And we're back. We come back from commercial as we always do, with the heel in control. Striker with a triangle choke-like maneuver. We see a shot of Kelly still sitting at ringside cheering Punk. Striker with a unique move, dragging Punk's face on the mat. Punk hops out and dropkicks Striker in the face. Striker pulls Punk into second turnbuckle and hits a massive face wash. 2 count. Punk with an inside cradle gets two, then gets his head taken off with a clothesline. 2 count. They wrestle around a bit until Punk catches him with those kicks of his. 3 clotheslines by Punk, knees to the face, irish whip to the corner, Punk's running knee, bulldog, and 2 count. Punk irish whips him to the rope but Striker reverse. Striker is holding Punk in neckbreaker position until Kelly Kelly climbs the apron. She then flashes Striker who gets distracted. Punk takes advantage with a backslide and gets a 3.
Winner: C.M. Punk
Kelly and Punk celebrate. We see a replay of what happened last week in the title match. Test's interruption causes a no contest between Lashley and RVD last week. So this week the ECW World Title will be up for grabs in a Triple Threat match. Break.
Back. We see a graphic for Sandman vs. Elijah Burke. That's great. I love Burke, and I love Sandman. I look forward to it. And now we hear some soft soul music. And whom do we get? From the Animal Kingdom, The Alpha Male, Marquis Corvan. What. The. Fuck? Couldn't have just called the guy Monty Brown? That sucks. Anyway, he'll be facing Cassidy Riley.
Marquis Corvan vs. Cassidy Riley
Won't bother to do PBP on this. It's a squash. Notable points, THE POOOOOUUUUUUNNNCEEEEEEEEEE. Crowd marked out for that move. He then hits a russian leg sweep, and then rolls it into a Fujiwara armbar.
Winner: Marquis Corvan
He then grabs a mic and says, that people are asking what is he doing in ECW? He says whatever he wants. He's come here to mark his new territory. And he's come here to destroy and dismantle anything in his path. He says that the hardest, regardless, is Marquis Corvan, The Alpha Male.
God, they've completely got Monty Brown wrong. Soul music? Marquis Corvan? Fujiwara armbar? BLAH! Anyway, Lashley backstage interview saying that the odds are against him. He doesn't have to be beaten to lose the ECW title. He has all the respect in the world for RVD, none for Test. Test shouldn't even be in the match, but the reality is that he is. But Lashley is walking in ECW World Champion, he is walking out ECW World Champion. Commercial.
We come back with a WM recall, the infamous Piper/Downey Jr. extinguisher bit. SANDMAN! Man, been a long time since I've seen him. Sandman with his trademark beer drinking entrance. Rebecca is in the back with the Knock Out/Tap Out Connection. Burke gives an interview right before he comes out. Terkay and Burke come out. Terkay is on the apron and Sandman gives him a quick caning.
Sandman vs. Elijah Burke
Burke controlling the beginning until Sandman catches a back elbow. Bulldog by Sandman. Elijah Burke climbs up, I guess for a moonsault but Sandman pushes out his legs. Sandman climbs up behind him, but Burke pushes him off. Burke then climbs down and pins Sandman with a huge amount of trunks.
Winner: Elijah Burke
Man, that match lasted one minute. VERY disappointing and very awkward finish. Wonder if something happened? Anyway, match up screen for main event that's next. Break.
Come back with a replay of Dreamer jobbing to Khali last week. We see a promo for the RR. Ariel and Thorn in the back. Ariel with a red rose, saying that means love and junk. Thorn with a black rose, saying that it means pain, suffering, and destruction. At RR, there will be 29 black roses, 1 red rose for the winner, the man who will main event WM, Kevin Thorn.
Justin Roberts now in the ring introducing the match. This match will be Extreme Rules. First to make a pinfall or score a submission will be the new champion. RVD out first. Test is next. Lashley is out last (without Lesnar pyro). He goes straight for Test.
ECW World Championship (Triple Threat, Extreme Rules)
Bobby Lashely (c) vs. Test vs., RVD
Action goes on. Lashley down in the ring, RVD hangs Test on the guardrail and hits his apron spinning leg lariat. Lashley and RVD now in the right. RVD with a roll up gets a 2. RVD with shoulder blocks in the corner. Irish whip reversed, Lashley follows with a clothesline. He knocks Test off the apron, 2 count. Rear chinlock. RVD fights out. Lashley with a clothesline. 2 count. Rear chinlock. We go to break.
And we come back. We come back guess how? With the heel in control. Test is beating down both guys. And it was at this point that I had to take care of some important business, but forgot to leave the VCR recording (which I thought I did). The good people at the rajah.com forums (Surveillance specifically), told me that it went down like this.
Test dropped an elbow from the top rope, but Lashley kicked out. RVD hit a five star frog splash on Test, but he wisely rolled out of the ring. Lashley speared RVD. Lashley followed it up and pinned RVD to retain the title. Test started to walk away with the ECW belt, but Lashley stopped him. Test nailed Lashley with the championship belt and stood over him saying that the belt was his. Fade to black.
Thank you guys for reading this report. Any criticisms or money can be sent to thecruzanhurricane@gmail.com. Until next week, this is your K.O.B.B and your M.A.R.O.T.W signing out.